Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Love is strange. Repeating this fact no matter how you achieve orgasm will vastly aid your mental well-being this week.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your life will be improved enormously by the sudden appearance of a wisecracking toady who leers over your shoulder and repeats the last word of every sentence you utter.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You've always thought of Death as a journey into the infinite, but it turns out to be a lot more like Harry Dean Stanton.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You just don't have what it takes to be a contemporary man; in spite of your intelligence, compassion, and instinct for fun, there's still the gigantic tits.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

In spite of your photos, the Church will profess ignorance of the origin of the phrase "Lord love a duck."

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Yet another great moment in American oration will be ruined by your constant, vicious heckling of Mr. Sandler.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You're excited to get what you've always deserved until you realize it amounts to $4.27 in pizza coupons.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You've never considered yourself a genius, which helps you avoid damaging blows to your self-image this Sunday.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You have always rejected the doctrine of reincarnation as superstitious nonsense, which comes as a great relief to Hindu couples expecting children early next month.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

There's no life for you without love, except in the strictest biological and durational sense.