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2007 Horoscopes

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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2007 Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be reunited with a long-lost love as soon as the last of the snow melts away in March.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of wandering purposefully through life, a chance encounter this April will at last restore your faith in mere coincidences.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    As upset as you'll be over breaking your New Year's resolution, it will ultimately pale in comparison to how friends and family members of your victims will feel.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    2007 might finally be the year when you take your life into your own hands and begin doing something proactive about your future. Keep checking back here to see if that's indeed the case.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    July will see the arrival of an entirely new member of the family thanks to the ruthless progression of your great aunt's Alzheimer's disease.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The next six months will be a time of great inner growth for you—but then any certified oncologist could have told you that.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Learn to focus on the positives this year, instead of just dwelling on January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, November, and December.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This year will mark the 30th anniversary of Star Wars, so there's really little point in speculating what it will hold for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Travel will be at the top of your list in 2007, as you desperately bounce from one heart specialist to the next in hopes of some sort of treatment.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Marriage will feature prominently in your life during the first half of 2007, while hope and an opportune flight of stairs will feature prominently in your life during the second half.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All your questions about the coming year will be answered moments after the purchase of a 2007 desk calendar.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The New Year will start out with a bang for you. Unfortunately, it will also end with a bang for you.

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