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2007 Horoscopes

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How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
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2007 Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be reunited with a long-lost love as soon as the last of the snow melts away in March.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of wandering purposefully through life, a chance encounter this April will at last restore your faith in mere coincidences.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    As upset as you'll be over breaking your New Year's resolution, it will ultimately pale in comparison to how friends and family members of your victims will feel.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    2007 might finally be the year when you take your life into your own hands and begin doing something proactive about your future. Keep checking back here to see if that's indeed the case.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    July will see the arrival of an entirely new member of the family thanks to the ruthless progression of your great aunt's Alzheimer's disease.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The next six months will be a time of great inner growth for you—but then any certified oncologist could have told you that.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Learn to focus on the positives this year, instead of just dwelling on January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, November, and December.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This year will mark the 30th anniversary of Star Wars, so there's really little point in speculating what it will hold for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Travel will be at the top of your list in 2007, as you desperately bounce from one heart specialist to the next in hopes of some sort of treatment.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Marriage will feature prominently in your life during the first half of 2007, while hope and an opportune flight of stairs will feature prominently in your life during the second half.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All your questions about the coming year will be answered moments after the purchase of a 2007 desk calendar.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The New Year will start out with a bang for you. Unfortunately, it will also end with a bang for you.

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