2007 Horoscopes

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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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2007 Horoscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be reunited with a long-lost love as soon as the last of the snow melts away in March.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of wandering purposefully through life, a chance encounter this April will at last restore your faith in mere coincidences.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    As upset as you'll be over breaking your New Year's resolution, it will ultimately pale in comparison to how friends and family members of your victims will feel.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    2007 might finally be the year when you take your life into your own hands and begin doing something proactive about your future. Keep checking back here to see if that's indeed the case.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    July will see the arrival of an entirely new member of the family thanks to the ruthless progression of your great aunt's Alzheimer's disease.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The next six months will be a time of great inner growth for you—but then any certified oncologist could have told you that.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Learn to focus on the positives this year, instead of just dwelling on January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, November, and December.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This year will mark the 30th anniversary of Star Wars, so there's really little point in speculating what it will hold for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Travel will be at the top of your list in 2007, as you desperately bounce from one heart specialist to the next in hopes of some sort of treatment.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Marriage will feature prominently in your life during the first half of 2007, while hope and an opportune flight of stairs will feature prominently in your life during the second half.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    All your questions about the coming year will be answered moments after the purchase of a 2007 desk calendar.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The New Year will start out with a bang for you. Unfortunately, it will also end with a bang for you.


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