Astrological Predictions For 2009

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Vol 44 Issue 51

Emerging Technologies

2009 saw a number of eye-popping new gadgets and devices available on the consumer market. Here are some of the ones that really...
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Astrological Predictions For 2009

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars foresee the start of a beautiful, fulfilling, and life-affirming romance in 2009. Now please, for the love of God, just leave the stars alone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Surprise will be yours this year when April Showers bring May Giant Flying Skulls That Breathe Out Fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll be forced to baby-proof your home in the months to come, though that won't stop the wily infants from getting back in.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Yes, there will be a period of adjustment, and yes, there will be a lot to accept, but don't worry: By the end of the year, those antlers will seem commonplace.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll go peacefully in your sleep this February, forcing disgusted nurses to once again change the sheets.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Due to economic pressures and a floundering fortune-telling market, Virgo will be forced to shut down operations in 2009. Please direct yourself to some tea leaves for any future predictions.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The Hands Of Fate will soon intervene, making a whacking-off motion every time you begin to speak.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Everyone will realize what a wonderful person you are in 2009—The International Year of Mean-Spirited Sarcasm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Those last 10 pounds will melt away just in time for summer, or, as doctors will call it, "Stage 3."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Financial security and personal independence are just around the corner. Unfortunately for you, it's the corner filled with scantily dressed women.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A fresh start awaits Aquarius in the months to come, though truth be told, you'll lack the mental faculties to really appreciate it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll be reunited with an old flame this August, leaving the other 40 percent of your chest covered in burns.
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