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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Astrological Predictions For 2009

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars foresee the start of a beautiful, fulfilling, and life-affirming romance in 2009. Now please, for the love of God, just leave the stars alone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Surprise will be yours this year when April Showers bring May Giant Flying Skulls That Breathe Out Fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be forced to baby-proof your home in the months to come, though that won't stop the wily infants from getting back in.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Yes, there will be a period of adjustment, and yes, there will be a lot to accept, but don't worry: By the end of the year, those antlers will seem commonplace.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll go peacefully in your sleep this February, forcing disgusted nurses to once again change the sheets.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Due to economic pressures and a floundering fortune-telling market, Virgo will be forced to shut down operations in 2009. Please direct yourself to some tea leaves for any future predictions.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The Hands Of Fate will soon intervene, making a whacking-off motion every time you begin to speak.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone will realize what a wonderful person you are in 2009—The International Year of Mean-Spirited Sarcasm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Those last 10 pounds will melt away just in time for summer, or, as doctors will call it, "Stage 3."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Financial security and personal independence are just around the corner. Unfortunately for you, it's the corner filled with scantily dressed women.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A fresh start awaits Aquarius in the months to come, though truth be told, you'll lack the mental faculties to really appreciate it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be reunited with an old flame this August, leaving the other 40 percent of your chest covered in burns.

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