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Astrological Predictions For 2009

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New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Astrological Predictions For 2009

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars foresee the start of a beautiful, fulfilling, and life-affirming romance in 2009. Now please, for the love of God, just leave the stars alone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Surprise will be yours this year when April Showers bring May Giant Flying Skulls That Breathe Out Fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be forced to baby-proof your home in the months to come, though that won't stop the wily infants from getting back in.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Yes, there will be a period of adjustment, and yes, there will be a lot to accept, but don't worry: By the end of the year, those antlers will seem commonplace.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll go peacefully in your sleep this February, forcing disgusted nurses to once again change the sheets.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Due to economic pressures and a floundering fortune-telling market, Virgo will be forced to shut down operations in 2009. Please direct yourself to some tea leaves for any future predictions.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The Hands Of Fate will soon intervene, making a whacking-off motion every time you begin to speak.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone will realize what a wonderful person you are in 2009—The International Year of Mean-Spirited Sarcasm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Those last 10 pounds will melt away just in time for summer, or, as doctors will call it, "Stage 3."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Financial security and personal independence are just around the corner. Unfortunately for you, it's the corner filled with scantily dressed women.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A fresh start awaits Aquarius in the months to come, though truth be told, you'll lack the mental faculties to really appreciate it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be reunited with an old flame this August, leaving the other 40 percent of your chest covered in burns.

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