Astrological Predictions For 2009

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Astrological Predictions For 2009

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars foresee the start of a beautiful, fulfilling, and life-affirming romance in 2009. Now please, for the love of God, just leave the stars alone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Surprise will be yours this year when April Showers bring May Giant Flying Skulls That Breathe Out Fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be forced to baby-proof your home in the months to come, though that won't stop the wily infants from getting back in.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Yes, there will be a period of adjustment, and yes, there will be a lot to accept, but don't worry: By the end of the year, those antlers will seem commonplace.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll go peacefully in your sleep this February, forcing disgusted nurses to once again change the sheets.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Due to economic pressures and a floundering fortune-telling market, Virgo will be forced to shut down operations in 2009. Please direct yourself to some tea leaves for any future predictions.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The Hands Of Fate will soon intervene, making a whacking-off motion every time you begin to speak.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone will realize what a wonderful person you are in 2009—The International Year of Mean-Spirited Sarcasm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Those last 10 pounds will melt away just in time for summer, or, as doctors will call it, "Stage 3."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Financial security and personal independence are just around the corner. Unfortunately for you, it's the corner filled with scantily dressed women.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A fresh start awaits Aquarius in the months to come, though truth be told, you'll lack the mental faculties to really appreciate it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be reunited with an old flame this August, leaving the other 40 percent of your chest covered in burns.
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