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Astrological Predictions For 2009

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Astrological Predictions For 2009

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars foresee the start of a beautiful, fulfilling, and life-affirming romance in 2009. Now please, for the love of God, just leave the stars alone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Surprise will be yours this year when April Showers bring May Giant Flying Skulls That Breathe Out Fire.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be forced to baby-proof your home in the months to come, though that won't stop the wily infants from getting back in.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Yes, there will be a period of adjustment, and yes, there will be a lot to accept, but don't worry: By the end of the year, those antlers will seem commonplace.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll go peacefully in your sleep this February, forcing disgusted nurses to once again change the sheets.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Due to economic pressures and a floundering fortune-telling market, Virgo will be forced to shut down operations in 2009. Please direct yourself to some tea leaves for any future predictions.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The Hands Of Fate will soon intervene, making a whacking-off motion every time you begin to speak.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone will realize what a wonderful person you are in 2009—The International Year of Mean-Spirited Sarcasm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Those last 10 pounds will melt away just in time for summer, or, as doctors will call it, "Stage 3."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Financial security and personal independence are just around the corner. Unfortunately for you, it's the corner filled with scantily dressed women.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A fresh start awaits Aquarius in the months to come, though truth be told, you'll lack the mental faculties to really appreciate it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll be reunited with an old flame this August, leaving the other 40 percent of your chest covered in burns.

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