Aries | March 21 to April 19
The stars foresee the start of a beautiful, fulfilling, and life-affirming romance in 2009. Now please, for the love of God, just leave the stars alone.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Surprise will be yours this year when April Showers bring May Giant Flying Skulls That Breathe Out Fire.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll be forced to baby-proof your home in the months to come, though that won't stop the wily infants from getting back in.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Yes, there will be a period of adjustment, and yes, there will be a lot to accept, but don't worry: By the end of the year, those antlers will seem commonplace.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll go peacefully in your sleep this February, forcing disgusted nurses to once again change the sheets.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Due to economic pressures and a floundering fortune-telling market, Virgo will be forced to shut down operations in 2009. Please direct yourself to some tea leaves for any future predictions.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The Hands Of Fate will soon intervene, making a whacking-off motion every time you begin to speak.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Everyone will realize what a wonderful person you are in 2009—The International Year of Mean-Spirited Sarcasm.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Those last 10 pounds will melt away just in time for summer, or, as doctors will call it, "Stage 3."
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Financial security and personal independence are just around the corner. Unfortunately for you, it's the corner filled with scantily dressed women.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A fresh start awaits Aquarius in the months to come, though truth be told, you'll lack the mental faculties to really appreciate it.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll be reunited with an old flame this August, leaving the other 40 percent of your chest covered in burns.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION