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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Haikuscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    the heavenly spheres
    influence your pale wan soul
    to eat fatty snacks
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    the cell phone yet rings
    though an angered motorist
    jams it in your skull
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    it is not your fault
    when your tortured broken heart
    spatters pallbearers
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    the pale morning mist
    reveals your prints on the fat
    dead prostitute's ass
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    in my restaurant–
    aren't you funny, mister
    that-wasn't-chicken?
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    the insouciant
    mosquito tickles my ear
    goddamn mosquitoes
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    the boss' young wife
    what a triumph!–but, oh, crap
    all over her thigh
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    an office stapler
    the wrong tool for seppuku
    don't let that stop you
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    mr. matthau and
    ragtag gang of lost children
    could never beat us
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    five syllables, then
    seven, then five syllables
    blah blah fucking blah
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    what were you thinking
    dumbass atom-bomb-dropping
    white motherfuckers?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    you will never reach
    perfection in your stagnant
    culture, O round-eyes

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