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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Haikuscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    the heavenly spheres
    influence your pale wan soul
    to eat fatty snacks
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    the cell phone yet rings
    though an angered motorist
    jams it in your skull
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    it is not your fault
    when your tortured broken heart
    spatters pallbearers
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    the pale morning mist
    reveals your prints on the fat
    dead prostitute's ass
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    in my restaurant–
    aren't you funny, mister
    that-wasn't-chicken?
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    the insouciant
    mosquito tickles my ear
    goddamn mosquitoes
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    the boss' young wife
    what a triumph!–but, oh, crap
    all over her thigh
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    an office stapler
    the wrong tool for seppuku
    don't let that stop you
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    mr. matthau and
    ragtag gang of lost children
    could never beat us
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    five syllables, then
    seven, then five syllables
    blah blah fucking blah
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    what were you thinking
    dumbass atom-bomb-dropping
    white motherfuckers?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    you will never reach
    perfection in your stagnant
    culture, O round-eyes

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