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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Haikuscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    the heavenly spheres
    influence your pale wan soul
    to eat fatty snacks
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    the cell phone yet rings
    though an angered motorist
    jams it in your skull
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    it is not your fault
    when your tortured broken heart
    spatters pallbearers
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    the pale morning mist
    reveals your prints on the fat
    dead prostitute's ass
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    in my restaurant–
    aren't you funny, mister
    that-wasn't-chicken?
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    the insouciant
    mosquito tickles my ear
    goddamn mosquitoes
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    the boss' young wife
    what a triumph!–but, oh, crap
    all over her thigh
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    an office stapler
    the wrong tool for seppuku
    don't let that stop you
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    mr. matthau and
    ragtag gang of lost children
    could never beat us
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    five syllables, then
    seven, then five syllables
    blah blah fucking blah
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    what were you thinking
    dumbass atom-bomb-dropping
    white motherfuckers?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    you will never reach
    perfection in your stagnant
    culture, O round-eyes
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