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Vol 36 Issue 28

Man Burning In Hell Wishes He Hadn't Snickered At Religious Leaflet

LAKE OF FIRE, HELL–Eternally tormented soul Brent Woodson, who is currently being pressed between white-hot slabs of iron, expressed "profound regret" Monday that he had laughed at the Jack Chick anti-homosexuality tract Doom Town, handed to him by a street evangelist moments before he was fatally struck by a bus. "I guess I shouldn't have cracked up at the cartoon drawing of gay guys as burly, hairy bikers with lipstick and pompadours," said Woodson, his charred entrails spilling out onto the rocky floor of the Netherworld while barb-toothed demons gnawed at his extremities. "I'm not laughing now, that's for sure. That Jack Chick guy is no kook."

U.S. To Host Foster Country

WASHINGTON, DC–At a press conference Monday, President Clinton confirmed that the U.S. is clearing out a portion of Montana to make room for foster country Ecuador. "Ecuador has been through some pretty rough times these last few years, bounced around from one foster homeland to another," Clinton said of the troubled South American nation, which lost its government in a March 1996 earthquake. "But it's a tough little nation, and with a lot of love and a little political stability, it's going to be just fine." Ecuador's previous host, Denmark, returned the country after just three weeks, complaining that it consumed too much of its food and petroleum.

Ask A Restaurant Critic

Ethan Pillers is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Restaurant Critic, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

Goin' Buggy!

Well, week two of being an enormous cock-roach, and I must admit that it's not so bad. If this sentiment sounds curious to you, bear in mind that prior to this metamorphosis, I was a 132-year-old human being who was constantly bed-ridden. My mobility has greatly improved, and I can skitter about quite ably from room to room on my six hairy legs. I have a commanding set of mandibles, and my shell is of an attractive mahogany hue. It's not glamorous, but I must say that if I had to metamorphose into an insect, I could have done far worse, such as a meal-worm or one of those creepy luna moths. Ewww! My exoskeleton crawls just to think of it!

Albert's Choice

The Democratic National Convention is underway, and much of the focus is on Al Gore's running mate, Joseph Lieberman, an Orthodox Jew. What do you think of the prospect of a Jewish vice-president?

No One Seems To Care That Area Man's Bike Was Stolen

IOWA CITY, IA–Despite the fact that it cost $350 when purchased two years ago and was still in excellent condition, no one seems to care that area resident Dan Bleidner's Trek 820 mountain bike was stolen from his Lansing Street apartment building Sunday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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Haikuscopes

  • Aries

    Aries

    the heavenly spheres
    influence your pale wan soul
    to eat fatty snacks
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    the cell phone yet rings
    though an angered motorist
    jams it in your skull
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    it is not your fault
    when your tortured broken heart
    spatters pallbearers
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    the pale morning mist
    reveals your prints on the fat
    dead prostitute's ass
  • Leo

    Leo

    in my restaurant–
    aren't you funny, mister
    that-wasn't-chicken?
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    the insouciant
    mosquito tickles my ear
    goddamn mosquitoes
  • Libra

    Libra

    the boss' young wife
    what a triumph!–but, oh, crap
    all over her thigh
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    an office stapler
    the wrong tool for seppuku
    don't let that stop you
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    mr. matthau and
    ragtag gang of lost children
    could never beat us
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    five syllables, then
    seven, then five syllables
    blah blah fucking blah
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    what were you thinking
    dumbass atom-bomb-dropping
    white motherfuckers?
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    you will never reach
    perfection in your stagnant
    culture, O round-eyes
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