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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Haikuscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    the heavenly spheres
    influence your pale wan soul
    to eat fatty snacks
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    the cell phone yet rings
    though an angered motorist
    jams it in your skull
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    it is not your fault
    when your tortured broken heart
    spatters pallbearers
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    the pale morning mist
    reveals your prints on the fat
    dead prostitute's ass
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    in my restaurant–
    aren't you funny, mister
    that-wasn't-chicken?
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    the insouciant
    mosquito tickles my ear
    goddamn mosquitoes
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    the boss' young wife
    what a triumph!–but, oh, crap
    all over her thigh
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    an office stapler
    the wrong tool for seppuku
    don't let that stop you
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    mr. matthau and
    ragtag gang of lost children
    could never beat us
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    five syllables, then
    seven, then five syllables
    blah blah fucking blah
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    what were you thinking
    dumbass atom-bomb-dropping
    white motherfuckers?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    you will never reach
    perfection in your stagnant
    culture, O round-eyes

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