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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Haikuscopes

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    the heavenly spheres
    influence your pale wan soul
    to eat fatty snacks
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    the cell phone yet rings
    though an angered motorist
    jams it in your skull
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    it is not your fault
    when your tortured broken heart
    spatters pallbearers
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    the pale morning mist
    reveals your prints on the fat
    dead prostitute's ass
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    in my restaurant–
    aren't you funny, mister
    that-wasn't-chicken?
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    the insouciant
    mosquito tickles my ear
    goddamn mosquitoes
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    the boss' young wife
    what a triumph!–but, oh, crap
    all over her thigh
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    an office stapler
    the wrong tool for seppuku
    don't let that stop you
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    mr. matthau and
    ragtag gang of lost children
    could never beat us
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    five syllables, then
    seven, then five syllables
    blah blah fucking blah
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    what were you thinking
    dumbass atom-bomb-dropping
    white motherfuckers?
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    you will never reach
    perfection in your stagnant
    culture, O round-eyes

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