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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, you and 47,500 others will bury a comprehensive time capsule that will precisely reflect modern American life after a massive earthquake splits the ground open and swallows an entire city.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Financial hardship will soon be yours when a visiting Spaniard causes $600 worth of damage to your bar's mechanical bull.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be filled with renewed hope this week after scientists discover a new species of flower in the Amazon rainforest that could potentially provide a distraction from cancer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A job well done is often its own reward. However, $10,000 will nonetheless be offered to whoever can provide valuable information regarding your first-rate murder of three local men.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While your mother's need to always get in the last word is annoying, it's your father's need to get in the last punch that really bothers you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    During your visit to Guatemala this week, you will uncover a series of frightening Mayan tribal masks, all of which date back to the late 1980s and bear an uncanny resemblance to former president Ronald Reagan.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it's natural for human beings to be resistant to change, after losing your family, job, and home, it's probably time you start accepting some from passersby.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    An explosion during a heavy-metal concert this week will leave you and dozens of others critically injured when the warning sign given by an overheating smoke machine goes unnoticed.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be jolted from your sense of complacency and stirred to take action this week after learning that there are fewer than 5,000 mink coats in existence worldwide.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After days of panic, you will experience relief again this week, when directors at the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists realize their mistake in setting the Doomsday Clock ahead for daylight saving time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    One can say a lot with only a few words, the sentiment of which will be clear to you when standing before the senior district judge this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will quickly become the most reviled villain the WWE has ever seen this week after changing your wrestling persona to that of Brian Gunderson: The Wrestler Who Staunchly Dislikes the Taste of Mayonnaise.

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