Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next


  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, you and 47,500 others will bury a comprehensive time capsule that will precisely reflect modern American life after a massive earthquake splits the ground open and swallows an entire city.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Financial hardship will soon be yours when a visiting Spaniard causes $600 worth of damage to your bar's mechanical bull.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be filled with renewed hope this week after scientists discover a new species of flower in the Amazon rainforest that could potentially provide a distraction from cancer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A job well done is often its own reward. However, $10,000 will nonetheless be offered to whoever can provide valuable information regarding your first-rate murder of three local men.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While your mother's need to always get in the last word is annoying, it's your father's need to get in the last punch that really bothers you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    During your visit to Guatemala this week, you will uncover a series of frightening Mayan tribal masks, all of which date back to the late 1980s and bear an uncanny resemblance to former president Ronald Reagan.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it's natural for human beings to be resistant to change, after losing your family, job, and home, it's probably time you start accepting some from passersby.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    An explosion during a heavy-metal concert this week will leave you and dozens of others critically injured when the warning sign given by an overheating smoke machine goes unnoticed.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be jolted from your sense of complacency and stirred to take action this week after learning that there are fewer than 5,000 mink coats in existence worldwide.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After days of panic, you will experience relief again this week, when directors at the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists realize their mistake in setting the Doomsday Clock ahead for daylight saving time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    One can say a lot with only a few words, the sentiment of which will be clear to you when standing before the senior district judge this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will quickly become the most reviled villain the WWE has ever seen this week after changing your wrestling persona to that of Brian Gunderson: The Wrestler Who Staunchly Dislikes the Taste of Mayonnaise.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close