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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Horoscope

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, you and 47,500 others will bury a comprehensive time capsule that will precisely reflect modern American life after a massive earthquake splits the ground open and swallows an entire city.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Financial hardship will soon be yours when a visiting Spaniard causes $600 worth of damage to your bar's mechanical bull.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be filled with renewed hope this week after scientists discover a new species of flower in the Amazon rainforest that could potentially provide a distraction from cancer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A job well done is often its own reward. However, $10,000 will nonetheless be offered to whoever can provide valuable information regarding your first-rate murder of three local men.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While your mother's need to always get in the last word is annoying, it's your father's need to get in the last punch that really bothers you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    During your visit to Guatemala this week, you will uncover a series of frightening Mayan tribal masks, all of which date back to the late 1980s and bear an uncanny resemblance to former president Ronald Reagan.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it's natural for human beings to be resistant to change, after losing your family, job, and home, it's probably time you start accepting some from passersby.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    An explosion during a heavy-metal concert this week will leave you and dozens of others critically injured when the warning sign given by an overheating smoke machine goes unnoticed.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be jolted from your sense of complacency and stirred to take action this week after learning that there are fewer than 5,000 mink coats in existence worldwide.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After days of panic, you will experience relief again this week, when directors at the Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists realize their mistake in setting the Doomsday Clock ahead for daylight saving time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    One can say a lot with only a few words, the sentiment of which will be clear to you when standing before the senior district judge this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will quickly become the most reviled villain the WWE has ever seen this week after changing your wrestling persona to that of Brian Gunderson: The Wrestler Who Staunchly Dislikes the Taste of Mayonnaise.

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