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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
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Horoscope for the week of April 1, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will go down in crime lore after sweeping through Vermont, New Hampshire and Massachusetts in a single afternoon, completing the most efficient tri-state killing spree in history.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be admitted to the emergency room after attempting to cleanse your soul with Chore-Boy pads and abrasive cleanser.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will actually win the lottery this week. Unfortunately, it is the Czech National Lottery, and the prize is a bill for $8.13.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You experience great embarrassment this week when your friends discover that Thomas Edison, not you, patented the light bulb and the phonograph.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Low Nielsen ratings, complaints from Christian groups, and rising production costs have resulted in the cancellation of this star sign, which will be replaced by a rotation of Wayans brothers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will achieve fame among dentists when you cleverly file your teeth in such a way that you can bite your signature into people's arms.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You begin to suspect that something is wrong when your beautiful but mysterious, foreign-born girlfriend attempts to knock you out with a pair of American thighs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that the future is an infinite and intertwined set of probabilities in a state of quantum flux, and is, therefore, not knowable.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will never win the love and approval of your father, who, unbeknownst to you, is actually Clive Hawkins, an alcoholic furniture dealer from Tuscaloosa, AL.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be extremely surprised by the unusual events of this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will receive your last-ever kiss today. Take heart, however, as you will live another 200 years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Dental records, fingerprints and DNA testing will be useless in identifying your mysteriously liquefied corpse.

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