Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will go down in crime lore after sweeping through Vermont, New Hampshire and Massachusetts in a single afternoon, completing the most efficient tri-state killing spree in history.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will be admitted to the emergency room after attempting to cleanse your soul with Chore-Boy pads and abrasive cleanser.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will actually win the lottery this week. Unfortunately, it is the Czech National Lottery, and the prize is a bill for $8.13.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You experience great embarrassment this week when your friends discover that Thomas Edison, not you, patented the light bulb and the phonograph.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Low Nielsen ratings, complaints from Christian groups, and rising production costs have resulted in the cancellation of this star sign, which will be replaced by a rotation of Wayans brothers.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will achieve fame among dentists when you cleverly file your teeth in such a way that you can bite your signature into people's arms.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You begin to suspect that something is wrong when your beautiful but mysterious, foreign-born girlfriend attempts to knock you out with a pair of American thighs.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars indicate that the future is an infinite and intertwined set of probabilities in a state of quantum flux, and is, therefore, not knowable.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will never win the love and approval of your father, who, unbeknownst to you, is actually Clive Hawkins, an alcoholic furniture dealer from Tuscaloosa, AL.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be extremely surprised by the unusual events of this week.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will receive your last-ever kiss today. Take heart, however, as you will live another 200 years.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Dental records, fingerprints and DNA testing will be useless in identifying your mysteriously liquefied corpse.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION