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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of April 1, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will go down in crime lore after sweeping through Vermont, New Hampshire and Massachusetts in a single afternoon, completing the most efficient tri-state killing spree in history.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be admitted to the emergency room after attempting to cleanse your soul with Chore-Boy pads and abrasive cleanser.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will actually win the lottery this week. Unfortunately, it is the Czech National Lottery, and the prize is a bill for $8.13.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You experience great embarrassment this week when your friends discover that Thomas Edison, not you, patented the light bulb and the phonograph.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Low Nielsen ratings, complaints from Christian groups, and rising production costs have resulted in the cancellation of this star sign, which will be replaced by a rotation of Wayans brothers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will achieve fame among dentists when you cleverly file your teeth in such a way that you can bite your signature into people's arms.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You begin to suspect that something is wrong when your beautiful but mysterious, foreign-born girlfriend attempts to knock you out with a pair of American thighs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that the future is an infinite and intertwined set of probabilities in a state of quantum flux, and is, therefore, not knowable.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will never win the love and approval of your father, who, unbeknownst to you, is actually Clive Hawkins, an alcoholic furniture dealer from Tuscaloosa, AL.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be extremely surprised by the unusual events of this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will receive your last-ever kiss today. Take heart, however, as you will live another 200 years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Dental records, fingerprints and DNA testing will be useless in identifying your mysteriously liquefied corpse.

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