Horoscope for the week of April 1, 1998

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of April 1, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will go down in crime lore after sweeping through Vermont, New Hampshire and Massachusetts in a single afternoon, completing the most efficient tri-state killing spree in history.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be admitted to the emergency room after attempting to cleanse your soul with Chore-Boy pads and abrasive cleanser.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will actually win the lottery this week. Unfortunately, it is the Czech National Lottery, and the prize is a bill for $8.13.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You experience great embarrassment this week when your friends discover that Thomas Edison, not you, patented the light bulb and the phonograph.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Low Nielsen ratings, complaints from Christian groups, and rising production costs have resulted in the cancellation of this star sign, which will be replaced by a rotation of Wayans brothers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will achieve fame among dentists when you cleverly file your teeth in such a way that you can bite your signature into people's arms.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You begin to suspect that something is wrong when your beautiful but mysterious, foreign-born girlfriend attempts to knock you out with a pair of American thighs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that the future is an infinite and intertwined set of probabilities in a state of quantum flux, and is, therefore, not knowable.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will never win the love and approval of your father, who, unbeknownst to you, is actually Clive Hawkins, an alcoholic furniture dealer from Tuscaloosa, AL.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be extremely surprised by the unusual events of this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will receive your last-ever kiss today. Take heart, however, as you will live another 200 years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Dental records, fingerprints and DNA testing will be useless in identifying your mysteriously liquefied corpse.