Horoscope for the week of April 10, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 13

Lutheran Minister Arrested On Charges Of Boring Young Children

PERU, IL— St. Luke's Lutheran Church was rocked by scandal Tuesday, when Rev. Bob Tillich, the church's pastor of 12 years, was arrested on suspicion of boring as many as 23 children within the congregation. "Reverend Bob always seemed like the sweetest man," parishioner Vera Crandall said following the arrest. "When my son said he made him watch three 1975 filmstrips about the suffering of Job, I was shocked." In the wake of the arrest, seven former Sunday-school students, dating as far back as 1989, have stepped forward with charges that Tillich subjected them to inappropriately tedious parables.

Breakup Doesn't Seem To Have Changed Relationship

CARY, NC— Six weeks after their breakup, Daniel Bey and Janette Forsberg seem to have undergone no apparent change in their relationship, friends of the ostensibly ex-couple reported Monday. "They see each other all the time, and they still argue about every trivial thing, just like when they were together," friend Rich Gascone said. "Daniel even told me they're still having sex. But apparently, in some science-fiction way I can't comprehend, they're split up."

Either Jay Leno A Repeat Or P. Diddy Got Arrested Again

MOUNT LEBANON, PA— According to Pittsburgh-area TV viewer Erik Allen, either Monday's Tonight Show With Jay Leno was a repeat or P. Diddy got arrested again. "Jay's monologue had all these jokes about P. Diddy getting busted for some kind of gun possession," Allen said. "I hadn't really heard anything about another arrest, so I figured it was a rerun. But that was, like, more than a year ago, right? Plus, I think he was still Puff Daddy back then, and Jay called him P. Diddy." Allen said he had hoped to gain insight from Leno's interviews with guests Lisa Kudrow and zookeeper Jack Hanna, but "neither seemed to be plugging anything all that time-specific."

What Does Not Kill Me Only Makes Me Whinier

I've endured a great deal of hardship and pain in my life. I'll never forget the gastrointestinal distress I suffered two years ago after consuming an entire bag of caramel popcorn. Or the humiliation I felt in 1996 when I was stood up by a blind date. Or the time I spent an entire day wearing a shirt that, unbeknownst to me, was marred by unsightly deodorant streaks.

Clinton Dragged Up On Stage To Sing 'Sweet Home Alabama' With The Band

LITTLE ROCK, AR— Former president Bill Clinton joined local rock band Jimmy Ellis & The Houserockers onstage for a cover of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" Saturday. "Come on up here, Mr. President!" Ellis urged Clinton, whom he spotted near the back of the crowd. "Show the nice folks how it's done!" Following the performance, Clinton remained onstage for a rollicking rendition of Garth Brooks' "Friends In Low Places."

Japanese Exchange Student Taken To Japanese Restaurant

BETTENDORF, IA—Takashi Miyazawa, 16, an exchange student from Nagoya spending six months in Bettendorf, was given the opportunity to experience authentic Japanese cuisine Monday, when host mother Bobbie Tucker arranged a visit to Edo, a restaurant in nearby Davenport.

Arafat Under Fire

Trapped by Israeli tanks in his West Bank compound, Yasser Arafat is under fire for not doing more to stop the recent Palestinian terrorist attacks. What do you think?

Tax-Code Changes

The Aptil 15 tax-filing deadline is fast approaching. What are some of the changes in this year's code?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Horoscope for the week of April 10, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    It's true that people often become what they hate. This explains why you're slowly becoming a pineapple-and-anchovy pizza.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You're not the kind of person who can wear those fashionably low jeans, mostly because you can't figure out how pants are supposed to work.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will have one of those disorienting "through the looking glass" moments when you are thrown through a large looking glass.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The unexpected arrival of quintuplets in your life wouldn't be so bad if you could figure out whose they were.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You're not the type to rest on your laurels when there are perfectly good couches available.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will achieve modest fame as a lion tamer, but audiences won't like you nearly as much as the man who has absolutely no control over the lions.
  • Libra

    Libra

    No one would go to Salina, KS, without stopping for a world-famous CozeeBurger–except you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The only thing worse than a trick yo-yo man is a trick yo-yo man who applauds after each one of his yo-yo tricks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The men from the recliner company will stop laughing just long enough to claim they've never seen anyone lose a leg in one of their products before.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will find yourself in yet another argument over whether Murasaki's The Tale Of Genji is the world's first true novel.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    They will comfort you after the accident by saying there was nothing you could have done, leaving unsaid the fact that most people would have at least tried hitting thebrakes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    As you emerge from the womb, a doctor will strike you and make you cry. Serves you right for sleeping with his wife.
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