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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Horoscope for the week of April 10, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's true that people often become what they hate. This explains why you're slowly becoming a pineapple-and-anchovy pizza.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're not the kind of person who can wear those fashionably low jeans, mostly because you can't figure out how pants are supposed to work.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will have one of those disorienting "through the looking glass" moments when you are thrown through a large looking glass.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The unexpected arrival of quintuplets in your life wouldn't be so bad if you could figure out whose they were.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're not the type to rest on your laurels when there are perfectly good couches available.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will achieve modest fame as a lion tamer, but audiences won't like you nearly as much as the man who has absolutely no control over the lions.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No one would go to Salina, KS, without stopping for a world-famous CozeeBurger–except you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The only thing worse than a trick yo-yo man is a trick yo-yo man who applauds after each one of his yo-yo tricks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The men from the recliner company will stop laughing just long enough to claim they've never seen anyone lose a leg in one of their products before.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will find yourself in yet another argument over whether Murasaki's The Tale Of Genji is the world's first true novel.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They will comfort you after the accident by saying there was nothing you could have done, leaving unsaid the fact that most people would have at least tried hitting thebrakes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    As you emerge from the womb, a doctor will strike you and make you cry. Serves you right for sleeping with his wife.
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