Aries | March 21 to April 19
It's true that people often become what they hate. This explains why you're slowly becoming a pineapple-and-anchovy pizza.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You're not the kind of person who can wear those fashionably low jeans, mostly because you can't figure out how pants are supposed to work.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will have one of those disorienting "through the looking glass" moments when you are thrown through a large looking glass.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The unexpected arrival of quintuplets in your life wouldn't be so bad if you could figure out whose they were.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You're not the type to rest on your laurels when there are perfectly good couches available.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will achieve modest fame as a lion tamer, but audiences won't like you nearly as much as the man who has absolutely no control over the lions.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
No one would go to Salina, KS, without stopping for a world-famous CozeeBurger–except you.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The only thing worse than a trick yo-yo man is a trick yo-yo man who applauds after each one of his yo-yo tricks.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The men from the recliner company will stop laughing just long enough to claim they've never seen anyone lose a leg in one of their products before.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will find yourself in yet another argument over whether Murasaki's The Tale Of Genji is the world's first true novel.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
They will comfort you after the accident by saying there was nothing you could have done, leaving unsaid the fact that most people would have at least tried hitting thebrakes.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
As you emerge from the womb, a doctor will strike you and make you cry. Serves you right for sleeping with his wife.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION