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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Horoscope for the week of April 10, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's true that people often become what they hate. This explains why you're slowly becoming a pineapple-and-anchovy pizza.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're not the kind of person who can wear those fashionably low jeans, mostly because you can't figure out how pants are supposed to work.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will have one of those disorienting "through the looking glass" moments when you are thrown through a large looking glass.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The unexpected arrival of quintuplets in your life wouldn't be so bad if you could figure out whose they were.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're not the type to rest on your laurels when there are perfectly good couches available.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will achieve modest fame as a lion tamer, but audiences won't like you nearly as much as the man who has absolutely no control over the lions.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No one would go to Salina, KS, without stopping for a world-famous CozeeBurger–except you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The only thing worse than a trick yo-yo man is a trick yo-yo man who applauds after each one of his yo-yo tricks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The men from the recliner company will stop laughing just long enough to claim they've never seen anyone lose a leg in one of their products before.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will find yourself in yet another argument over whether Murasaki's The Tale Of Genji is the world's first true novel.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They will comfort you after the accident by saying there was nothing you could have done, leaving unsaid the fact that most people would have at least tried hitting thebrakes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    As you emerge from the womb, a doctor will strike you and make you cry. Serves you right for sleeping with his wife.

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