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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of April 10, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's true that people often become what they hate. This explains why you're slowly becoming a pineapple-and-anchovy pizza.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're not the kind of person who can wear those fashionably low jeans, mostly because you can't figure out how pants are supposed to work.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will have one of those disorienting "through the looking glass" moments when you are thrown through a large looking glass.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The unexpected arrival of quintuplets in your life wouldn't be so bad if you could figure out whose they were.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're not the type to rest on your laurels when there are perfectly good couches available.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will achieve modest fame as a lion tamer, but audiences won't like you nearly as much as the man who has absolutely no control over the lions.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No one would go to Salina, KS, without stopping for a world-famous CozeeBurger–except you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The only thing worse than a trick yo-yo man is a trick yo-yo man who applauds after each one of his yo-yo tricks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The men from the recliner company will stop laughing just long enough to claim they've never seen anyone lose a leg in one of their products before.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will find yourself in yet another argument over whether Murasaki's The Tale Of Genji is the world's first true novel.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They will comfort you after the accident by saying there was nothing you could have done, leaving unsaid the fact that most people would have at least tried hitting thebrakes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    As you emerge from the womb, a doctor will strike you and make you cry. Serves you right for sleeping with his wife.

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