Horoscope for the week of April 10, 2002

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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of April 10, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's true that people often become what they hate. This explains why you're slowly becoming a pineapple-and-anchovy pizza.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're not the kind of person who can wear those fashionably low jeans, mostly because you can't figure out how pants are supposed to work.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will have one of those disorienting "through the looking glass" moments when you are thrown through a large looking glass.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The unexpected arrival of quintuplets in your life wouldn't be so bad if you could figure out whose they were.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're not the type to rest on your laurels when there are perfectly good couches available.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will achieve modest fame as a lion tamer, but audiences won't like you nearly as much as the man who has absolutely no control over the lions.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No one would go to Salina, KS, without stopping for a world-famous CozeeBurger–except you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The only thing worse than a trick yo-yo man is a trick yo-yo man who applauds after each one of his yo-yo tricks.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The men from the recliner company will stop laughing just long enough to claim they've never seen anyone lose a leg in one of their products before.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will find yourself in yet another argument over whether Murasaki's The Tale Of Genji is the world's first true novel.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They will comfort you after the accident by saying there was nothing you could have done, leaving unsaid the fact that most people would have at least tried hitting thebrakes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    As you emerge from the womb, a doctor will strike you and make you cry. Serves you right for sleeping with his wife.


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