Horoscope for the week of April 11, 2001

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 11, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When you said no one could tell you how to live your life, you forgot about the warden and all those guards.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will receive an urgent transmission from the Martian government informing you that Mars does not, in fact, need women, so please stop sending them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The people who brought you Beethoven and Beethoven's 2nd have had time to think about it and are now willing to take them back.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your insistence that mere psychology is behind the recent stock-market swings will go largely unheeded by the other panhandlers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Does anybody want a perfectly good coffeemaker? The stars are giving up coffee and just want to get rid of the thing. It's a nice one, barely used.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll learn from experience that appointing a 10-member steering committee isn't the best way to drive a truck.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Be assured that the gods of Love and Mercy have heard your pleas for help. They have taped them and enjoy playing them for huge laughs at their god parties.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio would like to point out that it's a lot easier to predict exciting futures for people who leave the house sometimes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be struck with an incredible flash of near-divine insight next Tuesday, suddenly making you aware of the reason the chicken crossed the road.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your biting, acerbic sense of humor will be magically transformed into a lightly irreverent, playful one by Hollywood executives.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You just can't shake the feeling that, while he might not have shot anybody, Puffy must be guilty of something.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Money woes will continue to plague you for the foreseeable future. But, gee, you should be used to it by now, right?