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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of April 11, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When you said no one could tell you how to live your life, you forgot about the warden and all those guards.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will receive an urgent transmission from the Martian government informing you that Mars does not, in fact, need women, so please stop sending them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The people who brought you Beethoven and Beethoven's 2nd have had time to think about it and are now willing to take them back.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your insistence that mere psychology is behind the recent stock-market swings will go largely unheeded by the other panhandlers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Does anybody want a perfectly good coffeemaker? The stars are giving up coffee and just want to get rid of the thing. It's a nice one, barely used.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll learn from experience that appointing a 10-member steering committee isn't the best way to drive a truck.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Be assured that the gods of Love and Mercy have heard your pleas for help. They have taped them and enjoy playing them for huge laughs at their god parties.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio would like to point out that it's a lot easier to predict exciting futures for people who leave the house sometimes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be struck with an incredible flash of near-divine insight next Tuesday, suddenly making you aware of the reason the chicken crossed the road.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your biting, acerbic sense of humor will be magically transformed into a lightly irreverent, playful one by Hollywood executives.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You just can't shake the feeling that, while he might not have shot anybody, Puffy must be guilty of something.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Money woes will continue to plague you for the foreseeable future. But, gee, you should be used to it by now, right?

More from this section

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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