Horoscope for the week of April 11, 2001

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

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Horoscope for the week of April 11, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When you said no one could tell you how to live your life, you forgot about the warden and all those guards.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will receive an urgent transmission from the Martian government informing you that Mars does not, in fact, need women, so please stop sending them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The people who brought you Beethoven and Beethoven's 2nd have had time to think about it and are now willing to take them back.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your insistence that mere psychology is behind the recent stock-market swings will go largely unheeded by the other panhandlers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Does anybody want a perfectly good coffeemaker? The stars are giving up coffee and just want to get rid of the thing. It's a nice one, barely used.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll learn from experience that appointing a 10-member steering committee isn't the best way to drive a truck.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Be assured that the gods of Love and Mercy have heard your pleas for help. They have taped them and enjoy playing them for huge laughs at their god parties.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio would like to point out that it's a lot easier to predict exciting futures for people who leave the house sometimes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be struck with an incredible flash of near-divine insight next Tuesday, suddenly making you aware of the reason the chicken crossed the road.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your biting, acerbic sense of humor will be magically transformed into a lightly irreverent, playful one by Hollywood executives.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You just can't shake the feeling that, while he might not have shot anybody, Puffy must be guilty of something.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Money woes will continue to plague you for the foreseeable future. But, gee, you should be used to it by now, right?