Horoscope for the week of April 11, 2001

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Recent News

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

  • Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

    YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of April 11, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When you said no one could tell you how to live your life, you forgot about the warden and all those guards.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will receive an urgent transmission from the Martian government informing you that Mars does not, in fact, need women, so please stop sending them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The people who brought you Beethoven and Beethoven's 2nd have had time to think about it and are now willing to take them back.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your insistence that mere psychology is behind the recent stock-market swings will go largely unheeded by the other panhandlers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Does anybody want a perfectly good coffeemaker? The stars are giving up coffee and just want to get rid of the thing. It's a nice one, barely used.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll learn from experience that appointing a 10-member steering committee isn't the best way to drive a truck.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Be assured that the gods of Love and Mercy have heard your pleas for help. They have taped them and enjoy playing them for huge laughs at their god parties.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio would like to point out that it's a lot easier to predict exciting futures for people who leave the house sometimes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be struck with an incredible flash of near-divine insight next Tuesday, suddenly making you aware of the reason the chicken crossed the road.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your biting, acerbic sense of humor will be magically transformed into a lightly irreverent, playful one by Hollywood executives.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You just can't shake the feeling that, while he might not have shot anybody, Puffy must be guilty of something.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Money woes will continue to plague you for the foreseeable future. But, gee, you should be used to it by now, right?