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Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Notable Female Writers Throughout History

Jane Austen died 200 years ago today, but she continues to be widely read and influential to today’s writers. The Onion highlights some of the most notable female authors throughout history.
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Horoscope for the week of April 11, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When you said no one could tell you how to live your life, you forgot about the warden and all those guards.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will receive an urgent transmission from the Martian government informing you that Mars does not, in fact, need women, so please stop sending them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The people who brought you Beethoven and Beethoven's 2nd have had time to think about it and are now willing to take them back.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your insistence that mere psychology is behind the recent stock-market swings will go largely unheeded by the other panhandlers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Does anybody want a perfectly good coffeemaker? The stars are giving up coffee and just want to get rid of the thing. It's a nice one, barely used.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll learn from experience that appointing a 10-member steering committee isn't the best way to drive a truck.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Be assured that the gods of Love and Mercy have heard your pleas for help. They have taped them and enjoy playing them for huge laughs at their god parties.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio would like to point out that it's a lot easier to predict exciting futures for people who leave the house sometimes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be struck with an incredible flash of near-divine insight next Tuesday, suddenly making you aware of the reason the chicken crossed the road.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your biting, acerbic sense of humor will be magically transformed into a lightly irreverent, playful one by Hollywood executives.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You just can't shake the feeling that, while he might not have shot anybody, Puffy must be guilty of something.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Money woes will continue to plague you for the foreseeable future. But, gee, you should be used to it by now, right?

More from this section

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

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