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Horoscope for the week of April 12, 2000

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 12, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will bring shame to your town coroner by causing him to laugh uncontrollably throughout your autopsy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You are beginning to frighten your family with your insistence that you are Chuck Negron, lead singer of Three Dog Night. That part of your life is over now.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will discover a new, non-Nietzschean snack chip that neither kills you nor makes you stronger.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Try as you might, you won't be able to shake the feeling that someone is ignoring every move you make.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If Lady Liberty doesn't crack a smile, and soon, Leo's gonna shove that goddamned torch right up her ass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars wish you'd stop asking them for advice all the time. You're not the only person in the world with problems, you know.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Life often imitates art, but until now, no life has imitated Rodin's Caryatid Who Has Fallen Under The Weight Of Her Stone quite like yours.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A collision with a gas truck will kill you dead as canasta, which, surprisingly, is still played regularly by several thousand devotees nationwide.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your tendency to heed the advice of nebulous celestial manifestations over that of flesh-and-blood people is your greatest asset.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The events of this week will strangely mimic those of every other week you've ever had.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: Faking your own orgasms may be okay, but faking those of others is not.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your inability to distinguish between right and wrong is mitigated by your inability ever to do anything worth mentioning.

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