Horoscope for the week of April 12, 2000

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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of April 12, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will bring shame to your town coroner by causing him to laugh uncontrollably throughout your autopsy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You are beginning to frighten your family with your insistence that you are Chuck Negron, lead singer of Three Dog Night. That part of your life is over now.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will discover a new, non-Nietzschean snack chip that neither kills you nor makes you stronger.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Try as you might, you won't be able to shake the feeling that someone is ignoring every move you make.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If Lady Liberty doesn't crack a smile, and soon, Leo's gonna shove that goddamned torch right up her ass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars wish you'd stop asking them for advice all the time. You're not the only person in the world with problems, you know.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Life often imitates art, but until now, no life has imitated Rodin's Caryatid Who Has Fallen Under The Weight Of Her Stone quite like yours.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A collision with a gas truck will kill you dead as canasta, which, surprisingly, is still played regularly by several thousand devotees nationwide.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your tendency to heed the advice of nebulous celestial manifestations over that of flesh-and-blood people is your greatest asset.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The events of this week will strangely mimic those of every other week you've ever had.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: Faking your own orgasms may be okay, but faking those of others is not.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your inability to distinguish between right and wrong is mitigated by your inability ever to do anything worth mentioning.


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