Horoscope for the week of April 12, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 13

Eleven-Year-Old Has Miniskirt, Pumps, Vague Notion Of What Sex Is

EL CENTRO, CA–According to reports, area 11-year-old Brianna Kimble possesses a black miniskirt, red-vinyl pumps with two-inch heels, and a vague understanding of the concept of sex. "We're not supposed to cover that until the seventh grade," said Kimble, sporting a midriff-baring "Porn Star" T-shirt, "but I know it's got something to do with when you take off your clothes and do stuff with a boy. And I think I heard somewhere that you can catch, like, diseases from it." Kimble then applied copious amounts of Hello Kitty Glitter Gloss to her lips.

NAACP Demands Less Minority Representation On UPN

BALTIMORE–Decrying the strong presence of African Americans on such programs as Malcolm & Eddie, Shasta, and The Parkers, NAACP president Kweisi Mfume called Monday for a significant reduction in minority representation on UPN. "We must step up pressure on this network to decrease the visibility of our people," said Mfume, addressing the NAACP's Board Of Directors. "America is just 13 percent black, yet on these crappy shows, we make up a full 85 percent. This is utterly unacceptable." Mfume then called for a boycott of UPN until the network "severely underrepresents us."

Message Under Juice Cap Totally Applies To Area Woman

GOOSE CREEK, TX–An inspirational message printed on the underside of an Elliott's Amazing Apple Juice bottle cap "totally applies" to area resident Carole Smith, 38. "It says, 'Often the things we search for most are already here.' That is so true," said Smith, opening the bottle. "Like friends and family and stuff." Smith praised the juice cap as "so deep."

Spelling Error Leads To Elaborate Cover-Up Doodle

OREM, UT–A spelling error led to an elaborate cover-up doodle Monday, when Lisa Cone, 16, buried evidence that she had misspelled "your" as "you're." "Luckily, I was able to transform the 'e' into a cartoon face, using the loop in the 'e' as a nose and drawing eyes above it," Cone said. "I then got rid of the apostrophe by thickening the left side of the vertical line in the 'r' until it was swallowed up entirely."

Coworkers Unable To Put Finger On What's Weird About Gary

WANTAGH, NY–For the third straight week, Gary Thurlow's coworkers at Liberty Travel remain unable to pin down what's weird about him. "I can't quite put my finger on it," Jessica Spivak said, "but there's something kinda odd." Explanations have included his mode of dress, the way he sits, the tenor of his voice, and that thing he does with his hands.

Wall Street's Wild Ride

The Dow and Nasdaq have been extremely volatile of late, plunging one minute and soaring the next. What do you think of all the wild fluctuations on Wall Street?

Did Six Million Really Visit The Holocaust Museum?

Did six million people really visit the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum since it opened in April 1993? That's what the United States Holocaust Memorial Council would have you believe, and if all you've been exposed to is its Zionist propaganda, you probably do. But just how many people have actually passed through the Holocaust Museum's doors?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 12, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will bring shame to your town coroner by causing him to laugh uncontrollably throughout your autopsy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You are beginning to frighten your family with your insistence that you are Chuck Negron, lead singer of Three Dog Night. That part of your life is over now.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will discover a new, non-Nietzschean snack chip that neither kills you nor makes you stronger.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Try as you might, you won't be able to shake the feeling that someone is ignoring every move you make.
  • Leo

    Leo

    If Lady Liberty doesn't crack a smile, and soon, Leo's gonna shove that goddamned torch right up her ass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The stars wish you'd stop asking them for advice all the time. You're not the only person in the world with problems, you know.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Life often imitates art, but until now, no life has imitated Rodin's Caryatid Who Has Fallen Under The Weight Of Her Stone quite like yours.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    A collision with a gas truck will kill you dead as canasta, which, surprisingly, is still played regularly by several thousand devotees nationwide.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your tendency to heed the advice of nebulous celestial manifestations over that of flesh-and-blood people is your greatest asset.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The events of this week will strangely mimic those of every other week you've ever had.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Remember: Faking your own orgasms may be okay, but faking those of others is not.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your inability to distinguish between right and wrong is mitigated by your inability ever to do anything worth mentioning.
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