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Horoscope for the week of April 12, 2000

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of April 12, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will bring shame to your town coroner by causing him to laugh uncontrollably throughout your autopsy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You are beginning to frighten your family with your insistence that you are Chuck Negron, lead singer of Three Dog Night. That part of your life is over now.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will discover a new, non-Nietzschean snack chip that neither kills you nor makes you stronger.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Try as you might, you won't be able to shake the feeling that someone is ignoring every move you make.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If Lady Liberty doesn't crack a smile, and soon, Leo's gonna shove that goddamned torch right up her ass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars wish you'd stop asking them for advice all the time. You're not the only person in the world with problems, you know.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Life often imitates art, but until now, no life has imitated Rodin's Caryatid Who Has Fallen Under The Weight Of Her Stone quite like yours.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A collision with a gas truck will kill you dead as canasta, which, surprisingly, is still played regularly by several thousand devotees nationwide.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your tendency to heed the advice of nebulous celestial manifestations over that of flesh-and-blood people is your greatest asset.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The events of this week will strangely mimic those of every other week you've ever had.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: Faking your own orgasms may be okay, but faking those of others is not.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your inability to distinguish between right and wrong is mitigated by your inability ever to do anything worth mentioning.

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