adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of April 13, 2005

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of April 13, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Some days you get the bear, and some days the bear gets you, but not a day goes by that you don't regret becoming a professor of Ursine Studies.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A nutty mix-up during your elopement will see you going to the wrong house and abducting the wrong man, but luckily you'll be a hell of a lot happier with him.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your efforts to write the perfect trucker ballad will be hampered by the jealous ghost of Nashville star Dave Dudley, who keeps spiking your beer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll feel dishonored and shunned when thousands of mourners pass by your dead body on their way to honor the pope.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Three extremely important events will mark your last days on earth: First, you find out you can buy uranium over the Internet. The second and third pretty much follow as the night follows the day.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll question your wisdom in hiring such a fanatical personal trainer, but you must admit that those who manage to escape his diabolical Maze Of Fitness Or Death emerge looking pretty damn buff.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You know you're not the first person to experience identity problems, but it's still jarring to realize that you're a woman trapped in a rotting musk ox's body.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've heard a lot of rational-sounding arguments in favor of drug legalization, but you'll be damned if you can remember what they are.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll try with all your might to save poor little Pekingese Tuffy, but there's nothing any mortal can do when the Lord Of All Beasts announces that any dog smaller than a beagle doesn't count.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The rash of burning-dogshit incidents in your neighborhood will finally end this weekend, when D.C. police formally issue a cease-and-desist order to that prankster Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be stripped of your merit badges, your troop insignia, and your Boy Scouts uniform during an extremely disgraceful and sexy night at the International Friendship Scout Camporee.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your new love has thrown you into an exciting whirlwind of passion and euphoria, but pretty soon you'll probably have to meet in person.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close