Horoscope for the week of April 13, 2005

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Vol 41 Issue 15

Embattled Tom Delay

In recent weeks, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has come under increasing fire from a number of important media and political figures. What do you think?

I Gotta Get Out More Often

Hola, amigos. What do you hear? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been dragging my ass through the routine. The winter always gets me down. Don't tell me how it's spring. I know it's spring, but that makes it worse. It gets warm for a few days, I think I finally broke on through to the other side, and then it snows and I feel like shit again. Plus, my alternator belt is squeaking. I got a new one, but I haven't changed it yet because who wants to do car repairs when it's nice out?

The Minutemen

A group of volunteers calling themselves the Minutemen began standing sentry on the U.S. side of the Arizona-Mexico border last week to watch for illegal immigrants and smugglers. How are they safeguarding the country?

Pope John Paul II, Longtime Owner Of Popemobile, Dead At 84

VATICAN CITY—Pope John Paul II, who owned the Popemobile for more than a quarter of a century, passed away last Saturday. "The Popemobile was known the world over," said Peter Egan, a writer for Road & Track. "A fine example of European craftsmanship, the hand-built, 4.3 litre, V-8 powered, pearl-gray vehicle was exceptionally well-loved, even more so after the bulletproof bubble was added in 1981 to safeguard its passengers against assassination attempts. During the time he owned the Popemobile, John Paul II visited more than 120 countries. He loved the open road." The specially altered Mercedes-Benz ML-series off-road vehicle has been maintained by papal staff since the pope fell ill in August 2004. The pope's will is expected to grant its use to either the next pope or John Paul II's young cousin Zbigniew.

Preparing A Living Will

A living will is a legal document that provides directives for your medical care in the event that you are physically unable to express them. Here are some things to keep in mind while creating a living will:
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Horoscope for the week of April 13, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries

    Some days you get the bear, and some days the bear gets you, but not a day goes by that you don't regret becoming a professor of Ursine Studies.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    A nutty mix-up during your elopement will see you going to the wrong house and abducting the wrong man, but luckily you'll be a hell of a lot happier with him.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your efforts to write the perfect trucker ballad will be hampered by the jealous ghost of Nashville star Dave Dudley, who keeps spiking your beer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll feel dishonored and shunned when thousands of mourners pass by your dead body on their way to honor the pope.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Three extremely important events will mark your last days on earth: First, you find out you can buy uranium over the Internet. The second and third pretty much follow as the night follows the day.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll question your wisdom in hiring such a fanatical personal trainer, but you must admit that those who manage to escape his diabolical Maze Of Fitness Or Death emerge looking pretty damn buff.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You know you're not the first person to experience identity problems, but it's still jarring to realize that you're a woman trapped in a rotting musk ox's body.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You've heard a lot of rational-sounding arguments in favor of drug legalization, but you'll be damned if you can remember what they are.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll try with all your might to save poor little Pekingese Tuffy, but there's nothing any mortal can do when the Lord Of All Beasts announces that any dog smaller than a beagle doesn't count.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The rash of burning-dogshit incidents in your neighborhood will finally end this weekend, when D.C. police formally issue a cease-and-desist order to that prankster Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll be stripped of your merit badges, your troop insignia, and your Boy Scouts uniform during an extremely disgraceful and sexy night at the International Friendship Scout Camporee.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your new love has thrown you into an exciting whirlwind of passion and euphoria, but pretty soon you'll probably have to meet in person.
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