Horoscope for the week of April 14, 1999

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of April 14, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars were considering warning you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The world will still turn and the sun will still rise next week, proving that they can do so perfectly well without you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Despite what everyone keeps telling you, love will not help you heal yourself. Instead, use hatred to hurt others.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer tried to give you a horoscope this week but was repeatedly interrupted by Orion's incessant whining about not being a member of the Zodiac.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Stop referring to phone calls as "telephographic missives." Please. I mean it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You don't know why everyone teased you when you told them about your dream in which John Wayne was wearing a dress. After all, he was wearing the dress, not you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Strangely, no one will thank you for your efforts in pointing out factual errors in children's books.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be both espaliered and pleached next week, which is strange, as you are not a fruit tree.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will finally meet the man of your dreams, proving once and for all that you have dull, ugly dreams.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Capricorn would like to formally apologize for contradicting your Sunday fortune cookie. It won't happen again.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    When you said in a fit of despair that "everyone hates me," you forgot about Sally Carruthers of East Lansing, MI, who hasn’t heard of you yet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will continue to wrestle with the difficult question of whether elephants are real.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close