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Horoscope for the week of April 14, 1999

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

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God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

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Lawn and Garden

Horoscope for the week of April 14, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars were considering warning you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The world will still turn and the sun will still rise next week, proving that they can do so perfectly well without you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Despite what everyone keeps telling you, love will not help you heal yourself. Instead, use hatred to hurt others.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer tried to give you a horoscope this week but was repeatedly interrupted by Orion's incessant whining about not being a member of the Zodiac.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Stop referring to phone calls as "telephographic missives." Please. I mean it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You don't know why everyone teased you when you told them about your dream in which John Wayne was wearing a dress. After all, he was wearing the dress, not you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Strangely, no one will thank you for your efforts in pointing out factual errors in children's books.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be both espaliered and pleached next week, which is strange, as you are not a fruit tree.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will finally meet the man of your dreams, proving once and for all that you have dull, ugly dreams.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Capricorn would like to formally apologize for contradicting your Sunday fortune cookie. It won't happen again.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    When you said in a fit of despair that "everyone hates me," you forgot about Sally Carruthers of East Lansing, MI, who hasn’t heard of you yet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will continue to wrestle with the difficult question of whether elephants are real.

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