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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Horoscope for the week of April 14, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars were considering warning you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The world will still turn and the sun will still rise next week, proving that they can do so perfectly well without you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Despite what everyone keeps telling you, love will not help you heal yourself. Instead, use hatred to hurt others.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer tried to give you a horoscope this week but was repeatedly interrupted by Orion's incessant whining about not being a member of the Zodiac.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Stop referring to phone calls as "telephographic missives." Please. I mean it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You don't know why everyone teased you when you told them about your dream in which John Wayne was wearing a dress. After all, he was wearing the dress, not you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Strangely, no one will thank you for your efforts in pointing out factual errors in children's books.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be both espaliered and pleached next week, which is strange, as you are not a fruit tree.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will finally meet the man of your dreams, proving once and for all that you have dull, ugly dreams.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Capricorn would like to formally apologize for contradicting your Sunday fortune cookie. It won't happen again.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    When you said in a fit of despair that "everyone hates me," you forgot about Sally Carruthers of East Lansing, MI, who hasn’t heard of you yet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will continue to wrestle with the difficult question of whether elephants are real.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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