Horoscope for the week of April 14, 1999

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Vol 35 Issue 14

Efforts Of World's 16 Billion Chickens Still Not Adding Up To Much

OMAHA, NE—According to a U.S. Poultry Council report released Monday, the collective efforts of the world's 16 billion chickens have yet to yield any appreciable results. "For thousands of years, chickens worldwide have put a tremendous amount of energy into their various activities, which include flapping, squawking and pecking with a great deal of vigor," the Poultry Council report read. "But it remains unclear what has been accomplished as a result of their unfocused efforts."

Husband Calls For Greater Separation Of Church And Mate

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Citing a disruptive influence on the everyday operation of the Touhy home, Dennis Touhy called Monday for greater separation of New Hope Tabernacle Church and Connie, his mate of 14 years. "It is wholly inappropriate for my wife to become involved in so many church activities at the expense of her role as my mate," Touhy said. "As the first article of our prenuptial agreement clearly states, 'Connie shall not spend every second of her spare time attending choir practices, planning the annual fundraising bazaar and involving herself in other such church activities.' That article has clearly been violated."

Don't Nobody Wanna Hear Area Man Run His Mouth

MACON, GA—According to a recent Gallup Poll, zero percent of Macon residents wanna hear area fool Ricky Baston run his mouth like a all-night bus, and he ain't sayin' nothing anyway. The poll found that don't nobody wanna hear Baston talkin' 'bout, 'I gonna get me a car,' and, 'My old lady been ridin' my ass' and all that. The poll confirms the findings of a recent ABC News/Washington Post phone survey, in which 100 percent of Macon residents described themselves as wanting Baston out they damn face.

Listener Consumed By Spittle On Corner Of Mouth

DOWNERS GROVE, IL—The words of area resident Pete Fargas were lost Saturday on listener Lois Dumas, who was rendered unable to concentrate due to a gob of spittle on the left corner of Fargas' mouth. "He kept talking, and I kept nodding, but I really couldn't focus on anything but the spittle," Dumas said. "I was just hoping he would eventually sense its presence and clear it away with his tongue, but he never did."

Customer Awkwardly Accepts One Cent, Receipt

BERKELEY, CA—Coffeehouse patron Lenny Niyo awkwardly accepted one cent and a receipt Monday after purchasing a $1.99 biscotti. "It made me feel kind of cheap, standing there waiting for six or seven seconds while the receipt printed out and the cashier put away my singles and got the penny, but it would have looked weird if I'd just walked away, too," Niyo said. "It's not like I wanted the receipt. I was sure the biscotti would work out fine." Niyo has reportedly not been this humiliated in a food-service environment since May 1998, when a waiter told him to enjoy his meal and he replied, "You, too."

Destination: Another Level

Baby, you are the one true love of my life. You are the one I dream about both night and day. You are the one who lights the fire of my desire. Also, you have beautiful facial skin.

A Thrilling Climax

Last week, I told you how Standish and I had happened upon my vast fortune in a clearing in the middle of a forest. My joy at finding my precious wealth soon faded, however, when I espied my thieving nemesis, Black Scarlet, cavorting with none other than Mr. Tin, the ro-bot who once served as my nurse.

Breakroom Tension At All-Time High Following Mug Dispute

PHOENIX—Diplomatic measures have failed to ease breakroom tension following Monday's latest mug dispute between Southwest DataTech employees Iris Cole and Steve Mees. "An already tense atmosphere only deteriorated when Iris caught Steve using her mug yet again," an unnamed accounting-department source said. Cole, whose mug features a cartoon bear sleeping next to a sign reading, 'Wake Me When It's Friday!," rejected Mees' excuse that his mug looks similar to hers.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Horoscope for the week of April 14, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars were considering warning you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The world will still turn and the sun will still rise next week, proving that they can do so perfectly well without you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Despite what everyone keeps telling you, love will not help you heal yourself. Instead, use hatred to hurt others.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Cancer tried to give you a horoscope this week but was repeatedly interrupted by Orion's incessant whining about not being a member of the Zodiac.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Stop referring to phone calls as "telephographic missives." Please. I mean it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You don't know why everyone teased you when you told them about your dream in which John Wayne was wearing a dress. After all, he was wearing the dress, not you.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Strangely, no one will thank you for your efforts in pointing out factual errors in children's books.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will be both espaliered and pleached next week, which is strange, as you are not a fruit tree.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will finally meet the man of your dreams, proving once and for all that you have dull, ugly dreams.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Capricorn would like to formally apologize for contradicting your Sunday fortune cookie. It won't happen again.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    When you said in a fit of despair that "everyone hates me," you forgot about Sally Carruthers of East Lansing, MI, who hasn’t heard of you yet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will continue to wrestle with the difficult question of whether elephants are real.
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