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Horoscope for the week of April 14, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars were considering warning you about next Friday, but they've decided it would be funnier if you found out about the goats yourself.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The world will still turn and the sun will still rise next week, proving that they can do so perfectly well without you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Despite what everyone keeps telling you, love will not help you heal yourself. Instead, use hatred to hurt others.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer tried to give you a horoscope this week but was repeatedly interrupted by Orion's incessant whining about not being a member of the Zodiac.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Stop referring to phone calls as "telephographic missives." Please. I mean it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You don't know why everyone teased you when you told them about your dream in which John Wayne was wearing a dress. After all, he was wearing the dress, not you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Strangely, no one will thank you for your efforts in pointing out factual errors in children's books.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be both espaliered and pleached next week, which is strange, as you are not a fruit tree.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will finally meet the man of your dreams, proving once and for all that you have dull, ugly dreams.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Capricorn would like to formally apologize for contradicting your Sunday fortune cookie. It won't happen again.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    When you said in a fit of despair that "everyone hates me," you forgot about Sally Carruthers of East Lansing, MI, who hasn’t heard of you yet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will continue to wrestle with the difficult question of whether elephants are real.

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