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Horoscope for the week of April 14, 2004

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

Horoscope for the week of April 14, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've made it clear that you're a self-made man, and that no one can tell you how to live, but sometimes you think it might be nice to live indoors and eat people food.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Please stop comparing your own experiences to those of Sisyphus, who, unlike you, at least tried to get stuff done.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A bizarre misunderstanding on the part of a bordello owner results in your getting flayed within an inch of your life by hot Asian teens.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're well on your way to becoming a better person, but only if your body doesn't reject the kidney.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Most messages from the Unknowable Infinite are vague and open to interpretation, but there's no pussyfooting around when it comes to your enormous ass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While it's true that performing crazy antics in a mascot suit is passé, it served you well for many years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Next to its sheer beauty, the best thing about your throne of skulls is that every little skull represents a different memory.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be horrified to realize how low the entertainment industry has sunk when you see exactly what that wacky, perverted Rick Moranis has shrunk this time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Soon you'll show them all. Unfortunately, exactly what you'll show them is neither pretty, nor viewable by those under 18.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're willing to do something to make the world a better place, but only if it entails using fire.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This may be your star sign, but you have to admit that the differences between your own qualities and those indicated by the word "Aquarian" are pretty striking.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The happiness and positive energy heralded by Venus rising in your sign will be negated by the kinetic energy expended by Near Earth Asteroid B-2634628 falling on your house.

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