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A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:
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Horoscope for the week of April 14, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've made it clear that you're a self-made man, and that no one can tell you how to live, but sometimes you think it might be nice to live indoors and eat people food.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Please stop comparing your own experiences to those of Sisyphus, who, unlike you, at least tried to get stuff done.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A bizarre misunderstanding on the part of a bordello owner results in your getting flayed within an inch of your life by hot Asian teens.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're well on your way to becoming a better person, but only if your body doesn't reject the kidney.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Most messages from the Unknowable Infinite are vague and open to interpretation, but there's no pussyfooting around when it comes to your enormous ass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While it's true that performing crazy antics in a mascot suit is passé, it served you well for many years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Next to its sheer beauty, the best thing about your throne of skulls is that every little skull represents a different memory.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be horrified to realize how low the entertainment industry has sunk when you see exactly what that wacky, perverted Rick Moranis has shrunk this time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Soon you'll show them all. Unfortunately, exactly what you'll show them is neither pretty, nor viewable by those under 18.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're willing to do something to make the world a better place, but only if it entails using fire.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This may be your star sign, but you have to admit that the differences between your own qualities and those indicated by the word "Aquarian" are pretty striking.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The happiness and positive energy heralded by Venus rising in your sign will be negated by the kinetic energy expended by Near Earth Asteroid B-2634628 falling on your house.
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