Horoscope for the week of April 14, 2004

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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 14, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've made it clear that you're a self-made man, and that no one can tell you how to live, but sometimes you think it might be nice to live indoors and eat people food.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Please stop comparing your own experiences to those of Sisyphus, who, unlike you, at least tried to get stuff done.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A bizarre misunderstanding on the part of a bordello owner results in your getting flayed within an inch of your life by hot Asian teens.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're well on your way to becoming a better person, but only if your body doesn't reject the kidney.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Most messages from the Unknowable Infinite are vague and open to interpretation, but there's no pussyfooting around when it comes to your enormous ass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While it's true that performing crazy antics in a mascot suit is passé, it served you well for many years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Next to its sheer beauty, the best thing about your throne of skulls is that every little skull represents a different memory.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be horrified to realize how low the entertainment industry has sunk when you see exactly what that wacky, perverted Rick Moranis has shrunk this time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Soon you'll show them all. Unfortunately, exactly what you'll show them is neither pretty, nor viewable by those under 18.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're willing to do something to make the world a better place, but only if it entails using fire.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This may be your star sign, but you have to admit that the differences between your own qualities and those indicated by the word "Aquarian" are pretty striking.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The happiness and positive energy heralded by Venus rising in your sign will be negated by the kinetic energy expended by Near Earth Asteroid B-2634628 falling on your house.
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