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Horoscope for the week of April 15, 1998

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Horoscope for the week of April 15, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your attempts to smuggle Chinese heroin into post-war Belgium will be foiled when you run afoul of a do-gooder boy reporter and his faithful little white dog.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A little old lady will corner you on the bus and talk about the weather for the rest of her natural life.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your earnest effort to find redemption is spoiled when you realize that you have never done anything wrong.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A quick trip to Sweden enables you to cast aside the worries and frustrations of being a single mother for the romance and excitement of being a single father.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Leo is known as "The Lion." However, by a strange twist of fate, your nerdy seventh-grade algebra teacher was also known as "Leo."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that you will soon be involved in a hilariously violent, gag-filled, seven-minute-long "Virgo Season/Duck Season" argument with a bald, mush-mouthed hunter.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After discussing your deteriorating skills, fading youth and spotty hygiene, your once-eager stable of lovers will revoke your License To Thrill.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The heavenly spheres in their wisdom can see your future in great detail. However, for legal and ethical reasons, all they can tell you is that some heavy shit's about to go down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your attempt to pull off the world's most romantic marriage proposal will be spoiled when the trickster god of African folklore upends a pail of goat's milk on your head.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Repeated assurances fail to convince Robert DeNiro that you are not looking at him.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    An armed man with cue cards will accompany you all next week, giving you little choice in what to say.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The moon in your sign indicates that you should look out behind you!

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