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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of April 15, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your attempts to smuggle Chinese heroin into post-war Belgium will be foiled when you run afoul of a do-gooder boy reporter and his faithful little white dog.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A little old lady will corner you on the bus and talk about the weather for the rest of her natural life.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your earnest effort to find redemption is spoiled when you realize that you have never done anything wrong.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A quick trip to Sweden enables you to cast aside the worries and frustrations of being a single mother for the romance and excitement of being a single father.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Leo is known as "The Lion." However, by a strange twist of fate, your nerdy seventh-grade algebra teacher was also known as "Leo."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that you will soon be involved in a hilariously violent, gag-filled, seven-minute-long "Virgo Season/Duck Season" argument with a bald, mush-mouthed hunter.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After discussing your deteriorating skills, fading youth and spotty hygiene, your once-eager stable of lovers will revoke your License To Thrill.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The heavenly spheres in their wisdom can see your future in great detail. However, for legal and ethical reasons, all they can tell you is that some heavy shit's about to go down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your attempt to pull off the world's most romantic marriage proposal will be spoiled when the trickster god of African folklore upends a pail of goat's milk on your head.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Repeated assurances fail to convince Robert DeNiro that you are not looking at him.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    An armed man with cue cards will accompany you all next week, giving you little choice in what to say.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The moon in your sign indicates that you should look out behind you!

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