Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your attempts to smuggle Chinese heroin into post-war Belgium will be foiled when you run afoul of a do-gooder boy reporter and his faithful little white dog.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A little old lady will corner you on the bus and talk about the weather for the rest of her natural life.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your earnest effort to find redemption is spoiled when you realize that you have never done anything wrong.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A quick trip to Sweden enables you to cast aside the worries and frustrations of being a single mother for the romance and excitement of being a single father.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Leo is known as "The Lion." However, by a strange twist of fate, your nerdy seventh-grade algebra teacher was also known as "Leo."
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars indicate that you will soon be involved in a hilariously violent, gag-filled, seven-minute-long "Virgo Season/Duck Season" argument with a bald, mush-mouthed hunter.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After discussing your deteriorating skills, fading youth and spotty hygiene, your once-eager stable of lovers will revoke your License To Thrill.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The heavenly spheres in their wisdom can see your future in great detail. However, for legal and ethical reasons, all they can tell you is that some heavy shit's about to go down.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your attempt to pull off the world's most romantic marriage proposal will be spoiled when the trickster god of African folklore upends a pail of goat's milk on your head.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Repeated assurances fail to convince Robert DeNiro that you are not looking at him.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
An armed man with cue cards will accompany you all next week, giving you little choice in what to say.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The moon in your sign indicates that you should look out behind you!
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