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Horoscope for the week of April 15, 1998

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of April 15, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your attempts to smuggle Chinese heroin into post-war Belgium will be foiled when you run afoul of a do-gooder boy reporter and his faithful little white dog.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A little old lady will corner you on the bus and talk about the weather for the rest of her natural life.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your earnest effort to find redemption is spoiled when you realize that you have never done anything wrong.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A quick trip to Sweden enables you to cast aside the worries and frustrations of being a single mother for the romance and excitement of being a single father.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Leo is known as "The Lion." However, by a strange twist of fate, your nerdy seventh-grade algebra teacher was also known as "Leo."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that you will soon be involved in a hilariously violent, gag-filled, seven-minute-long "Virgo Season/Duck Season" argument with a bald, mush-mouthed hunter.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After discussing your deteriorating skills, fading youth and spotty hygiene, your once-eager stable of lovers will revoke your License To Thrill.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The heavenly spheres in their wisdom can see your future in great detail. However, for legal and ethical reasons, all they can tell you is that some heavy shit's about to go down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your attempt to pull off the world's most romantic marriage proposal will be spoiled when the trickster god of African folklore upends a pail of goat's milk on your head.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Repeated assurances fail to convince Robert DeNiro that you are not looking at him.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    An armed man with cue cards will accompany you all next week, giving you little choice in what to say.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The moon in your sign indicates that you should look out behind you!

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