Horoscope for the week of April 15, 1998

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


Horoscope for the week of April 15, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your attempts to smuggle Chinese heroin into post-war Belgium will be foiled when you run afoul of a do-gooder boy reporter and his faithful little white dog.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A little old lady will corner you on the bus and talk about the weather for the rest of her natural life.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your earnest effort to find redemption is spoiled when you realize that you have never done anything wrong.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A quick trip to Sweden enables you to cast aside the worries and frustrations of being a single mother for the romance and excitement of being a single father.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Leo is known as "The Lion." However, by a strange twist of fate, your nerdy seventh-grade algebra teacher was also known as "Leo."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that you will soon be involved in a hilariously violent, gag-filled, seven-minute-long "Virgo Season/Duck Season" argument with a bald, mush-mouthed hunter.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After discussing your deteriorating skills, fading youth and spotty hygiene, your once-eager stable of lovers will revoke your License To Thrill.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The heavenly spheres in their wisdom can see your future in great detail. However, for legal and ethical reasons, all they can tell you is that some heavy shit's about to go down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your attempt to pull off the world's most romantic marriage proposal will be spoiled when the trickster god of African folklore upends a pail of goat's milk on your head.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Repeated assurances fail to convince Robert DeNiro that you are not looking at him.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    An armed man with cue cards will accompany you all next week, giving you little choice in what to say.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The moon in your sign indicates that you should look out behind you!