adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of April 16, 1997

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of April 16, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will awaken from a heroic drinking binge with a terrific hangover and no memory of how you got back home. Perhaps the bloody infant shoes hanging from your car's rear-view mirror are a clue.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of trying, you finally win the lottery. Prepare to be stoned to death by your neighbors as per tradition.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Getting your nipples pierced will turn out to be a bad idea, as you are a cute balloon animal.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your reputation as a botanist is enhanced when you discover a new species of lichen growing on your teeth.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The feeling that you are disliked grows stronger when you receive a large, window-enveloped letter from Publisher’s Clearing House announcing that you may already be the world’s biggest jackass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A childhood fear becomes a reality when the giant robot from that old Queen album cover tears the roof off your workplace, lifts you in its metallic hand and puts its index finger through your body.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your old sleepwalking problem will come back. However, it will only bother you when you nod off at the wheel.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When you accidentally fall across a table saw while carrying a box of broken glass, be sure to thank God for making you a masochist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Carefully consider all your options before making any decisions this week. Wendy's servers will be happy to give you a sample of each food item before taking your order.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your mother tells you she's tried not to play favorites among her children, but she just can't stand you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A vision of Jesus will appear to you, but He will just point at your new haircut and tremble with laughter.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Veteran actor Brian Dennehy's lawyer will call you this week to inform you that Mr. Dennehy is your new owner.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close