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Horoscope for the week of April 16, 1997

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Horoscope for the week of April 16, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will awaken from a heroic drinking binge with a terrific hangover and no memory of how you got back home. Perhaps the bloody infant shoes hanging from your car's rear-view mirror are a clue.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of trying, you finally win the lottery. Prepare to be stoned to death by your neighbors as per tradition.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Getting your nipples pierced will turn out to be a bad idea, as you are a cute balloon animal.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your reputation as a botanist is enhanced when you discover a new species of lichen growing on your teeth.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The feeling that you are disliked grows stronger when you receive a large, window-enveloped letter from Publisher’s Clearing House announcing that you may already be the world’s biggest jackass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A childhood fear becomes a reality when the giant robot from that old Queen album cover tears the roof off your workplace, lifts you in its metallic hand and puts its index finger through your body.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your old sleepwalking problem will come back. However, it will only bother you when you nod off at the wheel.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When you accidentally fall across a table saw while carrying a box of broken glass, be sure to thank God for making you a masochist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Carefully consider all your options before making any decisions this week. Wendy's servers will be happy to give you a sample of each food item before taking your order.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your mother tells you she's tried not to play favorites among her children, but she just can't stand you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A vision of Jesus will appear to you, but He will just point at your new haircut and tremble with laughter.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Veteran actor Brian Dennehy's lawyer will call you this week to inform you that Mr. Dennehy is your new owner.

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