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Horoscope for the week of April 16, 1997

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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Horoscope for the week of April 16, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will awaken from a heroic drinking binge with a terrific hangover and no memory of how you got back home. Perhaps the bloody infant shoes hanging from your car's rear-view mirror are a clue.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of trying, you finally win the lottery. Prepare to be stoned to death by your neighbors as per tradition.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Getting your nipples pierced will turn out to be a bad idea, as you are a cute balloon animal.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your reputation as a botanist is enhanced when you discover a new species of lichen growing on your teeth.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The feeling that you are disliked grows stronger when you receive a large, window-enveloped letter from Publisher’s Clearing House announcing that you may already be the world’s biggest jackass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A childhood fear becomes a reality when the giant robot from that old Queen album cover tears the roof off your workplace, lifts you in its metallic hand and puts its index finger through your body.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your old sleepwalking problem will come back. However, it will only bother you when you nod off at the wheel.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When you accidentally fall across a table saw while carrying a box of broken glass, be sure to thank God for making you a masochist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Carefully consider all your options before making any decisions this week. Wendy's servers will be happy to give you a sample of each food item before taking your order.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your mother tells you she's tried not to play favorites among her children, but she just can't stand you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A vision of Jesus will appear to you, but He will just point at your new haircut and tremble with laughter.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Veteran actor Brian Dennehy's lawyer will call you this week to inform you that Mr. Dennehy is your new owner.

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