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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Horoscope for the week of April 16, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will awaken from a heroic drinking binge with a terrific hangover and no memory of how you got back home. Perhaps the bloody infant shoes hanging from your car's rear-view mirror are a clue.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of trying, you finally win the lottery. Prepare to be stoned to death by your neighbors as per tradition.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Getting your nipples pierced will turn out to be a bad idea, as you are a cute balloon animal.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your reputation as a botanist is enhanced when you discover a new species of lichen growing on your teeth.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The feeling that you are disliked grows stronger when you receive a large, window-enveloped letter from Publisher’s Clearing House announcing that you may already be the world’s biggest jackass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A childhood fear becomes a reality when the giant robot from that old Queen album cover tears the roof off your workplace, lifts you in its metallic hand and puts its index finger through your body.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your old sleepwalking problem will come back. However, it will only bother you when you nod off at the wheel.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When you accidentally fall across a table saw while carrying a box of broken glass, be sure to thank God for making you a masochist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Carefully consider all your options before making any decisions this week. Wendy's servers will be happy to give you a sample of each food item before taking your order.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your mother tells you she's tried not to play favorites among her children, but she just can't stand you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A vision of Jesus will appear to you, but He will just point at your new haircut and tremble with laughter.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Veteran actor Brian Dennehy's lawyer will call you this week to inform you that Mr. Dennehy is your new owner.
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