Horoscope for the week of April 16, 2003

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 16, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sometimes, you just have to step back, relax, and take a deep breath. However, you might also find it helpful to get some heavy radiation therapy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This is a great time for romance to bloom at workña fact you won't realize until it's no longer a great time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll soon be "downsized," but don't worry: You'll keep your job and instead lose 20 pounds and two feet of height.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will remind many of Abraham Lincoln, with your oratory gifts, dedication to equality, and habit of getting shot in the head at theaters.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be forced to change your hairstyle and gain 165 pounds when John Goodman is chosen to play you in a new movie.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're not the kind of person who lets physical handicaps get in your way, but that's because you're a flesh-eating zombie.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your battle with hair loss intensifies this week when hair loss brings in artillery to support the infantry positions it established near your supply routes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The police will haul you downtown to answer a few questions about where babies come from and if Daddy was hurting Mommy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everybody always speaks admiringly of what a survivor you are, but Thursday's events will make liars of them all.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your bold plan for stimulating small businesses through tax incentives would get more attention if you weren't a drunk living under a bridge.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You are destined to become a major sex symbol, just as soon as societal attitudes toward sex become far less healthy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your natural stubbornness comes in handy when your opponent's arguments turn out to be supported by hard facts and credible evidence.