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Horoscope for the week of April 16, 2003

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of April 16, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sometimes, you just have to step back, relax, and take a deep breath. However, you might also find it helpful to get some heavy radiation therapy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This is a great time for romance to bloom at workña fact you won't realize until it's no longer a great time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll soon be "downsized," but don't worry: You'll keep your job and instead lose 20 pounds and two feet of height.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will remind many of Abraham Lincoln, with your oratory gifts, dedication to equality, and habit of getting shot in the head at theaters.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be forced to change your hairstyle and gain 165 pounds when John Goodman is chosen to play you in a new movie.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're not the kind of person who lets physical handicaps get in your way, but that's because you're a flesh-eating zombie.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your battle with hair loss intensifies this week when hair loss brings in artillery to support the infantry positions it established near your supply routes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The police will haul you downtown to answer a few questions about where babies come from and if Daddy was hurting Mommy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everybody always speaks admiringly of what a survivor you are, but Thursday's events will make liars of them all.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your bold plan for stimulating small businesses through tax incentives would get more attention if you weren't a drunk living under a bridge.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You are destined to become a major sex symbol, just as soon as societal attitudes toward sex become far less healthy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your natural stubbornness comes in handy when your opponent's arguments turn out to be supported by hard facts and credible evidence.

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