Horoscope for the week of April 16, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 14

Fisherman's 4-Year-Old Son Liberates Bait

INTERNATIONAL FALLS, MN—During a fishing trip Monday, Jason Jorgensen, the 4-year-old son of International Falls fisherman Bill Jorgensen, liberated an entire styrofoam container of nightcrawlers, throwing the bait into Rainy Lake. "Run, wormies, run!" said Jorgensen as he gave the former bait its first-ever taste of sweet freedom. "Swim home now!" Informed of the bold act, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals president Ingrid Newkirk praised Jason for releasing the worms from his father's "cruel yoke of tyranny."

Opening Band Issues Two-More-Songs Warning

SAN FRANCISCO—In an announcement that met with sarcastic cheers, Nate Pilson, lead singer of opening act Dickbasket, issued a two-more-songs warning to a crowd waiting to see headline act The Colecovisions. "This next one's gonna be our next-to-last song," said Pilson, 25, prompting widespread stretching and watch-checking among the Bimbo's 365 Club crowd. "It's from our upcoming EP. Hope you like it." Pilson then energetically launched into the song, trying not to notice the throngs of concertgoers streaming toward the bar or resuming the conversations they were having before the warning.

Clinton Emotionally Ready To Start Getting Blow Jobs Again

NEW YORK—Five years after the Monica Lewinsky scandal, former president Bill Clinton announced Tuesday that, at long last, he is emotionally ready to start receiving blow jobs again. "It has been a long, difficult road, but I am finally at a point in my life where I can receive oral sex from a woman again," Clinton told reporters. "After many years of soul-searching and intensive therapy, I am now able to enjoy getting blown without all that painful emotional baggage overshadowing what should be a wonderful experience."

Area Man No Longer Playing Up Resemblance To Kevin Spacey

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Put off by such films as The Life Of David Gale, The Shipping News, and K-PAX, local insurance salesman Brian Vandervelt, 37, is no longer playing up his resemblance to Academy Award-winning actor Kevin Spacey. "From the time of Glengarry Glen Ross up through American Beauty, I was loving all the Spacey comparisons," Vandervelt told reporters Tuesday. "But after four years of smug, self-righteous crap like Pay It Forward, it's a different story." Until Spacey stops playing repellently soulful saviors of humanity, Vandervelt said he will play up his resemblance to a young Bob Newhart.

If I Could Do It All Over Again, I'd Omit The Hard Work

When you get to reach a certain age, you start to take stock of your life. On the whole, I'm pretty happy with the way things have turned out for me. I've got a fantastic wife, two wonderful children, and a successful landscaping business. Yep, all in all, I'd say I've had it pretty good.

Saddam Proud He Still Killed More Iraqi Civilians Than U.S.

BAGHDAD, IRAQ—Reflecting on his time as Iraq's president in a pre-taped television address, Saddam Hussein expressed pride Tuesday that, despite the success of the U.S. invasion and the civilian casualties it has inflicted, he still has killed far more Iraqis than President Bush.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 16, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    Sometimes, you just have to step back, relax, and take a deep breath. However, you might also find it helpful to get some heavy radiation therapy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    This is a great time for romance to bloom at workña fact you won't realize until it's no longer a great time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll soon be "downsized," but don't worry: You'll keep your job and instead lose 20 pounds and two feet of height.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will remind many of Abraham Lincoln, with your oratory gifts, dedication to equality, and habit of getting shot in the head at theaters.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll be forced to change your hairstyle and gain 165 pounds when John Goodman is chosen to play you in a new movie.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You're not the kind of person who lets physical handicaps get in your way, but that's because you're a flesh-eating zombie.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your battle with hair loss intensifies this week when hair loss brings in artillery to support the infantry positions it established near your supply routes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The police will haul you downtown to answer a few questions about where babies come from and if Daddy was hurting Mommy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Everybody always speaks admiringly of what a survivor you are, but Thursday's events will make liars of them all.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your bold plan for stimulating small businesses through tax incentives would get more attention if you weren't a drunk living under a bridge.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You are destined to become a major sex symbol, just as soon as societal attitudes toward sex become far less healthy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your natural stubbornness comes in handy when your opponent's arguments turn out to be supported by hard facts and credible evidence.
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