Horoscope for the week of April 16, 2003

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A Look At The Class Of 2019

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2019, with the majority of students born in the year 1997. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Horoscope for the week of April 16, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sometimes, you just have to step back, relax, and take a deep breath. However, you might also find it helpful to get some heavy radiation therapy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This is a great time for romance to bloom at workña fact you won't realize until it's no longer a great time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll soon be "downsized," but don't worry: You'll keep your job and instead lose 20 pounds and two feet of height.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will remind many of Abraham Lincoln, with your oratory gifts, dedication to equality, and habit of getting shot in the head at theaters.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be forced to change your hairstyle and gain 165 pounds when John Goodman is chosen to play you in a new movie.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're not the kind of person who lets physical handicaps get in your way, but that's because you're a flesh-eating zombie.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your battle with hair loss intensifies this week when hair loss brings in artillery to support the infantry positions it established near your supply routes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The police will haul you downtown to answer a few questions about where babies come from and if Daddy was hurting Mommy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everybody always speaks admiringly of what a survivor you are, but Thursday's events will make liars of them all.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your bold plan for stimulating small businesses through tax incentives would get more attention if you weren't a drunk living under a bridge.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You are destined to become a major sex symbol, just as soon as societal attitudes toward sex become far less healthy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your natural stubbornness comes in handy when your opponent's arguments turn out to be supported by hard facts and credible evidence.