Aries | March 21 to April 19
Sometimes, you just have to step back, relax, and take a deep breath. However, you might also find it helpful to get some heavy radiation therapy.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
This is a great time for romance to bloom at workña fact you won't realize until it's no longer a great time.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll soon be "downsized," but don't worry: You'll keep your job and instead lose 20 pounds and two feet of height.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will remind many of Abraham Lincoln, with your oratory gifts, dedication to equality, and habit of getting shot in the head at theaters.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll be forced to change your hairstyle and gain 165 pounds when John Goodman is chosen to play you in a new movie.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You're not the kind of person who lets physical handicaps get in your way, but that's because you're a flesh-eating zombie.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your battle with hair loss intensifies this week when hair loss brings in artillery to support the infantry positions it established near your supply routes.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The police will haul you downtown to answer a few questions about where babies come from and if Daddy was hurting Mommy.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Everybody always speaks admiringly of what a survivor you are, but Thursday's events will make liars of them all.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your bold plan for stimulating small businesses through tax incentives would get more attention if you weren't a drunk living under a bridge.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You are destined to become a major sex symbol, just as soon as societal attitudes toward sex become far less healthy.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your natural stubbornness comes in handy when your opponent's arguments turn out to be supported by hard facts and credible evidence.
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