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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Horoscope for the week of April 16, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sometimes, you just have to step back, relax, and take a deep breath. However, you might also find it helpful to get some heavy radiation therapy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This is a great time for romance to bloom at workña fact you won't realize until it's no longer a great time.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll soon be "downsized," but don't worry: You'll keep your job and instead lose 20 pounds and two feet of height.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will remind many of Abraham Lincoln, with your oratory gifts, dedication to equality, and habit of getting shot in the head at theaters.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be forced to change your hairstyle and gain 165 pounds when John Goodman is chosen to play you in a new movie.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're not the kind of person who lets physical handicaps get in your way, but that's because you're a flesh-eating zombie.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your battle with hair loss intensifies this week when hair loss brings in artillery to support the infantry positions it established near your supply routes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The police will haul you downtown to answer a few questions about where babies come from and if Daddy was hurting Mommy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everybody always speaks admiringly of what a survivor you are, but Thursday's events will make liars of them all.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your bold plan for stimulating small businesses through tax incentives would get more attention if you weren't a drunk living under a bridge.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You are destined to become a major sex symbol, just as soon as societal attitudes toward sex become far less healthy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your natural stubbornness comes in handy when your opponent's arguments turn out to be supported by hard facts and credible evidence.

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