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Horoscope for the week of April 17, 2002

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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of April 17, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Give yourself a well-deserved treat by mixing incompatible drugs and having an ill-advised sexual encounter. You owe it to yourself for the week you're about to have.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon learn the subtle value of silence in those who disapprove of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars indicate that you've been looking good lately. Also, they need to borrow $20.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Next week, you will learn the hard way just how important it is to pay attention to the fine print noting that the stunt is being performed by professional drivers on a closed course.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll feel strangely unflattered by a celebrity comparison when you're described as looking like the crate they shipped Star Jones in.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    When they announce the pregnancy of the Washington Zoo's panda next week, just sit back and smile knowingly.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your first impression will be that you were so drunk you married the bearded lady, but moments later, you'll realize you made a mistake about the gender.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're getting to the point where you'd kill for a cigarette, despite never having smoked in your life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Early reviews will refer to you as "smart, sassy, sexy, and full of non-stop Broadway razzle-dazzle."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'd have had a much better chance of acquittal if one of the witnesses against you hadn't been an Osmond.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've joked about being a snacking machine, but you had no idea that you were specifically constructed by the Nabisco Corporation for its own dark product-consumptionpurposes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A time-travel accident transports you to an era when you are irresistible to the unwashed, plague-ridden, lesion-faced opposite sex.

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