Horoscope for the week of April 17, 2002

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Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Horoscope for the week of April 17, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Give yourself a well-deserved treat by mixing incompatible drugs and having an ill-advised sexual encounter. You owe it to yourself for the week you're about to have.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon learn the subtle value of silence in those who disapprove of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars indicate that you've been looking good lately. Also, they need to borrow $20.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Next week, you will learn the hard way just how important it is to pay attention to the fine print noting that the stunt is being performed by professional drivers on a closed course.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll feel strangely unflattered by a celebrity comparison when you're described as looking like the crate they shipped Star Jones in.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    When they announce the pregnancy of the Washington Zoo's panda next week, just sit back and smile knowingly.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your first impression will be that you were so drunk you married the bearded lady, but moments later, you'll realize you made a mistake about the gender.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're getting to the point where you'd kill for a cigarette, despite never having smoked in your life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Early reviews will refer to you as "smart, sassy, sexy, and full of non-stop Broadway razzle-dazzle."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'd have had a much better chance of acquittal if one of the witnesses against you hadn't been an Osmond.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've joked about being a snacking machine, but you had no idea that you were specifically constructed by the Nabisco Corporation for its own dark product-consumptionpurposes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A time-travel accident transports you to an era when you are irresistible to the unwashed, plague-ridden, lesion-faced opposite sex.