Horoscope for the week of April 17, 2002

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Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.

Horoscope for the week of April 17, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Give yourself a well-deserved treat by mixing incompatible drugs and having an ill-advised sexual encounter. You owe it to yourself for the week you're about to have.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon learn the subtle value of silence in those who disapprove of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars indicate that you've been looking good lately. Also, they need to borrow $20.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Next week, you will learn the hard way just how important it is to pay attention to the fine print noting that the stunt is being performed by professional drivers on a closed course.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll feel strangely unflattered by a celebrity comparison when you're described as looking like the crate they shipped Star Jones in.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    When they announce the pregnancy of the Washington Zoo's panda next week, just sit back and smile knowingly.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your first impression will be that you were so drunk you married the bearded lady, but moments later, you'll realize you made a mistake about the gender.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're getting to the point where you'd kill for a cigarette, despite never having smoked in your life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Early reviews will refer to you as "smart, sassy, sexy, and full of non-stop Broadway razzle-dazzle."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'd have had a much better chance of acquittal if one of the witnesses against you hadn't been an Osmond.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've joked about being a snacking machine, but you had no idea that you were specifically constructed by the Nabisco Corporation for its own dark product-consumptionpurposes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A time-travel accident transports you to an era when you are irresistible to the unwashed, plague-ridden, lesion-faced opposite sex.