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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of April 17, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Give yourself a well-deserved treat by mixing incompatible drugs and having an ill-advised sexual encounter. You owe it to yourself for the week you're about to have.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon learn the subtle value of silence in those who disapprove of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars indicate that you've been looking good lately. Also, they need to borrow $20.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Next week, you will learn the hard way just how important it is to pay attention to the fine print noting that the stunt is being performed by professional drivers on a closed course.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll feel strangely unflattered by a celebrity comparison when you're described as looking like the crate they shipped Star Jones in.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    When they announce the pregnancy of the Washington Zoo's panda next week, just sit back and smile knowingly.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your first impression will be that you were so drunk you married the bearded lady, but moments later, you'll realize you made a mistake about the gender.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're getting to the point where you'd kill for a cigarette, despite never having smoked in your life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Early reviews will refer to you as "smart, sassy, sexy, and full of non-stop Broadway razzle-dazzle."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'd have had a much better chance of acquittal if one of the witnesses against you hadn't been an Osmond.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've joked about being a snacking machine, but you had no idea that you were specifically constructed by the Nabisco Corporation for its own dark product-consumptionpurposes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A time-travel accident transports you to an era when you are irresistible to the unwashed, plague-ridden, lesion-faced opposite sex.

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