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Horoscope for the week of April 17, 2002

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 17, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Give yourself a well-deserved treat by mixing incompatible drugs and having an ill-advised sexual encounter. You owe it to yourself for the week you're about to have.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon learn the subtle value of silence in those who disapprove of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars indicate that you've been looking good lately. Also, they need to borrow $20.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Next week, you will learn the hard way just how important it is to pay attention to the fine print noting that the stunt is being performed by professional drivers on a closed course.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll feel strangely unflattered by a celebrity comparison when you're described as looking like the crate they shipped Star Jones in.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    When they announce the pregnancy of the Washington Zoo's panda next week, just sit back and smile knowingly.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your first impression will be that you were so drunk you married the bearded lady, but moments later, you'll realize you made a mistake about the gender.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're getting to the point where you'd kill for a cigarette, despite never having smoked in your life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Early reviews will refer to you as "smart, sassy, sexy, and full of non-stop Broadway razzle-dazzle."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'd have had a much better chance of acquittal if one of the witnesses against you hadn't been an Osmond.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've joked about being a snacking machine, but you had no idea that you were specifically constructed by the Nabisco Corporation for its own dark product-consumptionpurposes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A time-travel accident transports you to an era when you are irresistible to the unwashed, plague-ridden, lesion-faced opposite sex.

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