Horoscope for the week of April 18, 2001

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 18, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars indicate that you will meet an attractive Aries the next time you look in the mirror. Sometimes, those stars are just a little too precious.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There are certain species of bear which mind their own business and don't attack or eat humans. You will not meet any such bears this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will fall prey to a strange sexual condition which leaves you unable to achieve orgasm unless certain nerves are repeatedly stimulated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Venus ascending in your sign may sound sexy, but it's really just a function of its orbit. So don't get all excited.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though your sign has always been known as The Lion, your tireless work has changed it to The Mattress King.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Let's do Virgo! Virgo, Virgo, bo birgo, banana fanna, fo firgo, fee fi mo mirgoñ Vir-go!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be unable to stop yourself from falling unconscious for seven hours at a time this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's time to put some spice back into your relationship. The stars suggest you might consider having sex once in a while.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After years of trying, you are finally able to quit drinking next Monday, only to die several days later of advanced dehydration.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will achieve a modicum of fame as a supermodel for the unspeakably ugly plus-sized woman.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your life will be thrown into disarray when you find yourself loving an epic science-fiction film that you know in your heart was really bad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The biggest mistake of your life was asking the exact wrong people to write your letter of recommendation.