Horoscope for the week of April 18, 2001

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NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Horoscope for the week of April 18, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars indicate that you will meet an attractive Aries the next time you look in the mirror. Sometimes, those stars are just a little too precious.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There are certain species of bear which mind their own business and don't attack or eat humans. You will not meet any such bears this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will fall prey to a strange sexual condition which leaves you unable to achieve orgasm unless certain nerves are repeatedly stimulated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Venus ascending in your sign may sound sexy, but it's really just a function of its orbit. So don't get all excited.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though your sign has always been known as The Lion, your tireless work has changed it to The Mattress King.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Let's do Virgo! Virgo, Virgo, bo birgo, banana fanna, fo firgo, fee fi mo mirgoñ Vir-go!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be unable to stop yourself from falling unconscious for seven hours at a time this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's time to put some spice back into your relationship. The stars suggest you might consider having sex once in a while.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After years of trying, you are finally able to quit drinking next Monday, only to die several days later of advanced dehydration.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will achieve a modicum of fame as a supermodel for the unspeakably ugly plus-sized woman.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your life will be thrown into disarray when you find yourself loving an epic science-fiction film that you know in your heart was really bad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The biggest mistake of your life was asking the exact wrong people to write your letter of recommendation.