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Horoscope for the week of April 18, 2001

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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of April 18, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars indicate that you will meet an attractive Aries the next time you look in the mirror. Sometimes, those stars are just a little too precious.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There are certain species of bear which mind their own business and don't attack or eat humans. You will not meet any such bears this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will fall prey to a strange sexual condition which leaves you unable to achieve orgasm unless certain nerves are repeatedly stimulated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Venus ascending in your sign may sound sexy, but it's really just a function of its orbit. So don't get all excited.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though your sign has always been known as The Lion, your tireless work has changed it to The Mattress King.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Let's do Virgo! Virgo, Virgo, bo birgo, banana fanna, fo firgo, fee fi mo mirgoñ Vir-go!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be unable to stop yourself from falling unconscious for seven hours at a time this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's time to put some spice back into your relationship. The stars suggest you might consider having sex once in a while.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After years of trying, you are finally able to quit drinking next Monday, only to die several days later of advanced dehydration.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will achieve a modicum of fame as a supermodel for the unspeakably ugly plus-sized woman.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your life will be thrown into disarray when you find yourself loving an epic science-fiction film that you know in your heart was really bad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The biggest mistake of your life was asking the exact wrong people to write your letter of recommendation.

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