Aries | March 21 to April 19
The stars indicate that you will meet an attractive Aries the next time you look in the mirror. Sometimes, those stars are just a little too precious.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
There are certain species of bear which mind their own business and don't attack or eat humans. You will not meet any such bears this week.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will fall prey to a strange sexual condition which leaves you unable to achieve orgasm unless certain nerves are repeatedly stimulated.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus ascending in your sign may sound sexy, but it's really just a function of its orbit. So don't get all excited.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Though your sign has always been known as The Lion, your tireless work has changed it to The Mattress King.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Let's do Virgo! Virgo, Virgo, bo birgo, banana fanna, fo firgo, fee fi mo mirgoñ Vir-go!
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be unable to stop yourself from falling unconscious for seven hours at a time this week.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It's time to put some spice back into your relationship. The stars suggest you might consider having sex once in a while.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
After years of trying, you are finally able to quit drinking next Monday, only to die several days later of advanced dehydration.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will achieve a modicum of fame as a supermodel for the unspeakably ugly plus-sized woman.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your life will be thrown into disarray when you find yourself loving an epic science-fiction film that you know in your heart was really bad.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The biggest mistake of your life was asking the exact wrong people to write your letter of recommendation.
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