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Horoscope for the week of April 18, 2001

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 18, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars indicate that you will meet an attractive Aries the next time you look in the mirror. Sometimes, those stars are just a little too precious.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There are certain species of bear which mind their own business and don't attack or eat humans. You will not meet any such bears this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will fall prey to a strange sexual condition which leaves you unable to achieve orgasm unless certain nerves are repeatedly stimulated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Venus ascending in your sign may sound sexy, but it's really just a function of its orbit. So don't get all excited.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though your sign has always been known as The Lion, your tireless work has changed it to The Mattress King.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Let's do Virgo! Virgo, Virgo, bo birgo, banana fanna, fo firgo, fee fi mo mirgoñ Vir-go!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be unable to stop yourself from falling unconscious for seven hours at a time this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's time to put some spice back into your relationship. The stars suggest you might consider having sex once in a while.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After years of trying, you are finally able to quit drinking next Monday, only to die several days later of advanced dehydration.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will achieve a modicum of fame as a supermodel for the unspeakably ugly plus-sized woman.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your life will be thrown into disarray when you find yourself loving an epic science-fiction film that you know in your heart was really bad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The biggest mistake of your life was asking the exact wrong people to write your letter of recommendation.

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