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Horoscope for the week of April 19, 2000

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of April 19, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you insist you can stop drinking whenever you want, the truth is, you can't seem to function without five or six pints of water a day.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This is a good week for you to start new projectsñespecially those that involve taking a few dozen inches off your disgusting thighs, for Christ's sake.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A sudden outpouring of love and support from your family will embarrass the hell out of you in front of everyone.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If stress overwhelms you this week, remember: Relax, take a deep breath, and put the pistol in your mouth, not against your temple.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you once thought it was merely a figure of speech, you will have a smirk slapped right off your face.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your plan to rob Fort Knox with a ragtag bunch of old Army buddies will go off without a hitch, leaving you plagued with feelings of guilt.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though it's been more than three weeks now, you still don't have the heart to ask Ray Walston to leave your house.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your claim that you'll never sell out will be put to the test when you find out how much the labs are paying for a quart of plasma.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will meet a dark stranger this week. Please note that "dark" has at least seven different definitions which might apply in this case.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your making certain not to let your left hand know what the right is doing is negated by the fact that you cannot find your ass with either one.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's time to assert yourself at work. Stop asking the office "grown-ups" for drinks of water.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your headaches will soon go away, along with all other nerve activity.

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