Horoscope for the week of April 19, 2000

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 19, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you insist you can stop drinking whenever you want, the truth is, you can't seem to function without five or six pints of water a day.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This is a good week for you to start new projectsñespecially those that involve taking a few dozen inches off your disgusting thighs, for Christ's sake.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A sudden outpouring of love and support from your family will embarrass the hell out of you in front of everyone.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If stress overwhelms you this week, remember: Relax, take a deep breath, and put the pistol in your mouth, not against your temple.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you once thought it was merely a figure of speech, you will have a smirk slapped right off your face.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your plan to rob Fort Knox with a ragtag bunch of old Army buddies will go off without a hitch, leaving you plagued with feelings of guilt.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though it's been more than three weeks now, you still don't have the heart to ask Ray Walston to leave your house.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your claim that you'll never sell out will be put to the test when you find out how much the labs are paying for a quart of plasma.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will meet a dark stranger this week. Please note that "dark" has at least seven different definitions which might apply in this case.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your making certain not to let your left hand know what the right is doing is negated by the fact that you cannot find your ass with either one.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's time to assert yourself at work. Stop asking the office "grown-ups" for drinks of water.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your headaches will soon go away, along with all other nerve activity.