Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your love of goulash will become so strong that it warps time and space, projecting you into an alternate dimension in which Hungary won the war.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your toe fetish catapults you to international celebrity when, during your tour of the Vatican, you are unable to resist kissing the Pope's feet.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be rewarded in the afterlife for a lifetime of good deeds by being allowed to live out the entire Porky's trilogy.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Superstar Rick Moranis will call you at all hours of the night to ask what you're wearing.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The frustration of working at an awful night-shift job will become unbearable when you realize your co-workers actually enjoy grave robbery.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A fun field trip turns into mild disappointment went you discover that "Jiffy Lube" is not quite the place its name seems to imply.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will finally land your dream job as the lovable, huggable costumed mascot of Happy Heroinland.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your life and habits are held up to intense scrutiny when Ken Burns' new documentary, The Scorpios, is aired on PBS.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Though you have been an asset to your company for over 25 years, you will finally be fired for your habit of defecating in the office water cooler.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your physical and mental health will be permanently ruined when computers take over the planet and decide to "log on" to you for a change.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your sense of duty will be shattered forever when the other firemen spike your coffee with a high-powered aphrodisiac and lock you in the broom closet with the dalmatian.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your utter imbecility will become even harder to bear when your parents reveal that you're adopted and, therefore, not as inbred as you once believed.
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