Horoscope for the week of April 2, 1997

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

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Horoscope for the week of April 2, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your love of goulash will become so strong that it warps time and space, projecting you into an alternate dimension in which Hungary won the war.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your toe fetish catapults you to international celebrity when, during your tour of the Vatican, you are unable to resist kissing the Pope's feet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be rewarded in the afterlife for a lifetime of good deeds by being allowed to live out the entire Porky's trilogy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Superstar Rick Moranis will call you at all hours of the night to ask what you're wearing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The frustration of working at an awful night-shift job will become unbearable when you realize your co-workers actually enjoy grave robbery.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A fun field trip turns into mild disappointment went you discover that "Jiffy Lube" is not quite the place its name seems to imply.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will finally land your dream job as the lovable, huggable costumed mascot of Happy Heroinland.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life and habits are held up to intense scrutiny when Ken Burns' new documentary, The Scorpios, is aired on PBS.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though you have been an asset to your company for over 25 years, you will finally be fired for your habit of defecating in the office water cooler.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your physical and mental health will be permanently ruined when computers take over the planet and decide to "log on" to you for a change.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your sense of duty will be shattered forever when the other firemen spike your coffee with a high-powered aphrodisiac and lock you in the broom closet with the dalmatian.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your utter imbecility will become even harder to bear when your parents reveal that you're adopted and, therefore, not as inbred as you once believed.