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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Horoscope for the week of April 2, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your love of goulash will become so strong that it warps time and space, projecting you into an alternate dimension in which Hungary won the war.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your toe fetish catapults you to international celebrity when, during your tour of the Vatican, you are unable to resist kissing the Pope's feet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be rewarded in the afterlife for a lifetime of good deeds by being allowed to live out the entire Porky's trilogy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Superstar Rick Moranis will call you at all hours of the night to ask what you're wearing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The frustration of working at an awful night-shift job will become unbearable when you realize your co-workers actually enjoy grave robbery.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A fun field trip turns into mild disappointment went you discover that "Jiffy Lube" is not quite the place its name seems to imply.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will finally land your dream job as the lovable, huggable costumed mascot of Happy Heroinland.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life and habits are held up to intense scrutiny when Ken Burns' new documentary, The Scorpios, is aired on PBS.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though you have been an asset to your company for over 25 years, you will finally be fired for your habit of defecating in the office water cooler.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your physical and mental health will be permanently ruined when computers take over the planet and decide to "log on" to you for a change.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your sense of duty will be shattered forever when the other firemen spike your coffee with a high-powered aphrodisiac and lock you in the broom closet with the dalmatian.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your utter imbecility will become even harder to bear when your parents reveal that you're adopted and, therefore, not as inbred as you once believed.

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