Horoscope for the week of April 2, 1997

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Vol 31 Issue 12

Local Man Helped Every Day By Salad Shooter

CINCINNATI—A Presto Appliance advertising slogan was proven accurate Tuesday, when local resident Larry McCue announced that he is helped every day by the Presto Salad Shooter. "The Salad Shooter helps me every day," McCue said. "Whether I am shredding whole potatoes into hash browns at breakfast time, or preparing healthful salads and other entrees later in the day, no day goes by without help from my Salad Shooter." In addition to the culinary assistance provided by the appliance, McCue said that on one occasion he knocked an intruder unconscious with the compact, easy-to-clean appliance. Presto officials stressed that the Salad Shooter is not meant for use as a blunt weapon.

Clinton's Lower Lip 'Very Concerned' About Albanian Crisis

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move expected to cause a slight jutting of his lower jaw region, it was announced Monday that President Clinton's lower lip is "very concerned" about the ongoing civil unrest in Albania. A spokesperson for the president's lower lip told reporters that it would be "protruding outward with care, yet sliding slightly upward in a show of caution and prudence." It remains unclear whether this move will obscure the mucous membrane of his upper lip. "Clinton's lower lip is very aware that, considering the seriousness of the Albanian situation, complete upper-lip coverage is a possibility, but it is not making any decision at this time," the spokesperson said. Many insiders predict that Clinton's brow may also furrow slightly.

Creative Alcoholic Comes Up With Idea To Drink A Lot

GALVESTON, TX—Area alcoholic Joe Roush unveiled Monday a bold, counterintuitive plan for this weekend: to become intoxicated by the alcohol his body desperately craves. "After much rumination, I have brainstormed a plan to become thoroughly drunk through the consumption of beer and hard liquor," Roush said. "I created this plan myself, though playwright Brendan Behan was a source of inspiration." Key to Roush's plan will be switching from beer to scotch at around midnight.

Israel Agrees To Creation Of Palestinian Homeroom

WEST BANK—In a historic breakthrough in the struggle for peace in the Middle East, Israeli and PLO leaders settled on a large ground-floor room in a West Bank office building to be used as a Palestinian homeroom. "Finally, we, the people of Palestine, have a room to call our own, a place where we can go at the beginning of each day to take attendance and listen to announcements," PLO leader Yasser Arafat said. The PLO held out until the 11th hour of negotiations, insisting that all Palestinians be permitted to talk quietly in their new homeroom.

You're Doomed!

Several nights ago I couldn't sleep a wink due to an ongoing bout of the ague. Restless, I barked at my nurse to open the window so that some fresh air could clear the fetid odor of my bedchamber. As she drew the curtain, she revealed a sight that sent stark terror down my aged and malformed spine. A comet! The hairy-star of lore, the legendary harbinger of doom and portent of evil!
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Horoscope for the week of April 2, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your love of goulash will become so strong that it warps time and space, projecting you into an alternate dimension in which Hungary won the war.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your toe fetish catapults you to international celebrity when, during your tour of the Vatican, you are unable to resist kissing the Pope's feet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will be rewarded in the afterlife for a lifetime of good deeds by being allowed to live out the entire Porky's trilogy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Superstar Rick Moranis will call you at all hours of the night to ask what you're wearing.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The frustration of working at an awful night-shift job will become unbearable when you realize your co-workers actually enjoy grave robbery.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    A fun field trip turns into mild disappointment went you discover that "Jiffy Lube" is not quite the place its name seems to imply.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will finally land your dream job as the lovable, huggable costumed mascot of Happy Heroinland.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your life and habits are held up to intense scrutiny when Ken Burns' new documentary, The Scorpios, is aired on PBS.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Though you have been an asset to your company for over 25 years, you will finally be fired for your habit of defecating in the office water cooler.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your physical and mental health will be permanently ruined when computers take over the planet and decide to "log on" to you for a change.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your sense of duty will be shattered forever when the other firemen spike your coffee with a high-powered aphrodisiac and lock you in the broom closet with the dalmatian.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your utter imbecility will become even harder to bear when your parents reveal that you're adopted and, therefore, not as inbred as you once believed.
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