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Horoscope for the week of April 2, 1997

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
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Horoscope for the week of April 2, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your love of goulash will become so strong that it warps time and space, projecting you into an alternate dimension in which Hungary won the war.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your toe fetish catapults you to international celebrity when, during your tour of the Vatican, you are unable to resist kissing the Pope's feet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be rewarded in the afterlife for a lifetime of good deeds by being allowed to live out the entire Porky's trilogy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Superstar Rick Moranis will call you at all hours of the night to ask what you're wearing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The frustration of working at an awful night-shift job will become unbearable when you realize your co-workers actually enjoy grave robbery.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A fun field trip turns into mild disappointment went you discover that "Jiffy Lube" is not quite the place its name seems to imply.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will finally land your dream job as the lovable, huggable costumed mascot of Happy Heroinland.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life and habits are held up to intense scrutiny when Ken Burns' new documentary, The Scorpios, is aired on PBS.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though you have been an asset to your company for over 25 years, you will finally be fired for your habit of defecating in the office water cooler.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your physical and mental health will be permanently ruined when computers take over the planet and decide to "log on" to you for a change.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your sense of duty will be shattered forever when the other firemen spike your coffee with a high-powered aphrodisiac and lock you in the broom closet with the dalmatian.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your utter imbecility will become even harder to bear when your parents reveal that you're adopted and, therefore, not as inbred as you once believed.

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