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Horoscope for the week of April 20, 2005

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of April 20, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When choosing a pet this week, make sure it's one your friends approve of, as it'll outlive you by at least a dozen years.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll enter into local-legend status this week when, wandering on an important personal quest, you become the Flying Dutchman of your local big-box stores.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll enter the record books in style, better than tripling Roy Sullivan's old mark of being struck by lightning an amazing seven times.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Although circumstances will force you to take a menial job requiring a nametag, it will not lead to anyone knowing your name.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Although you've always worried about dying alone and unloved, you can put your mind at ease: A tragic mix-up at the pheromone lab will lead to your being loved to death by nine separate species.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars would love to take credit for guiding you to your fated destiny, but Occam's Razor and plain common sense point toward your turning into a colossal asshole.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There are many possible fates in store for you this week, but they all seem to involve you standing rain-drenched and shoeless at the side of a major interstate highway, cursing single men everywhere.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon come to symbolize the world's increasingly cold and callous nature when your death is used to demonstrate the impact-resistant grill of the new Ford 500 sedan.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You never wondered what would happen if all those big glass skyscraper windows fell to the sidewalk at once, but you'll soon be able to satisfy the curiosity of those who have.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    To your vast surprise and that of marine biologists worldwide, you'll discover that you play a vital role in the 30-year mating cycle of the limpet shark.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There is no medical proof that chemical castration helps to prevent serial double-parking, but where you're concerned, the traffic court isn't taking any chances.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There will be little change in your uneventful life this week, which is too bad considering you've been hanging from those manacles for a couple decades now.

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