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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Horoscope for the week of April 20, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When choosing a pet this week, make sure it's one your friends approve of, as it'll outlive you by at least a dozen years.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll enter into local-legend status this week when, wandering on an important personal quest, you become the Flying Dutchman of your local big-box stores.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll enter the record books in style, better than tripling Roy Sullivan's old mark of being struck by lightning an amazing seven times.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Although circumstances will force you to take a menial job requiring a nametag, it will not lead to anyone knowing your name.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Although you've always worried about dying alone and unloved, you can put your mind at ease: A tragic mix-up at the pheromone lab will lead to your being loved to death by nine separate species.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars would love to take credit for guiding you to your fated destiny, but Occam's Razor and plain common sense point toward your turning into a colossal asshole.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There are many possible fates in store for you this week, but they all seem to involve you standing rain-drenched and shoeless at the side of a major interstate highway, cursing single men everywhere.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon come to symbolize the world's increasingly cold and callous nature when your death is used to demonstrate the impact-resistant grill of the new Ford 500 sedan.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You never wondered what would happen if all those big glass skyscraper windows fell to the sidewalk at once, but you'll soon be able to satisfy the curiosity of those who have.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    To your vast surprise and that of marine biologists worldwide, you'll discover that you play a vital role in the 30-year mating cycle of the limpet shark.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There is no medical proof that chemical castration helps to prevent serial double-parking, but where you're concerned, the traffic court isn't taking any chances.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There will be little change in your uneventful life this week, which is too bad considering you've been hanging from those manacles for a couple decades now.

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