Horoscope for the week of April 20, 2005

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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 20, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When choosing a pet this week, make sure it's one your friends approve of, as it'll outlive you by at least a dozen years.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll enter into local-legend status this week when, wandering on an important personal quest, you become the Flying Dutchman of your local big-box stores.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll enter the record books in style, better than tripling Roy Sullivan's old mark of being struck by lightning an amazing seven times.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Although circumstances will force you to take a menial job requiring a nametag, it will not lead to anyone knowing your name.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Although you've always worried about dying alone and unloved, you can put your mind at ease: A tragic mix-up at the pheromone lab will lead to your being loved to death by nine separate species.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars would love to take credit for guiding you to your fated destiny, but Occam's Razor and plain common sense point toward your turning into a colossal asshole.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There are many possible fates in store for you this week, but they all seem to involve you standing rain-drenched and shoeless at the side of a major interstate highway, cursing single men everywhere.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon come to symbolize the world's increasingly cold and callous nature when your death is used to demonstrate the impact-resistant grill of the new Ford 500 sedan.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You never wondered what would happen if all those big glass skyscraper windows fell to the sidewalk at once, but you'll soon be able to satisfy the curiosity of those who have.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    To your vast surprise and that of marine biologists worldwide, you'll discover that you play a vital role in the 30-year mating cycle of the limpet shark.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There is no medical proof that chemical castration helps to prevent serial double-parking, but where you're concerned, the traffic court isn't taking any chances.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There will be little change in your uneventful life this week, which is too bad considering you've been hanging from those manacles for a couple decades now.
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