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Horoscope for the week of April 21, 1999

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The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of April 21, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stop yourself from gaining weight: Wrap your midriff in aluminum foil to block the CIA’s orbital stomach-control lasers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite your efforts to be a romantic hero, you will gradually evolve into a postmodern plot device.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've delivered babies, changed their diapers and taught them to walk, but soon you will finally run up against a task you can’t accomplish with your trusty chainsaw.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will learn through bitter experience why there’s no "Pizza Deliv'ryman’s Tale" in The Canterbury Tales.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Leos are known for their intelligent, compassionate nature, except you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your pathological need to be the center of attention leads you to become one of Schaumburg's most beloved television personalities.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you've tried to be a decent person, there is no way in hell you deserve a man like Brian.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon meet an attractive uniformed man, but beware: He can and will use anything you say against you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Jupiter, Lord Of The Universe, has taken pity on you and will soon place you in the heavens as the constellation Keith, The Drunk Guy Who Hath No Pants.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Face it: Though you often have to go outside in order to change your mind, it has nothing to do with the size of your apartment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're not the kind of person who minds a little hard work, which is fortunate considering the next 60 years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars will give you 50 bucks if you shave off your boss' moustache while he’s asleep.

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