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Horoscope for the week of April 21, 1999

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of April 21, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stop yourself from gaining weight: Wrap your midriff in aluminum foil to block the CIA’s orbital stomach-control lasers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite your efforts to be a romantic hero, you will gradually evolve into a postmodern plot device.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've delivered babies, changed their diapers and taught them to walk, but soon you will finally run up against a task you can’t accomplish with your trusty chainsaw.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will learn through bitter experience why there’s no "Pizza Deliv'ryman’s Tale" in The Canterbury Tales.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Leos are known for their intelligent, compassionate nature, except you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your pathological need to be the center of attention leads you to become one of Schaumburg's most beloved television personalities.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you've tried to be a decent person, there is no way in hell you deserve a man like Brian.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon meet an attractive uniformed man, but beware: He can and will use anything you say against you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Jupiter, Lord Of The Universe, has taken pity on you and will soon place you in the heavens as the constellation Keith, The Drunk Guy Who Hath No Pants.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Face it: Though you often have to go outside in order to change your mind, it has nothing to do with the size of your apartment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're not the kind of person who minds a little hard work, which is fortunate considering the next 60 years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars will give you 50 bucks if you shave off your boss' moustache while he’s asleep.

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