Horoscope for the week of April 21, 1999

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 21, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stop yourself from gaining weight: Wrap your midriff in aluminum foil to block the CIA’s orbital stomach-control lasers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite your efforts to be a romantic hero, you will gradually evolve into a postmodern plot device.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've delivered babies, changed their diapers and taught them to walk, but soon you will finally run up against a task you can’t accomplish with your trusty chainsaw.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will learn through bitter experience why there’s no "Pizza Deliv'ryman’s Tale" in The Canterbury Tales.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Leos are known for their intelligent, compassionate nature, except you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your pathological need to be the center of attention leads you to become one of Schaumburg's most beloved television personalities.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you've tried to be a decent person, there is no way in hell you deserve a man like Brian.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon meet an attractive uniformed man, but beware: He can and will use anything you say against you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Jupiter, Lord Of The Universe, has taken pity on you and will soon place you in the heavens as the constellation Keith, The Drunk Guy Who Hath No Pants.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Face it: Though you often have to go outside in order to change your mind, it has nothing to do with the size of your apartment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're not the kind of person who minds a little hard work, which is fortunate considering the next 60 years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars will give you 50 bucks if you shave off your boss' moustache while he’s asleep.