Horoscope for the week of April 21, 1999

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 21, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stop yourself from gaining weight: Wrap your midriff in aluminum foil to block the CIA’s orbital stomach-control lasers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite your efforts to be a romantic hero, you will gradually evolve into a postmodern plot device.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've delivered babies, changed their diapers and taught them to walk, but soon you will finally run up against a task you can’t accomplish with your trusty chainsaw.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will learn through bitter experience why there’s no "Pizza Deliv'ryman’s Tale" in The Canterbury Tales.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Leos are known for their intelligent, compassionate nature, except you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your pathological need to be the center of attention leads you to become one of Schaumburg's most beloved television personalities.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you've tried to be a decent person, there is no way in hell you deserve a man like Brian.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon meet an attractive uniformed man, but beware: He can and will use anything you say against you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Jupiter, Lord Of The Universe, has taken pity on you and will soon place you in the heavens as the constellation Keith, The Drunk Guy Who Hath No Pants.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Face it: Though you often have to go outside in order to change your mind, it has nothing to do with the size of your apartment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're not the kind of person who minds a little hard work, which is fortunate considering the next 60 years.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars will give you 50 bucks if you shave off your boss' moustache while he’s asleep.