Aries | March 21 to April 19
Stop yourself from gaining weight: Wrap your midriff in aluminum foil to block the CIA’s orbital stomach-control lasers.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Despite your efforts to be a romantic hero, you will gradually evolve into a postmodern plot device.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've delivered babies, changed their diapers and taught them to walk, but soon you will finally run up against a task you can’t accomplish with your trusty chainsaw.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will learn through bitter experience why there’s no "Pizza Deliv'ryman’s Tale" in The Canterbury Tales.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Leos are known for their intelligent, compassionate nature, except you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your pathological need to be the center of attention leads you to become one of Schaumburg's most beloved television personalities.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Though you've tried to be a decent person, there is no way in hell you deserve a man like Brian.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will soon meet an attractive uniformed man, but beware: He can and will use anything you say against you.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Jupiter, Lord Of The Universe, has taken pity on you and will soon place you in the heavens as the constellation Keith, The Drunk Guy Who Hath No Pants.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Face it: Though you often have to go outside in order to change your mind, it has nothing to do with the size of your apartment.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You're not the kind of person who minds a little hard work, which is fortunate considering the next 60 years.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars will give you 50 bucks if you shave off your boss' moustache while he’s asleep.
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