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Horoscope for the week of April 21, 2004

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Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

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Horoscope for the week of April 21, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When people think of all the ways picnics are ruined, it's rare that they come up with even half of the weird shit you've pulled.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There comes a time in all of our lives when we're forced to admit that we need help, though it's not usually with getting a piano off our chests.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    By this time next week, you'll be a living example of what it's like to get blued, screwed, and tattooed.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's actually pretty well known that the "S" in Harry S Truman didn't stand for anything. You'll have to impress girls some other way.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your politics are tough, but fair. When you say "Put 'em all in camps," you do mean everybody.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The typical Virgo is helpful to a fault, trusting in matters of love, and outgoing. That said, you probably got your powerful thirst for gin from your father.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've built a reputation as someone not to fuck with, which is unfortunate, as you would really like some fucking.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Buddha says that, while he may show you the way, only you can truly save yourself, proving once and for all that he's a lazy, fat bastard.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You haven't seen a lot of coroner's reports, but you're pretty sure yours shouldn't end with the phrase "right in the goddamn nuts!!!"
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Making the mature decision to throw out your beer-can collection will offer an added bonus when you find out that some of the cans still have beer in them.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The government has spent thousands of dollars training you to be a highly efficient killing machine, so please try and act like one from now on.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'd be a much more trusted and respected member of the community if you would just take your hand out of your pants every now and then.

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