Horoscope for the week of April 21, 2004

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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of April 21, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When people think of all the ways picnics are ruined, it's rare that they come up with even half of the weird shit you've pulled.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There comes a time in all of our lives when we're forced to admit that we need help, though it's not usually with getting a piano off our chests.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    By this time next week, you'll be a living example of what it's like to get blued, screwed, and tattooed.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's actually pretty well known that the "S" in Harry S Truman didn't stand for anything. You'll have to impress girls some other way.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your politics are tough, but fair. When you say "Put 'em all in camps," you do mean everybody.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The typical Virgo is helpful to a fault, trusting in matters of love, and outgoing. That said, you probably got your powerful thirst for gin from your father.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've built a reputation as someone not to fuck with, which is unfortunate, as you would really like some fucking.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Buddha says that, while he may show you the way, only you can truly save yourself, proving once and for all that he's a lazy, fat bastard.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You haven't seen a lot of coroner's reports, but you're pretty sure yours shouldn't end with the phrase "right in the goddamn nuts!!!"
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Making the mature decision to throw out your beer-can collection will offer an added bonus when you find out that some of the cans still have beer in them.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The government has spent thousands of dollars training you to be a highly efficient killing machine, so please try and act like one from now on.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'd be a much more trusted and respected member of the community if you would just take your hand out of your pants every now and then.


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