Horoscope for the week of April 21, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 16

Weird Al Honors Parents' Memory With 'Tears In Heaven' Parody

FALLBROOK, CA—Zany, mourning entertainer "Weird Al" Yankovic has parodied Eric Clapton's eulogy song "Tears In Heaven" in loving tribute to his parents, who recently died of carbon-monoxide poisoning in their San Diego home, a spokesman for Yankovic said Monday. "Al's hurting deeply right now, and this is his way of honoring Nick and Mary," Karl Tuft said of the song in which a subdued Yankovic sings, "First you lit some flames / Then the smoke stopped your breathin' / Carbon mono's th'way you went... / Up to heaven" over a somber, minor-key accordion melody. Tuft added that the best way for Yankovic to give voice to his pain and loss was by altering the voice of Clapton's pain and loss.

Longtime Heckler Just Kind Of Fell Into Heckling

LOS ANGELES—Comedy-club regular Ray Thurmond, 53, has heckled Southern California's comedians for the past 21 years, but he told reporters Monday that he never planned to become a heckler. "I was watching some awful act at the Comedy Store, and the guy was totally bombing," Thurmond said. "So I yelled, 'God, you suck.' Well, the audience really cracked up, so I yelled at him to get off the stage. One thing led to another, and here I am." Thurmond also said that, while he did not coin the phrase, he may have been responsible for introducing the concept of not quitting your day job to the local scene.

Historian Has Big News For Grover Cleveland Fans

CALDWELL, NJ—Historian and author Louis Putnam announced Monday that his new book about Grover Cleveland will shock fans of the 22nd and 24th U.S. president. "You're gonna see the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms as you've never seen him before," Putnam said. "Forget Tammany Hall, screw the paternity scandal, and to hell with a so-called 'secret' battle with jaw cancer. When my book comes out, you're gonna fucking flip." Putnam's book, Grover! Grover! Grover!, will hit bookstore shelves May 13.

Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department

CHEYENNE, WY—After attempting to contain a living-room blaze started by a cigarette, card-carrying Libertarian Trent Jacobs reluctantly called the Cheyenne Fire Department Monday. "Although the community would do better to rely on an efficient, free-market fire-fighting service, the fact is that expensive, unnecessary public fire departments do exist," Jacobs said. "Also, my house was burning down." Jacobs did not offer to pay firefighters for their service.

I Haven't Achieved Greatness So Much As I Was Born Into It

Earlier today, on the way back from a shareholders meeting in Melbourne, the pilot of my Bombardier Challenger 604 twinprop private jet asked how I had managed to rise to a position of such great power and prestige at so young an age. After several modest demurrals, I settled back in my seat and began to explain my secret: I haven't so much "earned" greatness as I was "born into it."
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Partying

Horoscope for the week of April 21, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    When people think of all the ways picnics are ruined, it's rare that they come up with even half of the weird shit you've pulled.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    There comes a time in all of our lives when we're forced to admit that we need help, though it's not usually with getting a piano off our chests.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    By this time next week, you'll be a living example of what it's like to get blued, screwed, and tattooed.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    It's actually pretty well known that the "S" in Harry S Truman didn't stand for anything. You'll have to impress girls some other way.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your politics are tough, but fair. When you say "Put 'em all in camps," you do mean everybody.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The typical Virgo is helpful to a fault, trusting in matters of love, and outgoing. That said, you probably got your powerful thirst for gin from your father.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You've built a reputation as someone not to fuck with, which is unfortunate, as you would really like some fucking.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Buddha says that, while he may show you the way, only you can truly save yourself, proving once and for all that he's a lazy, fat bastard.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You haven't seen a lot of coroner's reports, but you're pretty sure yours shouldn't end with the phrase "right in the goddamn nuts!!!"
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Making the mature decision to throw out your beer-can collection will offer an added bonus when you find out that some of the cans still have beer in them.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The government has spent thousands of dollars training you to be a highly efficient killing machine, so please try and act like one from now on.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'd be a much more trusted and respected member of the community if you would just take your hand out of your pants every now and then.
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