adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of April 21, 2004

Top Headlines

Recent News

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Horoscope for the week of April 21, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    When people think of all the ways picnics are ruined, it's rare that they come up with even half of the weird shit you've pulled.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There comes a time in all of our lives when we're forced to admit that we need help, though it's not usually with getting a piano off our chests.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    By this time next week, you'll be a living example of what it's like to get blued, screwed, and tattooed.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's actually pretty well known that the "S" in Harry S Truman didn't stand for anything. You'll have to impress girls some other way.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your politics are tough, but fair. When you say "Put 'em all in camps," you do mean everybody.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The typical Virgo is helpful to a fault, trusting in matters of love, and outgoing. That said, you probably got your powerful thirst for gin from your father.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've built a reputation as someone not to fuck with, which is unfortunate, as you would really like some fucking.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Buddha says that, while he may show you the way, only you can truly save yourself, proving once and for all that he's a lazy, fat bastard.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You haven't seen a lot of coroner's reports, but you're pretty sure yours shouldn't end with the phrase "right in the goddamn nuts!!!"
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Making the mature decision to throw out your beer-can collection will offer an added bonus when you find out that some of the cans still have beer in them.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The government has spent thousands of dollars training you to be a highly efficient killing machine, so please try and act like one from now on.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'd be a much more trusted and respected member of the community if you would just take your hand out of your pants every now and then.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close