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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscope for the week of April 23, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be attacked by knife-wielding maniacs who will stab you 27 times, but take heart—a simple mixture of salt and lemon juice should get the stains out of your clothes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    William Shatner's retirement from acting, singing and writing will remove the central figure from your personal universe of kitsch.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be offered a high-paying opportunity to participate in a medical study by being dosed with the new wonder-drug Decapitatolin.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though your body is completely covered in tattoos, don't despair. You can create plenty more room for tasteful "skin art" by eating flapjacks until you gain 200 pounds.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are in for a rude awakening this week when you learn that overeating cannot cause pregnancy, and that those things coming from your "womb" aren’t babies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A paracosmic being will appear before you and grant you the amazing powers of his people. You will soon be able to fight crime and destroy your enemies with supersonic vomit.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Explore your inner self this week. You'll need a knife, several pairs of pliers, a box of safety pins, absorbent cotton wadding and a copy of Gray's Anatomy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: If you have faith, nothing is impossible, except for life after death, the existence of an omnipotent Creator and the return of Jesus.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    With spring comes more revealing fashions. For the love of God, please shave your back.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will receive a wake-up call from Robert Mitchum informing you that he's still twice the man you are and that he can take you any time he wants to.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A devastating revelation comes to you this week: The love poem your husband wrote you is actually the lyrics to the WKRP In Cincinnati theme song.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Take time to celebrate the glory of cilantro, nature's zestiest spice.
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