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Horoscope for the week of April 23, 1997

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Horoscope for the week of April 23, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be attacked by knife-wielding maniacs who will stab you 27 times, but take heart—a simple mixture of salt and lemon juice should get the stains out of your clothes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    William Shatner's retirement from acting, singing and writing will remove the central figure from your personal universe of kitsch.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be offered a high-paying opportunity to participate in a medical study by being dosed with the new wonder-drug Decapitatolin.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though your body is completely covered in tattoos, don't despair. You can create plenty more room for tasteful "skin art" by eating flapjacks until you gain 200 pounds.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are in for a rude awakening this week when you learn that overeating cannot cause pregnancy, and that those things coming from your "womb" aren’t babies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A paracosmic being will appear before you and grant you the amazing powers of his people. You will soon be able to fight crime and destroy your enemies with supersonic vomit.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Explore your inner self this week. You'll need a knife, several pairs of pliers, a box of safety pins, absorbent cotton wadding and a copy of Gray's Anatomy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: If you have faith, nothing is impossible, except for life after death, the existence of an omnipotent Creator and the return of Jesus.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    With spring comes more revealing fashions. For the love of God, please shave your back.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will receive a wake-up call from Robert Mitchum informing you that he's still twice the man you are and that he can take you any time he wants to.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A devastating revelation comes to you this week: The love poem your husband wrote you is actually the lyrics to the WKRP In Cincinnati theme song.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Take time to celebrate the glory of cilantro, nature's zestiest spice.

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