Horoscope for the week of April 23, 1997

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Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo

WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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Horoscope for the week of April 23, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be attacked by knife-wielding maniacs who will stab you 27 times, but take heart—a simple mixture of salt and lemon juice should get the stains out of your clothes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    William Shatner's retirement from acting, singing and writing will remove the central figure from your personal universe of kitsch.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be offered a high-paying opportunity to participate in a medical study by being dosed with the new wonder-drug Decapitatolin.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though your body is completely covered in tattoos, don't despair. You can create plenty more room for tasteful "skin art" by eating flapjacks until you gain 200 pounds.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are in for a rude awakening this week when you learn that overeating cannot cause pregnancy, and that those things coming from your "womb" aren’t babies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A paracosmic being will appear before you and grant you the amazing powers of his people. You will soon be able to fight crime and destroy your enemies with supersonic vomit.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Explore your inner self this week. You'll need a knife, several pairs of pliers, a box of safety pins, absorbent cotton wadding and a copy of Gray's Anatomy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Remember: If you have faith, nothing is impossible, except for life after death, the existence of an omnipotent Creator and the return of Jesus.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    With spring comes more revealing fashions. For the love of God, please shave your back.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will receive a wake-up call from Robert Mitchum informing you that he's still twice the man you are and that he can take you any time he wants to.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A devastating revelation comes to you this week: The love poem your husband wrote you is actually the lyrics to the WKRP In Cincinnati theme song.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Take time to celebrate the glory of cilantro, nature's zestiest spice.