Horoscope for the week of April 23, 1997

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Vol 31 Issue 15

Viewer Outraged

SHREVEPORT, LA—Longtime television viewer Abraham Frank, 78, expressed outrage Tuesday over a Married With Children episode in which a swimsuit beauty pageant featured many scantily clad young ladies, many with oiled skin. "I am outraged," Frank said. "I did not care for that program one bit." In the past, Frank has been outraged by televised displays of violence, interracial romance and the use of the word "booty."

Unpopular High-Schoolers Downplay Significance Of Prom

DOVER, DE—With Dover Central High School's May 11 prom fast approaching, unpopular seniors Kenneth Edmonds, 17, and James Montauk, 18, are actively downplaying the significance of the dance. "I feel sorry for those kids who have to dress up in those monkey suits all night," said Edmonds, a top-notch science student who plans to attend Cornell University in the fall. "They won't have any idea how dumb they look." Montauk, who dismissed the event as "stupid and lame," plans to spend prom night participating in an on-line Duke Nukem 3D tournament.

Major League Baseball To Retire All Black Players

NEW YORK—In honor of Brooklyn Dodgers legend Jackie Robinson, who broke baseball's color barrier 50 years ago last week, Major League Baseball officials announced Monday the retirement of all black players, effective immediately. "Jackie Robinson was a true pioneer and an extraordinary human being," said acting commissioner of baseball Bud Selig in a formal ceremony. "Today, we honor his memory in the greatest way possible—by making sure that no other athlete ever occupies his role as a professional black baseball player." Among the players retired Monday in Robinson's honor: Ken Griffey Jr., Barry Bonds and Frank Thomas. NHL officials said they would do the same.

My Night In Hunk Heaven

How's this for a triple threat: It's Monday, I have a yeast infection, and it's my birthday. (Fortunately, I've learned how to halt the aging process--I stopped counting at 29!)

Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me Jerry Garcia Was Dead?

Whoa, dude, shit. This is heavy. This is so... God, I don't know. Let me tell you, man. I was sitting down with all these people on the sidewalk in front of Beads 'N' More Beads one day last year, just playing the guitar and making bracelets, and everybody was talking about Jerry Garcia.

Is The President Above The Law?

Last week, President Clinton's Whitewater business partner was sentenced to three years in prison, while the president avoided standing trial. Days later, Attorney General Janet Reno announced she would not order an investigation of Clinton's questionable 1996 election fund-raising. Should presidents in some cases be exempt from prosecution?

Curse You, Rogue Highwayman!

For the past week the Zweibel Estate has been transformed into a vast fortress. The servants have been busy boarding up the windows, digging trenches and sandbagging the grounds. Why, you ask? A rogue highwayman rides loose in the county, robbing wealthy landowners and distributing the ill-gotten gains to the destitute peasantry. Bring me the head of Black Scarlet, bandit and fiend!

C-SPAN Courts Viewers With 'Mr. Slotnik,' Congress' Cantankerous Landlord

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing lackluster ratings in an increasingly competitive cable market, C-SPAN announced Monday that it will beef up the cast of characters on its daily congressional broadcasts with "Mr. Slotnik," a gruff but lovable landlord who owns the Capitol Building where sessions of Congress take place.

Crash Pulled From Theaters Following Real-Life Car Crash

OVERLAND PARK, KS—In what highway safety personnel are calling "a chilling example of cinema come to life," David Cronenberg's Crash was pulled from the nation's theaters Monday following an automotive accident near Kansas City which claimed two lives.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Innovation

Horoscope for the week of April 23, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will be attacked by knife-wielding maniacs who will stab you 27 times, but take heart—a simple mixture of salt and lemon juice should get the stains out of your clothes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    William Shatner's retirement from acting, singing and writing will remove the central figure from your personal universe of kitsch.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will be offered a high-paying opportunity to participate in a medical study by being dosed with the new wonder-drug Decapitatolin.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Though your body is completely covered in tattoos, don't despair. You can create plenty more room for tasteful "skin art" by eating flapjacks until you gain 200 pounds.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You are in for a rude awakening this week when you learn that overeating cannot cause pregnancy, and that those things coming from your "womb" aren’t babies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    A paracosmic being will appear before you and grant you the amazing powers of his people. You will soon be able to fight crime and destroy your enemies with supersonic vomit.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Explore your inner self this week. You'll need a knife, several pairs of pliers, a box of safety pins, absorbent cotton wadding and a copy of Gray's Anatomy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Remember: If you have faith, nothing is impossible, except for life after death, the existence of an omnipotent Creator and the return of Jesus.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    With spring comes more revealing fashions. For the love of God, please shave your back.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will receive a wake-up call from Robert Mitchum informing you that he's still twice the man you are and that he can take you any time he wants to.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A devastating revelation comes to you this week: The love poem your husband wrote you is actually the lyrics to the WKRP In Cincinnati theme song.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Take time to celebrate the glory of cilantro, nature's zestiest spice.
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