Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will be attacked by knife-wielding maniacs who will stab you 27 times, but take heart—a simple mixture of salt and lemon juice should get the stains out of your clothes.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
William Shatner's retirement from acting, singing and writing will remove the central figure from your personal universe of kitsch.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be offered a high-paying opportunity to participate in a medical study by being dosed with the new wonder-drug Decapitatolin.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Though your body is completely covered in tattoos, don't despair. You can create plenty more room for tasteful "skin art" by eating flapjacks until you gain 200 pounds.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You are in for a rude awakening this week when you learn that overeating cannot cause pregnancy, and that those things coming from your "womb" aren’t babies.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A paracosmic being will appear before you and grant you the amazing powers of his people. You will soon be able to fight crime and destroy your enemies with supersonic vomit.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Explore your inner self this week. You'll need a knife, several pairs of pliers, a box of safety pins, absorbent cotton wadding and a copy of Gray's Anatomy.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Remember: If you have faith, nothing is impossible, except for life after death, the existence of an omnipotent Creator and the return of Jesus.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
With spring comes more revealing fashions. For the love of God, please shave your back.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will receive a wake-up call from Robert Mitchum informing you that he's still twice the man you are and that he can take you any time he wants to.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A devastating revelation comes to you this week: The love poem your husband wrote you is actually the lyrics to the WKRP In Cincinnati theme song.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Take time to celebrate the glory of cilantro, nature's zestiest spice.
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