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Horoscope for the week of April 23, 2003

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Horoscope for the week of April 23, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This is a time of great uncertainty for you, but maybe you should stop going around saying you're uncertain how all the sailors wound up in your bed.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This might not be much of a comfort, but those 426 people would've all died eventually, anyway.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's been said that everyone ultimately becomes that which they despise, which may explain your sudden transformation into a platter of liver and onions.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Satan will appear before you, transport you to a mountaintop, show you the riches of the world, and then just leave you up there without food or shelter.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but that isn't the problem. The problem is that the stars actually have to tell you that.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your appetite for rich, fatty foods may not be healthy, but it would be even worse if it wasn't strictly sexual.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's time to start paying more attention to the things that make life worthwhile, such as oxygen molecules.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There will be times when you can do nothing but stand back and witness events as they unfold. However, sometimes it's good to know how to put out a grease fire.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your plan to fake your own death will be thoroughly convincing right up through the autopsy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Due to your devout Christianity, next Thursday will bring both the last moments and the biggest disappointment of your life.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've never been much of an athlete, but it still hurts when the U.S. Olympic basketball team makes a point of mentioning that they never considered you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The fear that your phony law degree will be exposed turns out to be groundless when Applebee's hires you anyway.

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