Horoscope for the week of April 23, 2003

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 23, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This is a time of great uncertainty for you, but maybe you should stop going around saying you're uncertain how all the sailors wound up in your bed.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This might not be much of a comfort, but those 426 people would've all died eventually, anyway.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's been said that everyone ultimately becomes that which they despise, which may explain your sudden transformation into a platter of liver and onions.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Satan will appear before you, transport you to a mountaintop, show you the riches of the world, and then just leave you up there without food or shelter.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but that isn't the problem. The problem is that the stars actually have to tell you that.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your appetite for rich, fatty foods may not be healthy, but it would be even worse if it wasn't strictly sexual.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's time to start paying more attention to the things that make life worthwhile, such as oxygen molecules.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There will be times when you can do nothing but stand back and witness events as they unfold. However, sometimes it's good to know how to put out a grease fire.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your plan to fake your own death will be thoroughly convincing right up through the autopsy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Due to your devout Christianity, next Thursday will bring both the last moments and the biggest disappointment of your life.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've never been much of an athlete, but it still hurts when the U.S. Olympic basketball team makes a point of mentioning that they never considered you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The fear that your phony law degree will be exposed turns out to be groundless when Applebee's hires you anyway.