Horoscope for the week of April 23, 2003

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Recent News

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Family

Horoscope for the week of April 23, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This is a time of great uncertainty for you, but maybe you should stop going around saying you're uncertain how all the sailors wound up in your bed.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This might not be much of a comfort, but those 426 people would've all died eventually, anyway.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's been said that everyone ultimately becomes that which they despise, which may explain your sudden transformation into a platter of liver and onions.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Satan will appear before you, transport you to a mountaintop, show you the riches of the world, and then just leave you up there without food or shelter.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but that isn't the problem. The problem is that the stars actually have to tell you that.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your appetite for rich, fatty foods may not be healthy, but it would be even worse if it wasn't strictly sexual.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's time to start paying more attention to the things that make life worthwhile, such as oxygen molecules.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There will be times when you can do nothing but stand back and witness events as they unfold. However, sometimes it's good to know how to put out a grease fire.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your plan to fake your own death will be thoroughly convincing right up through the autopsy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Due to your devout Christianity, next Thursday will bring both the last moments and the biggest disappointment of your life.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've never been much of an athlete, but it still hurts when the U.S. Olympic basketball team makes a point of mentioning that they never considered you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The fear that your phony law degree will be exposed turns out to be groundless when Applebee's hires you anyway.