Horoscope for the week of April 23, 2003

Top Headlines

Recent News

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.


Horoscope for the week of April 23, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This is a time of great uncertainty for you, but maybe you should stop going around saying you're uncertain how all the sailors wound up in your bed.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This might not be much of a comfort, but those 426 people would've all died eventually, anyway.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's been said that everyone ultimately becomes that which they despise, which may explain your sudden transformation into a platter of liver and onions.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Satan will appear before you, transport you to a mountaintop, show you the riches of the world, and then just leave you up there without food or shelter.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but that isn't the problem. The problem is that the stars actually have to tell you that.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your appetite for rich, fatty foods may not be healthy, but it would be even worse if it wasn't strictly sexual.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's time to start paying more attention to the things that make life worthwhile, such as oxygen molecules.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There will be times when you can do nothing but stand back and witness events as they unfold. However, sometimes it's good to know how to put out a grease fire.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your plan to fake your own death will be thoroughly convincing right up through the autopsy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Due to your devout Christianity, next Thursday will bring both the last moments and the biggest disappointment of your life.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've never been much of an athlete, but it still hurts when the U.S. Olympic basketball team makes a point of mentioning that they never considered you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The fear that your phony law degree will be exposed turns out to be groundless when Applebee's hires you anyway.