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Horoscope for the week of April 24, 2002

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
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Horoscope for the week of April 24, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You foolishly disregard the old saying about buying pigs in pokes, explaining that the pokes were cunningly disguised as blankets.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The philosophical revelation that a container cannot contain itself will inspire you to develop a revolutionary new type of container.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your plan to have children by the time you are 35 will go awry when you're shown a cute picture of a Weimaraner puppy in a bucket.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars are sorry, but writing the poems of Theodore Roethke on lamp shades doesn't make you an artist.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Doctors will cite your habits of smoking, drinking, and eating fatty foods as the primary source of your happiness.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon have reason to question the moral, ethical, and intellectual motivations behind your choice of long-distance carriers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Love, adventure, and laughs will not come to you, but they will come soon to a theater near you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    America will one day view sexuality in a healthy way, but until then, there are those Chippendale dancers.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your efforts to come to an understanding of the world will result in your creating a polytheistic religion based on the worship of megaliths.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Marshall McLuhan once said schizophrenia may be a consequence of literacy. Avoid this by sticking strictly to watching TV.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your theory that language is instinctive rather than a learned behavior would be more interesting if you communicated in anything but grunts.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You don't claim to know everything, but you're pretty sure that the illustrations in Gray's Anatomy shouldn't make you hungry.

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