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Horoscope for the week of April 24, 2002

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 24, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You foolishly disregard the old saying about buying pigs in pokes, explaining that the pokes were cunningly disguised as blankets.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The philosophical revelation that a container cannot contain itself will inspire you to develop a revolutionary new type of container.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your plan to have children by the time you are 35 will go awry when you're shown a cute picture of a Weimaraner puppy in a bucket.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars are sorry, but writing the poems of Theodore Roethke on lamp shades doesn't make you an artist.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Doctors will cite your habits of smoking, drinking, and eating fatty foods as the primary source of your happiness.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon have reason to question the moral, ethical, and intellectual motivations behind your choice of long-distance carriers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Love, adventure, and laughs will not come to you, but they will come soon to a theater near you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    America will one day view sexuality in a healthy way, but until then, there are those Chippendale dancers.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your efforts to come to an understanding of the world will result in your creating a polytheistic religion based on the worship of megaliths.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Marshall McLuhan once said schizophrenia may be a consequence of literacy. Avoid this by sticking strictly to watching TV.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your theory that language is instinctive rather than a learned behavior would be more interesting if you communicated in anything but grunts.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You don't claim to know everything, but you're pretty sure that the illustrations in Gray's Anatomy shouldn't make you hungry.

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