Horoscope for the week of April 24, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 15

Man Turns Vegetarian For 36 Hours

WAUSAU, WI— Local resident Alvin Wanamaker swore off all meat products for 36 hours, from Friday morning to late Saturday afternoon. "I was planning to go vegetarian for life," Wanamaker said Monday. "But then I figured, hey, there's hot dogs in the fridge, and they'll just go to waste." Wanamaker made headlines last year for his strict three-day exercise regimen of 100 sit-ups every morning.

Opium-Inspired Ad Executive Composes Epic Tums Jingle

CHICAGO— An eight-hour opium binge resulted in a towering work of advertising Sunday, when DDB Needham copywriter Brian Lisi gave birth to an epic 400-line radio jingle for Tums. "When Vulcan's fires spout and rage / within a roiling acid sea / let work the soothing tablet Tums / The Hell-sear'd forge within becomes / sweet alkaloid esprit," the jingle begins before detouring into iceberg imagery believed to represent Tums' new "Cool Relief" flavor. The ad, which begins production in June, is expected to run nearly 90 minutes.

Why Do Porn Actors Have To Use Such Foul Language?

Like many people, I enjoy pornographic movies. But I've got a major bone to pick with the actors. It's gotten to the point where you can't watch a porno without being inundated by swearing. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to enjoy a hardcore sex scene, only to have it ruined by the participants screaming, "F– my p–" and, "Oh, yeah, suck my big, hard you-know-what, baby." Is it really necessary to resort to such foul language?

Fashion Industry Pretends To Care About Plus-Size Models

NEW YORK— In a pretend show of support for larger women, the May issue of Vogue features a 16-page spread focusing on plus-size models. "These plus-size beauties are every bit as gorgeous as the models you usually see in magazines," said Vogue editor Anna Wintour, who has never before and will never again publish photos of normal-sized women. "Female beauty comes in many shapes and sizes, and this spread is a celebration of that fact." Vogue's June issue is slated to celebrate female boniness, featuring hundreds of photos of women weighing no more than 103 pounds.

The Osbournes

The Osbournes, the MTV reality show chronicling the lives of Ozzy Osbourne and his familiy, is a surprise hit.

Cardinal Law Under Fire

Boston's Cardinal Law has been ordered to appear for a deposition to answer questions about his protection of a priest accused of sexual abuse. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 24, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    You foolishly disregard the old saying about buying pigs in pokes, explaining that the pokes were cunningly disguised as blankets.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The philosophical revelation that a container cannot contain itself will inspire you to develop a revolutionary new type of container.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your plan to have children by the time you are 35 will go awry when you're shown a cute picture of a Weimaraner puppy in a bucket.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The stars are sorry, but writing the poems of Theodore Roethke on lamp shades doesn't make you an artist.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Doctors will cite your habits of smoking, drinking, and eating fatty foods as the primary source of your happiness.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will soon have reason to question the moral, ethical, and intellectual motivations behind your choice of long-distance carriers.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Love, adventure, and laughs will not come to you, but they will come soon to a theater near you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    America will one day view sexuality in a healthy way, but until then, there are those Chippendale dancers.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your efforts to come to an understanding of the world will result in your creating a polytheistic religion based on the worship of megaliths.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Marshall McLuhan once said schizophrenia may be a consequence of literacy. Avoid this by sticking strictly to watching TV.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your theory that language is instinctive rather than a learned behavior would be more interesting if you communicated in anything but grunts.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You don't claim to know everything, but you're pretty sure that the illustrations in Gray's Anatomy shouldn't make you hungry.
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