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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Horoscope for the week of April 25, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will learn that you are 1/64th Chippewa. Honor your heritage by finding a use for every part of the burrito.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Strangely, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A vision of Christ will appear before you, page through His Heavenly Book Of Geminis, read your chapter to Himself, and disappear laughing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will make People's list of the 25 Most Fatiguing People Of 2001.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This will be a lucky week, indeed, since no one enjoys a good concussion more than you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    When you boasted last week that "nothing can stop me now," you apparently forgot about syphilis.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The Publishers Clearinghouse Prize Patrol will cruelly prank you this week by presenting you with an enormous novelty check for 63 cents.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your near-illiteracy and slavish devotion to '70s retro kitsch lead you to shock and disturb your friends when you unveil your new Pet Cock.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Investigators from several federal agencies will conclude that the failure of an 89-cent O-ring caused you to explode over Florida.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your innocent inquiry regarding the origin of the term "panhandler" incites three bums to beat you to death with cast-iron skillets.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your attempt to double-cross the mob ends badly when you discover that most crooks are not as bumbling as Disney had led you to believe.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your fascination with the Vietnam War, combined with your love of romance novels and vampire myths, cause you to produce the worst work of fiction ever.

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