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Horoscope for the week of April 25, 2001

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Horoscope for the week of April 25, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will learn that you are 1/64th Chippewa. Honor your heritage by finding a use for every part of the burrito.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Strangely, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A vision of Christ will appear before you, page through His Heavenly Book Of Geminis, read your chapter to Himself, and disappear laughing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will make People's list of the 25 Most Fatiguing People Of 2001.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This will be a lucky week, indeed, since no one enjoys a good concussion more than you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    When you boasted last week that "nothing can stop me now," you apparently forgot about syphilis.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The Publishers Clearinghouse Prize Patrol will cruelly prank you this week by presenting you with an enormous novelty check for 63 cents.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your near-illiteracy and slavish devotion to '70s retro kitsch lead you to shock and disturb your friends when you unveil your new Pet Cock.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Investigators from several federal agencies will conclude that the failure of an 89-cent O-ring caused you to explode over Florida.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your innocent inquiry regarding the origin of the term "panhandler" incites three bums to beat you to death with cast-iron skillets.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your attempt to double-cross the mob ends badly when you discover that most crooks are not as bumbling as Disney had led you to believe.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your fascination with the Vietnam War, combined with your love of romance novels and vampire myths, cause you to produce the worst work of fiction ever.

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