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Horoscope for the week of April 25, 2001

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of April 25, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will learn that you are 1/64th Chippewa. Honor your heritage by finding a use for every part of the burrito.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Strangely, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A vision of Christ will appear before you, page through His Heavenly Book Of Geminis, read your chapter to Himself, and disappear laughing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will make People's list of the 25 Most Fatiguing People Of 2001.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This will be a lucky week, indeed, since no one enjoys a good concussion more than you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    When you boasted last week that "nothing can stop me now," you apparently forgot about syphilis.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The Publishers Clearinghouse Prize Patrol will cruelly prank you this week by presenting you with an enormous novelty check for 63 cents.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your near-illiteracy and slavish devotion to '70s retro kitsch lead you to shock and disturb your friends when you unveil your new Pet Cock.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Investigators from several federal agencies will conclude that the failure of an 89-cent O-ring caused you to explode over Florida.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your innocent inquiry regarding the origin of the term "panhandler" incites three bums to beat you to death with cast-iron skillets.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your attempt to double-cross the mob ends badly when you discover that most crooks are not as bumbling as Disney had led you to believe.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your fascination with the Vietnam War, combined with your love of romance novels and vampire myths, cause you to produce the worst work of fiction ever.

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