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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
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Horoscope for the week of April 25, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will learn that you are 1/64th Chippewa. Honor your heritage by finding a use for every part of the burrito.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Strangely, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A vision of Christ will appear before you, page through His Heavenly Book Of Geminis, read your chapter to Himself, and disappear laughing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will make People's list of the 25 Most Fatiguing People Of 2001.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This will be a lucky week, indeed, since no one enjoys a good concussion more than you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    When you boasted last week that "nothing can stop me now," you apparently forgot about syphilis.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The Publishers Clearinghouse Prize Patrol will cruelly prank you this week by presenting you with an enormous novelty check for 63 cents.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your near-illiteracy and slavish devotion to '70s retro kitsch lead you to shock and disturb your friends when you unveil your new Pet Cock.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Investigators from several federal agencies will conclude that the failure of an 89-cent O-ring caused you to explode over Florida.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your innocent inquiry regarding the origin of the term "panhandler" incites three bums to beat you to death with cast-iron skillets.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your attempt to double-cross the mob ends badly when you discover that most crooks are not as bumbling as Disney had led you to believe.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your fascination with the Vietnam War, combined with your love of romance novels and vampire myths, cause you to produce the worst work of fiction ever.

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