Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will learn that you are 1/64th Chippewa. Honor your heritage by finding a use for every part of the burrito.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Strangely, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A vision of Christ will appear before you, page through His Heavenly Book Of Geminis, read your chapter to Himself, and disappear laughing.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will make People's list of the 25 Most Fatiguing People Of 2001.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
This will be a lucky week, indeed, since no one enjoys a good concussion more than you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
When you boasted last week that "nothing can stop me now," you apparently forgot about syphilis.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The Publishers Clearinghouse Prize Patrol will cruelly prank you this week by presenting you with an enormous novelty check for 63 cents.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your near-illiteracy and slavish devotion to '70s retro kitsch lead you to shock and disturb your friends when you unveil your new Pet Cock.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Investigators from several federal agencies will conclude that the failure of an 89-cent O-ring caused you to explode over Florida.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your innocent inquiry regarding the origin of the term "panhandler" incites three bums to beat you to death with cast-iron skillets.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your attempt to double-cross the mob ends badly when you discover that most crooks are not as bumbling as Disney had led you to believe.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your fascination with the Vietnam War, combined with your love of romance novels and vampire myths, cause you to produce the worst work of fiction ever.
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