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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Horoscope for the week of April 25, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will learn that you are 1/64th Chippewa. Honor your heritage by finding a use for every part of the burrito.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Strangely, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A vision of Christ will appear before you, page through His Heavenly Book Of Geminis, read your chapter to Himself, and disappear laughing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will make People's list of the 25 Most Fatiguing People Of 2001.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This will be a lucky week, indeed, since no one enjoys a good concussion more than you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    When you boasted last week that "nothing can stop me now," you apparently forgot about syphilis.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The Publishers Clearinghouse Prize Patrol will cruelly prank you this week by presenting you with an enormous novelty check for 63 cents.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your near-illiteracy and slavish devotion to '70s retro kitsch lead you to shock and disturb your friends when you unveil your new Pet Cock.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Investigators from several federal agencies will conclude that the failure of an 89-cent O-ring caused you to explode over Florida.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your innocent inquiry regarding the origin of the term "panhandler" incites three bums to beat you to death with cast-iron skillets.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your attempt to double-cross the mob ends badly when you discover that most crooks are not as bumbling as Disney had led you to believe.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your fascination with the Vietnam War, combined with your love of romance novels and vampire myths, cause you to produce the worst work of fiction ever.

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