Horoscope for the week of April 26, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 15

Ammonia-Factory Leak Exposes Texas Town To Mexican Working Conditions

BROWNSVILLE, TX–A toxic-chemical leak at a Brownsville ammonia plant sent workers running for their lives Monday, exposing the city to deadly Mexican working conditions. "I smelled pure, concentrated ammonia leaking from one of the tanks, and for a second, I thought I was in the wrong country," plant foreman Dick Shriver said. "I mean, my God, Americans work here." Investigators noted with relief that shortly after the leak, a brisk wind came in from the north, blowing the lethal fumes out of the U.S.

Boyfriend Vows To Try Harder

BREMERTON, WA–Area resident Len Wallace made a solemn vow Monday to girlfriend Mindy Ellis that he would try much, much harder. "I've just been going through so much crazy stuff these days, baby," Wallace said. "From here on out, I'm gonna be the best boyfriend in the world." Wallace added that they're going to spend so much time together, he swears to God.

Pyramid Scheme 'Not A Pyramid Scheme'

HARTFORD, CT–Despite its expansion-driven profit structure and multilevel-marketing format, the "Cash-4-All" pyramid scheme is not a pyramid scheme, electronically dispatched literature touting the scheme boasted Monday. "Don't fall for those ripoff pyramid scemes [sic]," read an e-mail sent to Hartford resident Larry Grosvenor, "This is the real deal!!!" "This opportunity looks interesting," Grosvenor said of the pyramid scheme, which asked him to add his name to the bottom of a list, then send that list to six other people. "And the best part is, it's not some pyramid scheme."

Teen Male Vaguely Unnerved By Nude Pantyhose Rack At Kmart

OWINGS MILLS, MD–Unable to pinpoint the precise source of his disquietude, 13-year-old Brian Wilmot was "kinda creeped out" by a local Kmart's "nude" pantyhose rack Monday. "There's these plastic, pantyhose-covered legs sticking out of the rack, and the word 'nude' is there in big letters," said Wilmot, who was dragged to the store by his mother. "I don't know what it was about it, but it was just sorta unsettling."

Country Singer Trying To Think Of Rhyme For 'Shove You'

GREEN BRIER, TN–Country singer Ricky Lee Dean, nearing completion of a new song, reported Monday that he is struggling to find a rhyme for "shove you." "It's a tune about a fella who gets drunk and mistreats his gal, and he's trying to explain to her why he acts that way," Dean said. "The line goes, 'Just because I shove you/That don't mean I don't...' but I can't seem to finish it." Dean is also trying to come up with a rhyme for "down a flight of stairs."

Federal Troops Seize Neglected Child In Pre-Dawn Raid

YPSILANTI, MI–Acting under orders from U.S. Health And Human Services Secretary Donna Shalala, a battalion of heavily armed federal officers seized custody of neglected 9-year-old Jeffrey Boyd in a dramatic pre-dawn raid of his Ypsilanti home Monday. "Jeffrey is finally safe and out of harm's way," Shalala said of Boyd, whose parents were written up by Michigan's Department of Child and Family Services last month for "failure to consistently provide proper supervision and nutritious meals." Shalala added that the extreme measures were regrettable, but were necessary to enforce the law.

Third World Debt Relief

An estimated 10,000 people descended upon World Bank and IMF meetings in Washington last week, demanding debt relief for impoverished Third World nations. What do you think?
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Horoscope for the week of April 26, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your simple, pious life as a devout Lutheran is marred only by the giant talking Saint Bernard who seems to follow you everywhere.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Everyone doubted you when you said you were going to bike across the country last summer. Make them feel bad by telling them it's their fault you didn't.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will enjoy an unexpected day off from work when an out-of-control cement mixer runs over your legs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Some have criticized horoscopy as being a passive method of fortune telling, and Cancer wants to change that. You WILL meet a dark stranger this week. Got it?
  • Leo

    Leo

    It's true: Nobody likes a good ham-and-eggs breakfast more than you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will formulate a mathematical proof based on a paraconstant, quasi-logical, either/or transience that seems to prove that millions of checks are, at this very moment, in the mail.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The devil will appear in a sudden cloud of fire and brimstone to present incontrovertible proof that he did not, in fact, make you do it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your exciting new job in the hospitality industry will require you to change a lot more bedsheets than you were led to believe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You still haven't found anything that compares to the adrenaline rush you get from washing down a whole box of blueberry donuts with Strawberry Quik.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You meet your online romance, only to find he's no more exciting than you are.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    What your therapist has been calling "classic Aquarius behavior" is therapist shorthand for "being an asshole."
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    There is no accounting for taste, especially after your tongue is ripped out by pigeons next Thursday.
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