Horoscope for the week of April 26, 2000

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Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Horoscope for the week of April 26, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your simple, pious life as a devout Lutheran is marred only by the giant talking Saint Bernard who seems to follow you everywhere.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone doubted you when you said you were going to bike across the country last summer. Make them feel bad by telling them it's their fault you didn't.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will enjoy an unexpected day off from work when an out-of-control cement mixer runs over your legs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Some have criticized horoscopy as being a passive method of fortune telling, and Cancer wants to change that. You WILL meet a dark stranger this week. Got it?
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's true: Nobody likes a good ham-and-eggs breakfast more than you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will formulate a mathematical proof based on a paraconstant, quasi-logical, either/or transience that seems to prove that millions of checks are, at this very moment, in the mail.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The devil will appear in a sudden cloud of fire and brimstone to present incontrovertible proof that he did not, in fact, make you do it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your exciting new job in the hospitality industry will require you to change a lot more bedsheets than you were led to believe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You still haven't found anything that compares to the adrenaline rush you get from washing down a whole box of blueberry donuts with Strawberry Quik.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You meet your online romance, only to find he's no more exciting than you are.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    What your therapist has been calling "classic Aquarius behavior" is therapist shorthand for "being an asshole."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There is no accounting for taste, especially after your tongue is ripped out by pigeons next Thursday.