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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Horoscope for the week of April 26, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your simple, pious life as a devout Lutheran is marred only by the giant talking Saint Bernard who seems to follow you everywhere.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone doubted you when you said you were going to bike across the country last summer. Make them feel bad by telling them it's their fault you didn't.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will enjoy an unexpected day off from work when an out-of-control cement mixer runs over your legs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Some have criticized horoscopy as being a passive method of fortune telling, and Cancer wants to change that. You WILL meet a dark stranger this week. Got it?
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's true: Nobody likes a good ham-and-eggs breakfast more than you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will formulate a mathematical proof based on a paraconstant, quasi-logical, either/or transience that seems to prove that millions of checks are, at this very moment, in the mail.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The devil will appear in a sudden cloud of fire and brimstone to present incontrovertible proof that he did not, in fact, make you do it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your exciting new job in the hospitality industry will require you to change a lot more bedsheets than you were led to believe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You still haven't found anything that compares to the adrenaline rush you get from washing down a whole box of blueberry donuts with Strawberry Quik.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You meet your online romance, only to find he's no more exciting than you are.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    What your therapist has been calling "classic Aquarius behavior" is therapist shorthand for "being an asshole."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There is no accounting for taste, especially after your tongue is ripped out by pigeons next Thursday.

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