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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Horoscope for the week of April 26, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your simple, pious life as a devout Lutheran is marred only by the giant talking Saint Bernard who seems to follow you everywhere.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone doubted you when you said you were going to bike across the country last summer. Make them feel bad by telling them it's their fault you didn't.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will enjoy an unexpected day off from work when an out-of-control cement mixer runs over your legs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Some have criticized horoscopy as being a passive method of fortune telling, and Cancer wants to change that. You WILL meet a dark stranger this week. Got it?
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's true: Nobody likes a good ham-and-eggs breakfast more than you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will formulate a mathematical proof based on a paraconstant, quasi-logical, either/or transience that seems to prove that millions of checks are, at this very moment, in the mail.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The devil will appear in a sudden cloud of fire and brimstone to present incontrovertible proof that he did not, in fact, make you do it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your exciting new job in the hospitality industry will require you to change a lot more bedsheets than you were led to believe.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You still haven't found anything that compares to the adrenaline rush you get from washing down a whole box of blueberry donuts with Strawberry Quik.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You meet your online romance, only to find he's no more exciting than you are.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    What your therapist has been calling "classic Aquarius behavior" is therapist shorthand for "being an asshole."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There is no accounting for taste, especially after your tongue is ripped out by pigeons next Thursday.

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