Horoscope for the week of April 27, 2005

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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of April 27, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You really won't know what to think when God Himself appears to you and asks, rather shyly, if you think people would be okay with saying "God Herself" from now on.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An innocent trip across town in your Abrams main battle tank to return a friend's industrial-grade power tools will somehow result in your pulling off the bank heist of the century totally by accident.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Good coaching and kind, compassionate discipline will turn a ragtag group of problem kids into a top-notch football team, but you're just what they need to turn them back to violence and drug abuse.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You should move confidently in whatever direction your dreams take you, even if they're about being chased down a dark hallway by a bloody-fanged eggplant.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mars descending in your sign is usually a sign of good luck, but that's when Mars isn't descending straight at you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Unfortunately, the police have also heard the story where the murderer kills her victim with a frozen leg of lamb and then feeds the evidence to investigators.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Treating yourself to a piece of pie when things go well is a good idea, but remember that you said "well," you fat fucking hog—not "barely acceptable."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The other men who delivered babies in stalled elevators were considered heroes, but they didn't commandeer an elevator full of food, water, medical supplies, and women last July.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You remember what a good, strong, fiery kick a bottle used to have in the old days—it was nothing like the watered-down crap these puny kids are calling a Molotov cocktail.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Life as a left-hander isn't all that bad, but you still think it's small-minded of your insurance company to take such a laterally asymmetrical view of your accident coverage.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This Thursday's sudden solar flare will have far-reaching cosmic effects, changing what should have been a good day for career ambitions into an opportunity for romance with a dark stranger.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's nothing wrong with consensual love between adult human beings, but as long as other people are demonizing it for personal gain, you want in.