adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of April 27, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You really won't know what to think when God Himself appears to you and asks, rather shyly, if you think people would be okay with saying "God Herself" from now on.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An innocent trip across town in your Abrams main battle tank to return a friend's industrial-grade power tools will somehow result in your pulling off the bank heist of the century totally by accident.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Good coaching and kind, compassionate discipline will turn a ragtag group of problem kids into a top-notch football team, but you're just what they need to turn them back to violence and drug abuse.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You should move confidently in whatever direction your dreams take you, even if they're about being chased down a dark hallway by a bloody-fanged eggplant.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mars descending in your sign is usually a sign of good luck, but that's when Mars isn't descending straight at you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Unfortunately, the police have also heard the story where the murderer kills her victim with a frozen leg of lamb and then feeds the evidence to investigators.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Treating yourself to a piece of pie when things go well is a good idea, but remember that you said "well," you fat fucking hog—not "barely acceptable."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The other men who delivered babies in stalled elevators were considered heroes, but they didn't commandeer an elevator full of food, water, medical supplies, and women last July.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You remember what a good, strong, fiery kick a bottle used to have in the old days—it was nothing like the watered-down crap these puny kids are calling a Molotov cocktail.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Life as a left-hander isn't all that bad, but you still think it's small-minded of your insurance company to take such a laterally asymmetrical view of your accident coverage.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This Thursday's sudden solar flare will have far-reaching cosmic effects, changing what should have been a good day for career ambitions into an opportunity for romance with a dark stranger.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's nothing wrong with consensual love between adult human beings, but as long as other people are demonizing it for personal gain, you want in.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close