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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Horoscope for the week of April 27, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You really won't know what to think when God Himself appears to you and asks, rather shyly, if you think people would be okay with saying "God Herself" from now on.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An innocent trip across town in your Abrams main battle tank to return a friend's industrial-grade power tools will somehow result in your pulling off the bank heist of the century totally by accident.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Good coaching and kind, compassionate discipline will turn a ragtag group of problem kids into a top-notch football team, but you're just what they need to turn them back to violence and drug abuse.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You should move confidently in whatever direction your dreams take you, even if they're about being chased down a dark hallway by a bloody-fanged eggplant.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mars descending in your sign is usually a sign of good luck, but that's when Mars isn't descending straight at you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Unfortunately, the police have also heard the story where the murderer kills her victim with a frozen leg of lamb and then feeds the evidence to investigators.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Treating yourself to a piece of pie when things go well is a good idea, but remember that you said "well," you fat fucking hog—not "barely acceptable."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The other men who delivered babies in stalled elevators were considered heroes, but they didn't commandeer an elevator full of food, water, medical supplies, and women last July.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You remember what a good, strong, fiery kick a bottle used to have in the old days—it was nothing like the watered-down crap these puny kids are calling a Molotov cocktail.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Life as a left-hander isn't all that bad, but you still think it's small-minded of your insurance company to take such a laterally asymmetrical view of your accident coverage.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This Thursday's sudden solar flare will have far-reaching cosmic effects, changing what should have been a good day for career ambitions into an opportunity for romance with a dark stranger.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's nothing wrong with consensual love between adult human beings, but as long as other people are demonizing it for personal gain, you want in.

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