Horoscope for the week of April 28, 1999

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Horoscope for the week of April 28, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will discover an unfortunate downside to eating too many of those scrumptious, non-fat sleeping pills.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your attempt to get your own chapter in the history books will provide an interesting case study for the medical books.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini is ready for bar or beach in a kicky tanktop (Diesel, $77), buff khaki cargo shorts (Gap, $33) and sporty surf sandals (Dolce & Gabbana, $105).
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You can’t shake the feeling that there should be more to life than "On with the pants, off with the pants" all day long.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are delighted to discover that there is something between the tits and ass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After a year-long drinking binge, you suddenly come to in Times Square wearing a suit, holding a briefcase and making millions in arbitrage.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The solution to all your problems can be found by reading the mistranslated myths of a stone-age desert nomad tribe.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your love of a good chicken dinner only deepens when you taste a chicken that’s been both plucked and cooked.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The simultaneous invention of the stirrup, saddle and recurved bow make this a good week for you and the rest of your Mongol horde.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Mars in your sign indicates conflict and change. That, or it was getting tired of hanging out in that boring old Scorpio place.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams— even the ones in which the kitchen table grows jagged teeth and chases you around while shrieking Keats poems.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your decision to spend a year in Israel comes as a great relief to every other nation on Earth.