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Horoscope for the week of April 28, 1999

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of April 28, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will discover an unfortunate downside to eating too many of those scrumptious, non-fat sleeping pills.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your attempt to get your own chapter in the history books will provide an interesting case study for the medical books.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini is ready for bar or beach in a kicky tanktop (Diesel, $77), buff khaki cargo shorts (Gap, $33) and sporty surf sandals (Dolce & Gabbana, $105).
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You can’t shake the feeling that there should be more to life than "On with the pants, off with the pants" all day long.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are delighted to discover that there is something between the tits and ass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After a year-long drinking binge, you suddenly come to in Times Square wearing a suit, holding a briefcase and making millions in arbitrage.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The solution to all your problems can be found by reading the mistranslated myths of a stone-age desert nomad tribe.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your love of a good chicken dinner only deepens when you taste a chicken that’s been both plucked and cooked.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The simultaneous invention of the stirrup, saddle and recurved bow make this a good week for you and the rest of your Mongol horde.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Mars in your sign indicates conflict and change. That, or it was getting tired of hanging out in that boring old Scorpio place.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams— even the ones in which the kitchen table grows jagged teeth and chases you around while shrieking Keats poems.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your decision to spend a year in Israel comes as a great relief to every other nation on Earth.

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