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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Horoscope for the week of April 28, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will discover an unfortunate downside to eating too many of those scrumptious, non-fat sleeping pills.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your attempt to get your own chapter in the history books will provide an interesting case study for the medical books.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini is ready for bar or beach in a kicky tanktop (Diesel, $77), buff khaki cargo shorts (Gap, $33) and sporty surf sandals (Dolce & Gabbana, $105).
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You can’t shake the feeling that there should be more to life than "On with the pants, off with the pants" all day long.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are delighted to discover that there is something between the tits and ass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After a year-long drinking binge, you suddenly come to in Times Square wearing a suit, holding a briefcase and making millions in arbitrage.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The solution to all your problems can be found by reading the mistranslated myths of a stone-age desert nomad tribe.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your love of a good chicken dinner only deepens when you taste a chicken that’s been both plucked and cooked.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The simultaneous invention of the stirrup, saddle and recurved bow make this a good week for you and the rest of your Mongol horde.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Mars in your sign indicates conflict and change. That, or it was getting tired of hanging out in that boring old Scorpio place.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams— even the ones in which the kitchen table grows jagged teeth and chases you around while shrieking Keats poems.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your decision to spend a year in Israel comes as a great relief to every other nation on Earth.

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