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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Horoscope for the week of April 28, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will discover an unfortunate downside to eating too many of those scrumptious, non-fat sleeping pills.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your attempt to get your own chapter in the history books will provide an interesting case study for the medical books.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini is ready for bar or beach in a kicky tanktop (Diesel, $77), buff khaki cargo shorts (Gap, $33) and sporty surf sandals (Dolce & Gabbana, $105).
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You can’t shake the feeling that there should be more to life than "On with the pants, off with the pants" all day long.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are delighted to discover that there is something between the tits and ass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After a year-long drinking binge, you suddenly come to in Times Square wearing a suit, holding a briefcase and making millions in arbitrage.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The solution to all your problems can be found by reading the mistranslated myths of a stone-age desert nomad tribe.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your love of a good chicken dinner only deepens when you taste a chicken that’s been both plucked and cooked.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The simultaneous invention of the stirrup, saddle and recurved bow make this a good week for you and the rest of your Mongol horde.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Mars in your sign indicates conflict and change. That, or it was getting tired of hanging out in that boring old Scorpio place.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams— even the ones in which the kitchen table grows jagged teeth and chases you around while shrieking Keats poems.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your decision to spend a year in Israel comes as a great relief to every other nation on Earth.
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