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Horoscope for the week of April 28, 1999

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of April 28, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will discover an unfortunate downside to eating too many of those scrumptious, non-fat sleeping pills.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your attempt to get your own chapter in the history books will provide an interesting case study for the medical books.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini is ready for bar or beach in a kicky tanktop (Diesel, $77), buff khaki cargo shorts (Gap, $33) and sporty surf sandals (Dolce & Gabbana, $105).
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You can’t shake the feeling that there should be more to life than "On with the pants, off with the pants" all day long.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are delighted to discover that there is something between the tits and ass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After a year-long drinking binge, you suddenly come to in Times Square wearing a suit, holding a briefcase and making millions in arbitrage.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The solution to all your problems can be found by reading the mistranslated myths of a stone-age desert nomad tribe.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your love of a good chicken dinner only deepens when you taste a chicken that’s been both plucked and cooked.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The simultaneous invention of the stirrup, saddle and recurved bow make this a good week for you and the rest of your Mongol horde.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Mars in your sign indicates conflict and change. That, or it was getting tired of hanging out in that boring old Scorpio place.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams— even the ones in which the kitchen table grows jagged teeth and chases you around while shrieking Keats poems.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your decision to spend a year in Israel comes as a great relief to every other nation on Earth.

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