Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will discover an unfortunate downside to eating too many of those scrumptious, non-fat sleeping pills.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your attempt to get your own chapter in the history books will provide an interesting case study for the medical books.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Gemini is ready for bar or beach in a kicky tanktop (Diesel, $77), buff khaki cargo shorts (Gap, $33) and sporty surf sandals (Dolce & Gabbana, $105).
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You can’t shake the feeling that there should be more to life than "On with the pants, off with the pants" all day long.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You are delighted to discover that there is something between the tits and ass.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
After a year-long drinking binge, you suddenly come to in Times Square wearing a suit, holding a briefcase and making millions in arbitrage.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The solution to all your problems can be found by reading the mistranslated myths of a stone-age desert nomad tribe.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your love of a good chicken dinner only deepens when you taste a chicken that’s been both plucked and cooked.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The simultaneous invention of the stirrup, saddle and recurved bow make this a good week for you and the rest of your Mongol horde.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Mars in your sign indicates conflict and change. That, or it was getting tired of hanging out in that boring old Scorpio place.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams— even the ones in which the kitchen table grows jagged teeth and chases you around while shrieking Keats poems.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your decision to spend a year in Israel comes as a great relief to every other nation on Earth.
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