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In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Horoscope for the week of April 28, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You love pointing out that you were raised by wolves, but you never mention that they were Harvard-educated, old-money Boston wolves.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Plastic bags are not a toy, but you understand that they can still be a lot of fun if you use them to smother children.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You may say there's nothing wrong with you that a week in the Bahamas won't cure, but the stars recommend you get the chemotherapy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars have always been a great influence on your fate. This will never be as true as it is next week, when a certain yellow G-type variable star cuts loose with a really impressive flare.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Everyone has problems, but they don't all expect the whole universe to come to a standstill because of them. Only about half of them expect that.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll no longer have any reason to doubt the transcendent power of love after you see it obliterate an entire armored division in military tests.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Some people would cut off their nose to spite their face, but you're not like that. You did it because you thought it would make you look like a wingless man-bat hybrid.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A bizarre misunderstanding on your part will result in your going to church every Sunday and speaking sincerely to invisible entities with the belief that it might do you some sort of good.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your millions can't help you find love and happiness, especially because the word "millions" here doesn't indicate any sort of monetary unit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll watch as dozens die in a bus accident, but take heart: Everyone will know there was nothing you could have done without severely inconveniencing yourself.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've been forced to conclude that people are just no good, no matter how you slice, puree, braise, fry, or sauté them.
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