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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Horoscope for the week of April 28, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You love pointing out that you were raised by wolves, but you never mention that they were Harvard-educated, old-money Boston wolves.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Plastic bags are not a toy, but you understand that they can still be a lot of fun if you use them to smother children.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You may say there's nothing wrong with you that a week in the Bahamas won't cure, but the stars recommend you get the chemotherapy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars have always been a great influence on your fate. This will never be as true as it is next week, when a certain yellow G-type variable star cuts loose with a really impressive flare.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Everyone has problems, but they don't all expect the whole universe to come to a standstill because of them. Only about half of them expect that.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll no longer have any reason to doubt the transcendent power of love after you see it obliterate an entire armored division in military tests.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Some people would cut off their nose to spite their face, but you're not like that. You did it because you thought it would make you look like a wingless man-bat hybrid.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A bizarre misunderstanding on your part will result in your going to church every Sunday and speaking sincerely to invisible entities with the belief that it might do you some sort of good.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your millions can't help you find love and happiness, especially because the word "millions" here doesn't indicate any sort of monetary unit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll watch as dozens die in a bus accident, but take heart: Everyone will know there was nothing you could have done without severely inconveniencing yourself.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've been forced to conclude that people are just no good, no matter how you slice, puree, braise, fry, or sauté them.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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