adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of April 28, 2004

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Horoscope for the week of April 28, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You love pointing out that you were raised by wolves, but you never mention that they were Harvard-educated, old-money Boston wolves.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Plastic bags are not a toy, but you understand that they can still be a lot of fun if you use them to smother children.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You may say there's nothing wrong with you that a week in the Bahamas won't cure, but the stars recommend you get the chemotherapy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars have always been a great influence on your fate. This will never be as true as it is next week, when a certain yellow G-type variable star cuts loose with a really impressive flare.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Everyone has problems, but they don't all expect the whole universe to come to a standstill because of them. Only about half of them expect that.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll no longer have any reason to doubt the transcendent power of love after you see it obliterate an entire armored division in military tests.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Some people would cut off their nose to spite their face, but you're not like that. You did it because you thought it would make you look like a wingless man-bat hybrid.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A bizarre misunderstanding on your part will result in your going to church every Sunday and speaking sincerely to invisible entities with the belief that it might do you some sort of good.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your millions can't help you find love and happiness, especially because the word "millions" here doesn't indicate any sort of monetary unit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll watch as dozens die in a bus accident, but take heart: Everyone will know there was nothing you could have done without severely inconveniencing yourself.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've been forced to conclude that people are just no good, no matter how you slice, puree, braise, fry, or sauté them.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close