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Horoscope for the week of April 29, 1998

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Horoscope for the week of April 29, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Police officers are unable to determine the cause of your death until they uncover the giant syringe, human sex hormones, and disabled safety-lock on your microwave.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After many years together, your spouse will announce she is leaving you because you are so damned fat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Government scientists will develop a new form of euthanasia designed specifically for you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The crazed, maniacal stalker who has tormented you for months will finally relent this week when you forget to pay him.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A wacky office mix-up ensues when you casually tell a co-worker that you want to "shoot my hot cum all over your big tits," and she takes it as a dirty sexual double-entendre.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that you should look forward to a week of whirlwind romance and passionate sexual trysting, those good-for-nothing celestial liars.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After many tests, top doctors will declare the egg-sized tumor in your brain to be benign. However, they will also discover the rest of your body to be incurably malignant.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Pluto in your sign indicates that invisible demons from beyond time will devour you alive before many witnesses, prompting a groundbreaking piece of congressional legislation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    What begins as an ordinary whitewater-rafting trip ends with four lucky Sagittarii discovering a vast gold mine. None of them are you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your habit of indulging in over-educated, pun-filled "trash talk" provokes the other members of your volleyball team to bury you alive.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your sex life goes down the tubes after you accidentally cut off your most fun parts with a hedge trimmer.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces has been closed for non-payment of gambling debts.

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