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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
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Horoscope for the week of April 29, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Police officers are unable to determine the cause of your death until they uncover the giant syringe, human sex hormones, and disabled safety-lock on your microwave.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After many years together, your spouse will announce she is leaving you because you are so damned fat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Government scientists will develop a new form of euthanasia designed specifically for you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The crazed, maniacal stalker who has tormented you for months will finally relent this week when you forget to pay him.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A wacky office mix-up ensues when you casually tell a co-worker that you want to "shoot my hot cum all over your big tits," and she takes it as a dirty sexual double-entendre.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that you should look forward to a week of whirlwind romance and passionate sexual trysting, those good-for-nothing celestial liars.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After many tests, top doctors will declare the egg-sized tumor in your brain to be benign. However, they will also discover the rest of your body to be incurably malignant.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Pluto in your sign indicates that invisible demons from beyond time will devour you alive before many witnesses, prompting a groundbreaking piece of congressional legislation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    What begins as an ordinary whitewater-rafting trip ends with four lucky Sagittarii discovering a vast gold mine. None of them are you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your habit of indulging in over-educated, pun-filled "trash talk" provokes the other members of your volleyball team to bury you alive.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your sex life goes down the tubes after you accidentally cut off your most fun parts with a hedge trimmer.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces has been closed for non-payment of gambling debts.

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