Aries | March 21 to April 19
Police officers are unable to determine the cause of your death until they uncover the giant syringe, human sex hormones, and disabled safety-lock on your microwave.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
After many years together, your spouse will announce she is leaving you because you are so damned fat.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Government scientists will develop a new form of euthanasia designed specifically for you.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The crazed, maniacal stalker who has tormented you for months will finally relent this week when you forget to pay him.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A wacky office mix-up ensues when you casually tell a co-worker that you want to "shoot my hot cum all over your big tits," and she takes it as a dirty sexual double-entendre.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars indicate that you should look forward to a week of whirlwind romance and passionate sexual trysting, those good-for-nothing celestial liars.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After many tests, top doctors will declare the egg-sized tumor in your brain to be benign. However, they will also discover the rest of your body to be incurably malignant.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Pluto in your sign indicates that invisible demons from beyond time will devour you alive before many witnesses, prompting a groundbreaking piece of congressional legislation.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
What begins as an ordinary whitewater-rafting trip ends with four lucky Sagittarii discovering a vast gold mine. None of them are you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your habit of indulging in over-educated, pun-filled "trash talk" provokes the other members of your volleyball team to bury you alive.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your sex life goes down the tubes after you accidentally cut off your most fun parts with a hedge trimmer.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Pisces has been closed for non-payment of gambling debts.
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