Horoscope for the week of April 29, 1998

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Campaigns Spend Their Money

The 2016 election cycle is shaping up to be the most expensive in American history, with most presidential candidates already having raised tens of millions of dollars for their respective campaigns. Here is a breakdown of just how that money is spent:

Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Originality

Horoscope for the week of April 29, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Police officers are unable to determine the cause of your death until they uncover the giant syringe, human sex hormones, and disabled safety-lock on your microwave.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After many years together, your spouse will announce she is leaving you because you are so damned fat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Government scientists will develop a new form of euthanasia designed specifically for you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The crazed, maniacal stalker who has tormented you for months will finally relent this week when you forget to pay him.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A wacky office mix-up ensues when you casually tell a co-worker that you want to "shoot my hot cum all over your big tits," and she takes it as a dirty sexual double-entendre.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that you should look forward to a week of whirlwind romance and passionate sexual trysting, those good-for-nothing celestial liars.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After many tests, top doctors will declare the egg-sized tumor in your brain to be benign. However, they will also discover the rest of your body to be incurably malignant.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Pluto in your sign indicates that invisible demons from beyond time will devour you alive before many witnesses, prompting a groundbreaking piece of congressional legislation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    What begins as an ordinary whitewater-rafting trip ends with four lucky Sagittarii discovering a vast gold mine. None of them are you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your habit of indulging in over-educated, pun-filled "trash talk" provokes the other members of your volleyball team to bury you alive.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your sex life goes down the tubes after you accidentally cut off your most fun parts with a hedge trimmer.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces has been closed for non-payment of gambling debts.