adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of April 3, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon be judged by a jury of your peers, although finding 12 equally drunk bus drivers will not be easy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It turns out the voices in your head that tell you how to behave are called your "conscience" and that listening to them will ruin your career in advertising.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Before this week, you thought "nibbled to death by ducks" was merely a funny way of describing the bureaucratic process.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You are growing increasingly annoyed with popular culture's continued misinterpretation and trivialization of the vampire's point of view.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will experience the sort of pain normally felt only by careless entrants in theWorld's Strongest Man competition.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will successfully avoid being pulled over by burly mustachioed state troopers, thanks to your invention of the Gaydar Detector.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will feel a strange mixture of personal embarrassment and artistic revulsion when you are lampooned by The Capitol Steps.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You were born bearing the burden of original sin, but that has not stopped you from indulging in several hundred derivative types.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your theory regarding governmentmind-control devices is right, except for the part about the tinfoil helmets being an effective way to stop them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The paramedics will be forced to rip you out of your suit and cut off your tie to save you from wearing an absolutely ridiculous suit and tie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're half right: Heaven does not, in fact, want you, but Hell is not the least bit concerned that you might take over.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You establish a destructive pattern of behavior this week when you discover how much fun it is to destroy things.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close