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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
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Horoscope for the week of April 3, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon be judged by a jury of your peers, although finding 12 equally drunk bus drivers will not be easy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It turns out the voices in your head that tell you how to behave are called your "conscience" and that listening to them will ruin your career in advertising.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Before this week, you thought "nibbled to death by ducks" was merely a funny way of describing the bureaucratic process.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You are growing increasingly annoyed with popular culture's continued misinterpretation and trivialization of the vampire's point of view.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will experience the sort of pain normally felt only by careless entrants in theWorld's Strongest Man competition.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will successfully avoid being pulled over by burly mustachioed state troopers, thanks to your invention of the Gaydar Detector.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will feel a strange mixture of personal embarrassment and artistic revulsion when you are lampooned by The Capitol Steps.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You were born bearing the burden of original sin, but that has not stopped you from indulging in several hundred derivative types.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your theory regarding governmentmind-control devices is right, except for the part about the tinfoil helmets being an effective way to stop them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The paramedics will be forced to rip you out of your suit and cut off your tie to save you from wearing an absolutely ridiculous suit and tie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're half right: Heaven does not, in fact, want you, but Hell is not the least bit concerned that you might take over.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You establish a destructive pattern of behavior this week when you discover how much fun it is to destroy things.
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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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