Horoscope for the week of April 3, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 12

Loft Discussed At Loft Party

CHICAGO—Guests at David and Jill Holman's loft party last Saturday spent the bulk of the four-hour affair discussing various aspects of the loft, including its location, square footage, rent, division of space, acoustics, and previous use.

Stand-Up And Be Counted

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how important it is to follow your dreams. We all have them. Some of us want to be doctors, some want to be lawyers... and some want to be a size six!
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Horoscope for the week of April 3, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will soon be judged by a jury of your peers, although finding 12 equally drunk bus drivers will not be easy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It turns out the voices in your head that tell you how to behave are called your "conscience" and that listening to them will ruin your career in advertising.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Before this week, you thought "nibbled to death by ducks" was merely a funny way of describing the bureaucratic process.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You are growing increasingly annoyed with popular culture's continued misinterpretation and trivialization of the vampire's point of view.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will experience the sort of pain normally felt only by careless entrants in theWorld's Strongest Man competition.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will successfully avoid being pulled over by burly mustachioed state troopers, thanks to your invention of the Gaydar Detector.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will feel a strange mixture of personal embarrassment and artistic revulsion when you are lampooned by The Capitol Steps.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You were born bearing the burden of original sin, but that has not stopped you from indulging in several hundred derivative types.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your theory regarding governmentmind-control devices is right, except for the part about the tinfoil helmets being an effective way to stop them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The paramedics will be forced to rip you out of your suit and cut off your tie to save you from wearing an absolutely ridiculous suit and tie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You're half right: Heaven does not, in fact, want you, but Hell is not the least bit concerned that you might take over.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You establish a destructive pattern of behavior this week when you discover how much fun it is to destroy things.
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