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Horoscope for the week of April 3, 2002

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of April 3, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon be judged by a jury of your peers, although finding 12 equally drunk bus drivers will not be easy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It turns out the voices in your head that tell you how to behave are called your "conscience" and that listening to them will ruin your career in advertising.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Before this week, you thought "nibbled to death by ducks" was merely a funny way of describing the bureaucratic process.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You are growing increasingly annoyed with popular culture's continued misinterpretation and trivialization of the vampire's point of view.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will experience the sort of pain normally felt only by careless entrants in theWorld's Strongest Man competition.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will successfully avoid being pulled over by burly mustachioed state troopers, thanks to your invention of the Gaydar Detector.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will feel a strange mixture of personal embarrassment and artistic revulsion when you are lampooned by The Capitol Steps.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You were born bearing the burden of original sin, but that has not stopped you from indulging in several hundred derivative types.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your theory regarding governmentmind-control devices is right, except for the part about the tinfoil helmets being an effective way to stop them.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The paramedics will be forced to rip you out of your suit and cut off your tie to save you from wearing an absolutely ridiculous suit and tie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're half right: Heaven does not, in fact, want you, but Hell is not the least bit concerned that you might take over.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You establish a destructive pattern of behavior this week when you discover how much fun it is to destroy things.

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