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Horoscope for the week of April 30, 2003

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of April 30, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everyone needs to believe in something. You, for instance, believe in a omnipotent man who lives in the sky, and that you'll have another beer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It turns out only one in every 200 Americans hates your guts. As you'll soon see, though, that's still quite a mob.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Mars' position in your sign indicates that only hard work and dedication can help you reach your goals. But don't worry: Mars will move by next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've never been a big fan of being hosed down, but next week's non-stop barrage of hosings will give you a chance to change your mind.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will finally develop soft, shiny, touchable hair, just moments before getting hit by a bus--which at first might seem unrelated.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Take a little time this week to think of those closest to you and the possibility that they're the ones behind the assassination attempts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes, you just want to go someplace where nobody knows who you are. Luckily, this is easily accomplished by leaving your house.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The juxtaposition of sexual imagery and Catholic iconography has been done to death, but, hey, it's your personals ad.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll make it obvious whether you value quantity or quality when you live to the age of 113.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon seek in death the peace and tranquility that has eluded you in life. Unfortunately, nobody told you about Six Flags Over Heaven.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Long-established patterns of behavior will not magically change for you this week.

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