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Horoscope for the week of April 30, 2003

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of April 30, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everyone needs to believe in something. You, for instance, believe in a omnipotent man who lives in the sky, and that you'll have another beer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It turns out only one in every 200 Americans hates your guts. As you'll soon see, though, that's still quite a mob.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Mars' position in your sign indicates that only hard work and dedication can help you reach your goals. But don't worry: Mars will move by next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've never been a big fan of being hosed down, but next week's non-stop barrage of hosings will give you a chance to change your mind.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will finally develop soft, shiny, touchable hair, just moments before getting hit by a bus--which at first might seem unrelated.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Take a little time this week to think of those closest to you and the possibility that they're the ones behind the assassination attempts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes, you just want to go someplace where nobody knows who you are. Luckily, this is easily accomplished by leaving your house.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The juxtaposition of sexual imagery and Catholic iconography has been done to death, but, hey, it's your personals ad.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll make it obvious whether you value quantity or quality when you live to the age of 113.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon seek in death the peace and tranquility that has eluded you in life. Unfortunately, nobody told you about Six Flags Over Heaven.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Long-established patterns of behavior will not magically change for you this week.

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