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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Horoscope for the week of April 30, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everyone needs to believe in something. You, for instance, believe in a omnipotent man who lives in the sky, and that you'll have another beer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It turns out only one in every 200 Americans hates your guts. As you'll soon see, though, that's still quite a mob.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Mars' position in your sign indicates that only hard work and dedication can help you reach your goals. But don't worry: Mars will move by next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've never been a big fan of being hosed down, but next week's non-stop barrage of hosings will give you a chance to change your mind.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will finally develop soft, shiny, touchable hair, just moments before getting hit by a bus--which at first might seem unrelated.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Take a little time this week to think of those closest to you and the possibility that they're the ones behind the assassination attempts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes, you just want to go someplace where nobody knows who you are. Luckily, this is easily accomplished by leaving your house.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The juxtaposition of sexual imagery and Catholic iconography has been done to death, but, hey, it's your personals ad.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll make it obvious whether you value quantity or quality when you live to the age of 113.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon seek in death the peace and tranquility that has eluded you in life. Unfortunately, nobody told you about Six Flags Over Heaven.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Long-established patterns of behavior will not magically change for you this week.

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