Horoscope for the week of April 30, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 16

Chimp Study On Human-Evasion Response To Feces-Hurling Nearly Complete

MADISON, WI—Chimpanzees at the University of Wisconsin's Primate Laboratory are nearing completion of a two-year study on human-evasion response to hurled feces, sources reported Tuesday. "Our research shows that Homo sapiens experience extreme agitation and an urge to flee when pelted with baseball-sized lumps of primate scat," said Dr. Jingles, speaking from his research cage. "In 10 out of 10 cases, our test subjects retreated to the far corner of the room and screamed, 'Stop! Stop! AIIIIGH!'" Dr. Jingles first made his mark in science in 1993, when he earned a Nobel Prize for conclusively proving the deliciousness of bananas.

Horse-Race Announcer Clearly Had Money on 'Little Dancer'

LOUISVILLE, KY—Judging by his call of Tuesday's third race at Churchill Downs, thoroughbred-race announcer Pat Ellis clearly had money on Little Dancer. "In the rear, trailing by 11 lengths, it's Little Dancer," said Ellis over Churchill Downs' public-address system. "Little Dancer not responding to the fast track like a lot of people insisted she would." Calling the race's exciting photo-finish between Indian Express and Kingston Kid, Ellis said: "And down the stretch they come! Indian Express and Kingston Kid neck and neck! Goddammit."

Family Embarrassed By Way Son Died

SAN ANGELO, TX—The parents and siblings of Cris Aulter, 25, expressed deep shame and embarrassment Tuesday over his accidental death from autoerotic asphyxiation. "I cannot express how deeply mortified I am," said John Aulter, 52, the boy's father. "I mean, where in the world did Cris get the idea to suffocate himself while jerking off? How will I ever show my face around the office again?" Aulter said he plans to tell friends and coworkers that his son was hit by a car.

Restaurant Patron Seeking Corroboration That Soda Is Not Diet

WAYLAND, NY—While eating lunch at the Back Porch Cafe Monday, a suspicious Diane Rollo, 43, sought confirmation from her lunch companions that the beverage in her glass was regular Coke and not diet. "Does this taste like diet to you?" asked Rollo, who ordered a Diet Coke, before handing the drink to Liz Lauderdorf. "This tastes like regular to me." After passing the drink to two other people at the table for sampling, Rollo said she was "70 percent sure" the soda was regular and sent it back.

I've Got To Stop Taking Lives So Seriously

I like to think of myself as a pretty happy person, but sometimes I'm a little too hard on myself. It's only natural to want to do the best job you can, but often, I'll get so caught up in the moment that I forget that slaughtering innocent people is supposed to be fun. I really need to stop taking lives so seriously.

The New York City Budget Crisis

With a deficit o $3.8 billion, New York is facing its worst fiscal crisis in three decades. How is Mayor Bloomberg making up for the shortfall?

The Dixie Chicks Controversy

The members of Dixie Chicks have been the focus of boycotts ever since saying they are ashamed to hail from the same state as President Bush. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Horoscope for the week of April 30, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    Everyone needs to believe in something. You, for instance, believe in a omnipotent man who lives in the sky, and that you'll have another beer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It turns out only one in every 200 Americans hates your guts. As you'll soon see, though, that's still quite a mob.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Mars' position in your sign indicates that only hard work and dedication can help you reach your goals. But don't worry: Mars will move by next week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You've never been a big fan of being hosed down, but next week's non-stop barrage of hosings will give you a chance to change your mind.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will finally develop soft, shiny, touchable hair, just moments before getting hit by a bus--which at first might seem unrelated.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Take a little time this week to think of those closest to you and the possibility that they're the ones behind the assassination attempts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Sometimes, you just want to go someplace where nobody knows who you are. Luckily, this is easily accomplished by leaving your house.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The juxtaposition of sexual imagery and Catholic iconography has been done to death, but, hey, it's your personals ad.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll make it obvious whether you value quantity or quality when you live to the age of 113.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will soon seek in death the peace and tranquility that has eluded you in life. Unfortunately, nobody told you about Six Flags Over Heaven.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Long-established patterns of behavior will not magically change for you this week.
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