Aries | March 21 to April 19
Everyone needs to believe in something. You, for instance, believe in a omnipotent man who lives in the sky, and that you'll have another beer.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It turns out only one in every 200 Americans hates your guts. As you'll soon see, though, that's still quite a mob.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Mars' position in your sign indicates that only hard work and dedication can help you reach your goals. But don't worry: Mars will move by next week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You've never been a big fan of being hosed down, but next week's non-stop barrage of hosings will give you a chance to change your mind.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will finally develop soft, shiny, touchable hair, just moments before getting hit by a bus--which at first might seem unrelated.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Take a little time this week to think of those closest to you and the possibility that they're the ones behind the assassination attempts.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Sometimes, you just want to go someplace where nobody knows who you are. Luckily, this is easily accomplished by leaving your house.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The juxtaposition of sexual imagery and Catholic iconography has been done to death, but, hey, it's your personals ad.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll make it obvious whether you value quantity or quality when you live to the age of 113.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will soon seek in death the peace and tranquility that has eluded you in life. Unfortunately, nobody told you about Six Flags Over Heaven.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Long-established patterns of behavior will not magically change for you this week.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION