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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of April 5, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You are loyal, friendly, and an excellent companion. This is not because you are an Aries, but because you are a purebred Sealyham Terrier.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try to take the long view: No matter how bad things are right now, you'll be dead in a hundred years.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will enjoy a brief moment of national exposure when Fox launches its new series, Geminis Caught On Tape!
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Be careful what you wish for this week. You won't get it, but it never hurts to be careful.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are a person who marches to the beat of thousands of identical drummers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be forced to wrest control of your life from others next week. Until then, stay home and practice your wresting.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will expand your consciousness to encompass the Music Of The Spheres, only to realize it consists entirely of circus marches.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be faced with a cosmic revelation which you are unable to fully comprehend. Don't worry, though: You can always rent it again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars, arranged as they are in a portentous and mystic combination existing only at this precise moment in time, indicate that this is not a good week to start new projects.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try harder to make yourself understood by others this week by speaking louder and more slowly.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is no time to sit idly by and let others exercise their will over you, but that's exactly what you'll do.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Not everyone harbors a feeling of icy hatred towards you. Some people's hatred is actually quite fiery.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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