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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of April 5, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You are loyal, friendly, and an excellent companion. This is not because you are an Aries, but because you are a purebred Sealyham Terrier.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try to take the long view: No matter how bad things are right now, you'll be dead in a hundred years.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will enjoy a brief moment of national exposure when Fox launches its new series, Geminis Caught On Tape!
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Be careful what you wish for this week. You won't get it, but it never hurts to be careful.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are a person who marches to the beat of thousands of identical drummers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be forced to wrest control of your life from others next week. Until then, stay home and practice your wresting.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will expand your consciousness to encompass the Music Of The Spheres, only to realize it consists entirely of circus marches.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be faced with a cosmic revelation which you are unable to fully comprehend. Don't worry, though: You can always rent it again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars, arranged as they are in a portentous and mystic combination existing only at this precise moment in time, indicate that this is not a good week to start new projects.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try harder to make yourself understood by others this week by speaking louder and more slowly.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is no time to sit idly by and let others exercise their will over you, but that's exactly what you'll do.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Not everyone harbors a feeling of icy hatred towards you. Some people's hatred is actually quite fiery.

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