Horoscope for the week of April 5, 2000

Top Headlines

Recent News

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Horoscope for the week of April 5, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You are loyal, friendly, and an excellent companion. This is not because you are an Aries, but because you are a purebred Sealyham Terrier.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try to take the long view: No matter how bad things are right now, you'll be dead in a hundred years.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will enjoy a brief moment of national exposure when Fox launches its new series, Geminis Caught On Tape!
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Be careful what you wish for this week. You won't get it, but it never hurts to be careful.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are a person who marches to the beat of thousands of identical drummers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be forced to wrest control of your life from others next week. Until then, stay home and practice your wresting.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will expand your consciousness to encompass the Music Of The Spheres, only to realize it consists entirely of circus marches.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be faced with a cosmic revelation which you are unable to fully comprehend. Don't worry, though: You can always rent it again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars, arranged as they are in a portentous and mystic combination existing only at this precise moment in time, indicate that this is not a good week to start new projects.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try harder to make yourself understood by others this week by speaking louder and more slowly.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is no time to sit idly by and let others exercise their will over you, but that's exactly what you'll do.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Not everyone harbors a feeling of icy hatred towards you. Some people's hatred is actually quite fiery.