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Horoscope for the week of April 5, 2000

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What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
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Horoscope for the week of April 5, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You are loyal, friendly, and an excellent companion. This is not because you are an Aries, but because you are a purebred Sealyham Terrier.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try to take the long view: No matter how bad things are right now, you'll be dead in a hundred years.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will enjoy a brief moment of national exposure when Fox launches its new series, Geminis Caught On Tape!
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Be careful what you wish for this week. You won't get it, but it never hurts to be careful.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are a person who marches to the beat of thousands of identical drummers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be forced to wrest control of your life from others next week. Until then, stay home and practice your wresting.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will expand your consciousness to encompass the Music Of The Spheres, only to realize it consists entirely of circus marches.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be faced with a cosmic revelation which you are unable to fully comprehend. Don't worry, though: You can always rent it again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars, arranged as they are in a portentous and mystic combination existing only at this precise moment in time, indicate that this is not a good week to start new projects.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try harder to make yourself understood by others this week by speaking louder and more slowly.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is no time to sit idly by and let others exercise their will over you, but that's exactly what you'll do.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Not everyone harbors a feeling of icy hatred towards you. Some people's hatred is actually quite fiery.

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