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Horoscope for the week of April 6, 2005

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of April 6, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your stance on the health-care crisis tends to be rather conservative, but for the next few months, it will be heavily influenced by the steel bar protruding from your ribs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Immortality of a sort is yours when your photo becomes one of the most resonant images of this century, with millions appreciating the late light, your beatific expression, and the butterflies fluttering in and out of your bullet wounds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always thought that your tendency to ask a lot of questions about the local culture was appreciated, but judging by the flames licking at your body and the tightness of the ropes, it seems you might have been mistaken.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've never been more internally conflicted than you'll be next Wednesday, when a choice of three desserts reveals what a shallow person you are.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You don't seem to have as much energy and endurance as you used to—that is, if the little row of charge-indicator LEDs on your chest can be trusted.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Even if you can't help your snoring, you should do more to respect the anger of the rest of the Chicago Philharmonic.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Modern design continues to exert too much influence on your life, as you'll soon be available in six hot new colors, in addition to classic brushed aluminum.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Hope can sustain a person through excruciating personal trials, but unfortunately, there's no real reason to believe that the new Star Wars movie will be tolerable.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You never thought you feared change all that much, but that's before the temperature started varying by about 100 degrees Fahrenheit every minute or so.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The quite understandable fear of conquering hive-minds will grow to a fever pitch this week when it's revealed that one in five Americans is a component of you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your idea was brilliantly executed, but even in today's instant-gratification culture, you won't sell more than a few dozen copies of Learn Rock Guitar In 45 Seconds.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars forecast a great deal of upheaval and turmoil in your future, especially if you do not return their frickin' celestial hedge trimmer tout de suite.

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