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Horoscope for the week of April 6, 2005

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 6, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your stance on the health-care crisis tends to be rather conservative, but for the next few months, it will be heavily influenced by the steel bar protruding from your ribs.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Immortality of a sort is yours when your photo becomes one of the most resonant images of this century, with millions appreciating the late light, your beatific expression, and the butterflies fluttering in and out of your bullet wounds.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always thought that your tendency to ask a lot of questions about the local culture was appreciated, but judging by the flames licking at your body and the tightness of the ropes, it seems you might have been mistaken.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've never been more internally conflicted than you'll be next Wednesday, when a choice of three desserts reveals what a shallow person you are.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You don't seem to have as much energy and endurance as you used to—that is, if the little row of charge-indicator LEDs on your chest can be trusted.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Even if you can't help your snoring, you should do more to respect the anger of the rest of the Chicago Philharmonic.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Modern design continues to exert too much influence on your life, as you'll soon be available in six hot new colors, in addition to classic brushed aluminum.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Hope can sustain a person through excruciating personal trials, but unfortunately, there's no real reason to believe that the new Star Wars movie will be tolerable.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You never thought you feared change all that much, but that's before the temperature started varying by about 100 degrees Fahrenheit every minute or so.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The quite understandable fear of conquering hive-minds will grow to a fever pitch this week when it's revealed that one in five Americans is a component of you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your idea was brilliantly executed, but even in today's instant-gratification culture, you won't sell more than a few dozen copies of Learn Rock Guitar In 45 Seconds.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars forecast a great deal of upheaval and turmoil in your future, especially if you do not return their frickin' celestial hedge trimmer tout de suite.

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