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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of April 7, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's not that people won’t care when they see you get hit by a bus. It's just that they know an attention-getting ploy when they see one.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Experts are still unable to adequately explain to you the difference between Ed Begley and Ed Begley Jr.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sadly, your best efforts to find a second effective cat-skinning method will prove futile.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't let winning the tri-county area’s top prize for collating provide you with some sort of reason to live.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Despite what the stars said last week, no one misses you now that you’re dead.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Carry a 50-gallon drum of leaf lard with you everywhere this week. Really. This isn’t like that time you were told to wear a pink raccoon coat and stay awake for 10 days. Honest. Virgo promises.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars say you will soon face an important business decision. Many of them do, anyway. There are about 100 billion of them, you know, and they don’t always agree.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    God does hear your prayers, but He asks you to please tone them down a bit, as they keep Him up nights.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will wake up in a strange bed yet again this Sunday. Consider buying a more mundane bed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You begin to see things differently this week when your eyes snap into focus for the very first time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You can plainly see why they call that guy Happy Gilmore, as he does appear to be very happy, indeed.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces would tell you the winning lottery numbers for this week, but you probably wouldn't recognize any of them.

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