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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscope for the week of April 7, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's not that people won’t care when they see you get hit by a bus. It's just that they know an attention-getting ploy when they see one.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Experts are still unable to adequately explain to you the difference between Ed Begley and Ed Begley Jr.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sadly, your best efforts to find a second effective cat-skinning method will prove futile.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't let winning the tri-county area’s top prize for collating provide you with some sort of reason to live.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Despite what the stars said last week, no one misses you now that you’re dead.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Carry a 50-gallon drum of leaf lard with you everywhere this week. Really. This isn’t like that time you were told to wear a pink raccoon coat and stay awake for 10 days. Honest. Virgo promises.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars say you will soon face an important business decision. Many of them do, anyway. There are about 100 billion of them, you know, and they don’t always agree.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    God does hear your prayers, but He asks you to please tone them down a bit, as they keep Him up nights.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will wake up in a strange bed yet again this Sunday. Consider buying a more mundane bed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You begin to see things differently this week when your eyes snap into focus for the very first time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You can plainly see why they call that guy Happy Gilmore, as he does appear to be very happy, indeed.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces would tell you the winning lottery numbers for this week, but you probably wouldn't recognize any of them.
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