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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Horoscope for the week of April 7, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's not that people won’t care when they see you get hit by a bus. It's just that they know an attention-getting ploy when they see one.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Experts are still unable to adequately explain to you the difference between Ed Begley and Ed Begley Jr.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sadly, your best efforts to find a second effective cat-skinning method will prove futile.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't let winning the tri-county area’s top prize for collating provide you with some sort of reason to live.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Despite what the stars said last week, no one misses you now that you’re dead.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Carry a 50-gallon drum of leaf lard with you everywhere this week. Really. This isn’t like that time you were told to wear a pink raccoon coat and stay awake for 10 days. Honest. Virgo promises.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars say you will soon face an important business decision. Many of them do, anyway. There are about 100 billion of them, you know, and they don’t always agree.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    God does hear your prayers, but He asks you to please tone them down a bit, as they keep Him up nights.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will wake up in a strange bed yet again this Sunday. Consider buying a more mundane bed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You begin to see things differently this week when your eyes snap into focus for the very first time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You can plainly see why they call that guy Happy Gilmore, as he does appear to be very happy, indeed.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces would tell you the winning lottery numbers for this week, but you probably wouldn't recognize any of them.

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