Horoscope for the week of April 7, 1999

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Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime
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Horoscope for the week of April 7, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's not that people won’t care when they see you get hit by a bus. It's just that they know an attention-getting ploy when they see one.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Experts are still unable to adequately explain to you the difference between Ed Begley and Ed Begley Jr.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sadly, your best efforts to find a second effective cat-skinning method will prove futile.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't let winning the tri-county area’s top prize for collating provide you with some sort of reason to live.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Despite what the stars said last week, no one misses you now that you’re dead.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Carry a 50-gallon drum of leaf lard with you everywhere this week. Really. This isn’t like that time you were told to wear a pink raccoon coat and stay awake for 10 days. Honest. Virgo promises.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars say you will soon face an important business decision. Many of them do, anyway. There are about 100 billion of them, you know, and they don’t always agree.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    God does hear your prayers, but He asks you to please tone them down a bit, as they keep Him up nights.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will wake up in a strange bed yet again this Sunday. Consider buying a more mundane bed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You begin to see things differently this week when your eyes snap into focus for the very first time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You can plainly see why they call that guy Happy Gilmore, as he does appear to be very happy, indeed.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces would tell you the winning lottery numbers for this week, but you probably wouldn't recognize any of them.


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