Horoscope for the week of April 7, 1999

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Vol 35 Issue 13

Clinton Pours Malt Liquor On Ground For Dead Homies

WASHINGTON, DC—At a moving Rose Garden ceremony Monday, President Clinton poured a 40-ounce bottle of King Cobra malt liquor on the ground in honor of his dead homies. "Ron Brown, Vince Foster, James McDougal... y'all be my niggaz, and I will mourn you until I join you," Clinton said. "And to all my other policy advisors, cabinet members and business partners who didn't make it, I will see you at tha crossroads." Clinton then kissed two of his fingertips and extended them outward in a peace gesture.

Despite Claims, Long Story Not Made Short

SCHENECTADY, NY—Contrary to her pre-account vow, area resident Barb Schuyler's long story of how a series of cashier foul-ups at the grocery store Monday made her 25 minutes late for a dental appointment was not made short. "So then, it turns out the stupid woman forgot to ring in my Savers Club discount," Schuyler said to friend Gloria Conlon nine minutes into the non-abbreviated tale. The story is the 1,643rd Schuyler has failed to make short since 1994.

Van's Rocking Motion Discourages Would-Be Knocker

YUMA, AZ—The steady, back-and-forth motions of a 1979 Ford Econoline van sent "a clear message" to local resident Paul Dunne Monday, discouraging him from knocking. "I needed a jump-start for my car, and the closest vehicle was this van," Dunne said. "I was about to knock on the back window, but when I noticed that the van was clearly rocking, I didn't bother." Dunne instead received assistance from an adjacent, non-rocking vehicle.

Salvation Air Force Collecting Used Planes In Your Area

ALEXANDRIA, VA—The Salvation Air Force put out an urgent call to U.S. aviators Monday, urging them to bring any used or unwanted aircraft to their nearest Salvation Air Force location. "We desperately need all manner of jets, biplanes, helicopters, hot-air balloons, zeppelins and autogyros," said Salvation Air Force national commander Denise Puhl, who added that if a building is closed, aircraft can be left in the drop bin outside.

Connect Four-Playing Sis Pretty Sneaky

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Losing Connect Four player Tony Franck denounced his sis as "pretty sneaky" following her diagonal connection of four during a kitchen-table match Tuesday. "I realize that the rules allow for a diagonal arrangement of four checkers, and I fully concede victory to my sis and acknowledge her four-connecting prowess," Franck said following the match. "Still, I maintain that a significant measure of sneakiness was key to her victory." Franck next plans to attend the U.S. Stay Alive™ Championship Tournament in Hilo, HI, vowing, "I will be the sole survivor."

The 10K Dow

On March 29, the Dow Jones made history, closing above 10,000 points for the first time ever. What do you think about Wall Street's unprecedented vigor?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 7, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    It's not that people won’t care when they see you get hit by a bus. It's just that they know an attention-getting ploy when they see one.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Experts are still unable to adequately explain to you the difference between Ed Begley and Ed Begley Jr.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Sadly, your best efforts to find a second effective cat-skinning method will prove futile.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Don't let winning the tri-county area’s top prize for collating provide you with some sort of reason to live.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Despite what the stars said last week, no one misses you now that you’re dead.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Carry a 50-gallon drum of leaf lard with you everywhere this week. Really. This isn’t like that time you were told to wear a pink raccoon coat and stay awake for 10 days. Honest. Virgo promises.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The stars say you will soon face an important business decision. Many of them do, anyway. There are about 100 billion of them, you know, and they don’t always agree.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    God does hear your prayers, but He asks you to please tone them down a bit, as they keep Him up nights.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will wake up in a strange bed yet again this Sunday. Consider buying a more mundane bed.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You begin to see things differently this week when your eyes snap into focus for the very first time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You can plainly see why they call that guy Happy Gilmore, as he does appear to be very happy, indeed.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Pisces would tell you the winning lottery numbers for this week, but you probably wouldn't recognize any of them.
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