Aries | March 21 to April 19
Tonight, take a moment to say a few words in honor of the brave deliveryman who died bringing hot, delicious pizza to your House Of Knives.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your weight may be too high, but that's no reason for the police to describe what will happen to you as a triple homicide.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
There hasn't been a stampeding death in your area in more than a century, but your air horn and steer costume will change all that.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
This week is a good one for romance in the workplace, and an even better one for necromancy in the breakroom.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
As a defiler of famous authors' graves, you must agree that if Dorothy Parker were dug up and laid end to end, you wouldn't be a bit surprised.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Horrible, six-mawed creatures from beyond time and space won't let you have a chance at the million-dollar prize unless you buy their magazines.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
One man's ball sweat is another man's enchanting musk. Find out exactly who these men are, tonight on News At 10.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your feeble constitution is noted once again when you enter the hospital after being savagely beaten at checkers.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You've said that none of those people would've died, if only they had let you live your own life. But, come on, you know that isn't true.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Television taunts you once again, this time with a show where convicted felons get to have puppies even though you don't.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A bad experience with free jazz, indirect mood lighting, and spiritual possession will show you that there's a right way and wrong way to commune with the infinite.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars apologize for the temporary and unavoidable delay. Your life will resume its accelerating downward spiral within moments.
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