Horoscope for the week of April 7, 2004

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 7, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Tonight, take a moment to say a few words in honor of the brave deliveryman who died bringing hot, delicious pizza to your House Of Knives.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your weight may be too high, but that's no reason for the police to describe what will happen to you as a triple homicide.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There hasn't been a stampeding death in your area in more than a century, but your air horn and steer costume will change all that.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week is a good one for romance in the workplace, and an even better one for necromancy in the breakroom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As a defiler of famous authors' graves, you must agree that if Dorothy Parker were dug up and laid end to end, you wouldn't be a bit surprised.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Horrible, six-mawed creatures from beyond time and space won't let you have a chance at the million-dollar prize unless you buy their magazines.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    One man's ball sweat is another man's enchanting musk. Find out exactly who these men are, tonight on News At 10.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your feeble constitution is noted once again when you enter the hospital after being savagely beaten at checkers.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've said that none of those people would've died, if only they had let you live your own life. But, come on, you know that isn't true.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Television taunts you once again, this time with a show where convicted felons get to have puppies even though you don't.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A bad experience with free jazz, indirect mood lighting, and spiritual possession will show you that there's a right way and wrong way to commune with the infinite.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars apologize for the temporary and unavoidable delay. Your life will resume its accelerating downward spiral within moments.