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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of April 7, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Tonight, take a moment to say a few words in honor of the brave deliveryman who died bringing hot, delicious pizza to your House Of Knives.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your weight may be too high, but that's no reason for the police to describe what will happen to you as a triple homicide.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There hasn't been a stampeding death in your area in more than a century, but your air horn and steer costume will change all that.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week is a good one for romance in the workplace, and an even better one for necromancy in the breakroom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As a defiler of famous authors' graves, you must agree that if Dorothy Parker were dug up and laid end to end, you wouldn't be a bit surprised.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Horrible, six-mawed creatures from beyond time and space won't let you have a chance at the million-dollar prize unless you buy their magazines.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    One man's ball sweat is another man's enchanting musk. Find out exactly who these men are, tonight on News At 10.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your feeble constitution is noted once again when you enter the hospital after being savagely beaten at checkers.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've said that none of those people would've died, if only they had let you live your own life. But, come on, you know that isn't true.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Television taunts you once again, this time with a show where convicted felons get to have puppies even though you don't.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A bad experience with free jazz, indirect mood lighting, and spiritual possession will show you that there's a right way and wrong way to commune with the infinite.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars apologize for the temporary and unavoidable delay. Your life will resume its accelerating downward spiral within moments.

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