Horoscope for the week of April 7, 2004

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 7, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Tonight, take a moment to say a few words in honor of the brave deliveryman who died bringing hot, delicious pizza to your House Of Knives.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your weight may be too high, but that's no reason for the police to describe what will happen to you as a triple homicide.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There hasn't been a stampeding death in your area in more than a century, but your air horn and steer costume will change all that.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week is a good one for romance in the workplace, and an even better one for necromancy in the breakroom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As a defiler of famous authors' graves, you must agree that if Dorothy Parker were dug up and laid end to end, you wouldn't be a bit surprised.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Horrible, six-mawed creatures from beyond time and space won't let you have a chance at the million-dollar prize unless you buy their magazines.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    One man's ball sweat is another man's enchanting musk. Find out exactly who these men are, tonight on News At 10.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your feeble constitution is noted once again when you enter the hospital after being savagely beaten at checkers.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've said that none of those people would've died, if only they had let you live your own life. But, come on, you know that isn't true.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Television taunts you once again, this time with a show where convicted felons get to have puppies even though you don't.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A bad experience with free jazz, indirect mood lighting, and spiritual possession will show you that there's a right way and wrong way to commune with the infinite.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars apologize for the temporary and unavoidable delay. Your life will resume its accelerating downward spiral within moments.