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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Horoscope for the week of April 7, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Tonight, take a moment to say a few words in honor of the brave deliveryman who died bringing hot, delicious pizza to your House Of Knives.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your weight may be too high, but that's no reason for the police to describe what will happen to you as a triple homicide.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There hasn't been a stampeding death in your area in more than a century, but your air horn and steer costume will change all that.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week is a good one for romance in the workplace, and an even better one for necromancy in the breakroom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    As a defiler of famous authors' graves, you must agree that if Dorothy Parker were dug up and laid end to end, you wouldn't be a bit surprised.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Horrible, six-mawed creatures from beyond time and space won't let you have a chance at the million-dollar prize unless you buy their magazines.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    One man's ball sweat is another man's enchanting musk. Find out exactly who these men are, tonight on News At 10.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your feeble constitution is noted once again when you enter the hospital after being savagely beaten at checkers.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've said that none of those people would've died, if only they had let you live your own life. But, come on, you know that isn't true.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Television taunts you once again, this time with a show where convicted felons get to have puppies even though you don't.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A bad experience with free jazz, indirect mood lighting, and spiritual possession will show you that there's a right way and wrong way to commune with the infinite.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars apologize for the temporary and unavoidable delay. Your life will resume its accelerating downward spiral within moments.

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