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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of April 8, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A dark, mysterious stranger will enter your life and engage you in a brief, torrid romance before gaining 300 pounds and succumbing to heroin addiction.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon be forced to choose between accepting yourself as a homosexual and spending every day of your life consumed by deep shame and self-loathing. Be sure to consult your pastor.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your new career in cat breeding fails miserably when you find you are unable to stop yourself from crushing the tiny little kittens in your fists.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will plummet 10,000 feet to your death after failing to heed the advice of your sex counselor and using a non-water-based anal lubricant.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Light from the constellation Leo has travelled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you not to begin a diet this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The young, single people in your town have banded together to prove that they can out-love the singles in the next town. Your name will not come up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After 10 years of infidelity, your spouse will finally stop cheating on you this week, bringing your twisted love life to a screeching halt.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will learn the hard way that the new management of your store frowns upon All-Nude 40 Percent Off Day.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Strange, humiliating, highly publicized events in your life will inspire Entertainment Weekly to dub you "The Next Rick Moranis."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will achieve a lifelong goal when you visit a magic show and are chosen as a volunteer from the audience.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will win the Nobel Prize for Literature after writing the world’s most poignant birthday card.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You think that Andrew guy is finally gone, but you wake from a sound sleep to find him reading you bedtime stories.

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