Aries | March 21 to April 19
A dark, mysterious stranger will enter your life and engage you in a brief, torrid romance before gaining 300 pounds and succumbing to heroin addiction.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will soon be forced to choose between accepting yourself as a homosexual and spending every day of your life consumed by deep shame and self-loathing. Be sure to consult your pastor.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your new career in cat breeding fails miserably when you find you are unable to stop yourself from crushing the tiny little kittens in your fists.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will plummet 10,000 feet to your death after failing to heed the advice of your sex counselor and using a non-water-based anal lubricant.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Light from the constellation Leo has travelled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you not to begin a diet this week.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The young, single people in your town have banded together to prove that they can out-love the singles in the next town. Your name will not come up.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After 10 years of infidelity, your spouse will finally stop cheating on you this week, bringing your twisted love life to a screeching halt.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will learn the hard way that the new management of your store frowns upon All-Nude 40 Percent Off Day.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Strange, humiliating, highly publicized events in your life will inspire Entertainment Weekly to dub you "The Next Rick Moranis."
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will achieve a lifelong goal when you visit a magic show and are chosen as a volunteer from the audience.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will win the Nobel Prize for Literature after writing the world’s most poignant birthday card.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You think that Andrew guy is finally gone, but you wake from a sound sleep to find him reading you bedtime stories.
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