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Horoscope for the week of April 8, 1998

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of April 8, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A dark, mysterious stranger will enter your life and engage you in a brief, torrid romance before gaining 300 pounds and succumbing to heroin addiction.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon be forced to choose between accepting yourself as a homosexual and spending every day of your life consumed by deep shame and self-loathing. Be sure to consult your pastor.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your new career in cat breeding fails miserably when you find you are unable to stop yourself from crushing the tiny little kittens in your fists.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will plummet 10,000 feet to your death after failing to heed the advice of your sex counselor and using a non-water-based anal lubricant.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Light from the constellation Leo has travelled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you not to begin a diet this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The young, single people in your town have banded together to prove that they can out-love the singles in the next town. Your name will not come up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After 10 years of infidelity, your spouse will finally stop cheating on you this week, bringing your twisted love life to a screeching halt.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will learn the hard way that the new management of your store frowns upon All-Nude 40 Percent Off Day.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Strange, humiliating, highly publicized events in your life will inspire Entertainment Weekly to dub you "The Next Rick Moranis."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will achieve a lifelong goal when you visit a magic show and are chosen as a volunteer from the audience.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will win the Nobel Prize for Literature after writing the world’s most poignant birthday card.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You think that Andrew guy is finally gone, but you wake from a sound sleep to find him reading you bedtime stories.

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