Horoscope for the week of April 8, 1998

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Horoscope for the week of April 8, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A dark, mysterious stranger will enter your life and engage you in a brief, torrid romance before gaining 300 pounds and succumbing to heroin addiction.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will soon be forced to choose between accepting yourself as a homosexual and spending every day of your life consumed by deep shame and self-loathing. Be sure to consult your pastor.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your new career in cat breeding fails miserably when you find you are unable to stop yourself from crushing the tiny little kittens in your fists.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will plummet 10,000 feet to your death after failing to heed the advice of your sex counselor and using a non-water-based anal lubricant.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Light from the constellation Leo has travelled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you not to begin a diet this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The young, single people in your town have banded together to prove that they can out-love the singles in the next town. Your name will not come up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After 10 years of infidelity, your spouse will finally stop cheating on you this week, bringing your twisted love life to a screeching halt.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will learn the hard way that the new management of your store frowns upon All-Nude 40 Percent Off Day.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Strange, humiliating, highly publicized events in your life will inspire Entertainment Weekly to dub you "The Next Rick Moranis."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will achieve a lifelong goal when you visit a magic show and are chosen as a volunteer from the audience.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will win the Nobel Prize for Literature after writing the world’s most poignant birthday card.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You think that Andrew guy is finally gone, but you wake from a sound sleep to find him reading you bedtime stories.