Horoscope for the week of April 9, 1997

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Vol 31 Issue 13

Woman Injured In Hostile Makeover

NEW YORK—Area resident Julie Milner is in stable condition following a hostile makeover Monday. According to witnesses, Milner was looking at mascara at the Elizabeth Arden cosmetics counter at Macy's when several salespeople violently descended upon her, applying thick coats of rouge and eye shadow until she fell unconscious. "It was horrible," witness Stacie Hull said. "They had her in autumn colors, and she was obviously a winter."

Congress Raises Killing Age To 19

WASHINGTON, DC—Making good on a promise to curb juvenile crime, Congress passed legislation Monday making it illegal for anyone under 19 to commit murder. "If you kill someone, your parents will be notified and you may even spend time in jail," said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS). Previously, murderers as young as 14, depending on state of residence, were considered to be acting within the law. President Clinton approved the bill, though he had recently threatened to veto it if youths between 16 and 19 were not granted certain killing privileges with parental consent.

Police Sketch Artist Admits To Only Drawing People Who Have Wronged Him

HOUSTON—Dozens of wrongful arrests were brought to light Saturday, as longtime Houston Police Department sketch artist Daniel Lampert confessed that for years he had used his artistic skill to indict innocent people who had angered him. "Remember that serial rapist eight years ago? That was a sketch of my neighbor," Lampert told reporters. "Son of a bitch wouldn't leash his dog." Lampert also revealed that Houston's notorious heroin kingpin Brad Manning, arrested hours after his sketch was completed, stole Lampert's girlfriend in college. "Jerk thought he was so big," Lampert said. "Showed him."

Indonesian Nine-Year-Old Loves To Volunteer

SURABAYA, INDONESIA—They don't come much more dedicated than nine-year-old Sibu Sandakan. Unlike most boys his age, who would rather spend their free time skateboarding or hanging out at the mall, this generous youngster spends every chance he gets doing volunteer work.

The McVeigh Trial

With the Oklahoma City bombing trial about to begin, many observers are questioning whether defendant Timothy McVeigh—the subject of intense media scrutiny for nearly two years—can get a fair trial before an unbiased jury. What do you think?

High-Definition Television Promises Sharper Crap

WASHINGTON, DC—In the most dramatic leap in television technology since the advent of color in the 1950s, on Monday the FCC approved a 10-year plan to shift to digital, high-definition TV, technology which will make barely watchable crap far sharper and more detailed than ever before.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Personal Finance

Horoscope for the week of April 9, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your dyslexia ruins your enjoyment of origami when you repeatedly attempt and fail to unfold a crane into a piece of paper.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your attempt to use pornography to fill the void in your passionless marriage backfires when all the skin mags you buy feature 12-page color spreads of your wife.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your recent mishap with a bottle of vodka, a 50-gallon drum of turpentine, a Zippo, and a busload of orphans will inspire a very special episode of Baywatch.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your search for the ultimate in nudity will finally end this week when you discover a special German-made electric razor which shaves off skin and muscle.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will be overcome by lust in the middle of the workday, forcing yourself upon the nearest piece of warm flesh. Fortunately, though, you are a self-employed veterinarian.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will be both flattered and threatened by a report in The New York Times linking the assassinations of John and Robert Kennedy to your fat ass.
  • Libra

    Libra

    A tall, dark stranger will appear to you in a dream, look tenderly into your eyes and extol the virtues of Pall Mall cigarettes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Now that fur is no longer in vogue, you should stop making trophy jackets from the scalps of your enemies.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    After years of searching, you will finally achieve your life's goal by tracking down the cunning and elusive Jan-Michael Vincent.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will lose your lifelong faith in the powers of duct tape and staples when they fail to mend your broken heart.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    After years of being a contented Buddhist, you will discover a superior spiritual path hidden within the lyrics of Styx's "Come Sail Away."
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    After picking salt shakers out of your feet for the thousandth time, you finally decide to give up table dancing for good.
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