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Horoscope for the week of April 9, 1997

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of April 9, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your dyslexia ruins your enjoyment of origami when you repeatedly attempt and fail to unfold a crane into a piece of paper.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your attempt to use pornography to fill the void in your passionless marriage backfires when all the skin mags you buy feature 12-page color spreads of your wife.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your recent mishap with a bottle of vodka, a 50-gallon drum of turpentine, a Zippo, and a busload of orphans will inspire a very special episode of Baywatch.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your search for the ultimate in nudity will finally end this week when you discover a special German-made electric razor which shaves off skin and muscle.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be overcome by lust in the middle of the workday, forcing yourself upon the nearest piece of warm flesh. Fortunately, though, you are a self-employed veterinarian.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be both flattered and threatened by a report in The New York Times linking the assassinations of John and Robert Kennedy to your fat ass.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A tall, dark stranger will appear to you in a dream, look tenderly into your eyes and extol the virtues of Pall Mall cigarettes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Now that fur is no longer in vogue, you should stop making trophy jackets from the scalps of your enemies.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After years of searching, you will finally achieve your life's goal by tracking down the cunning and elusive Jan-Michael Vincent.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will lose your lifelong faith in the powers of duct tape and staples when they fail to mend your broken heart.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After years of being a contented Buddhist, you will discover a superior spiritual path hidden within the lyrics of Styx's "Come Sail Away."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After picking salt shakers out of your feet for the thousandth time, you finally decide to give up table dancing for good.

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