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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Horoscope for the week of April 9, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your dyslexia ruins your enjoyment of origami when you repeatedly attempt and fail to unfold a crane into a piece of paper.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your attempt to use pornography to fill the void in your passionless marriage backfires when all the skin mags you buy feature 12-page color spreads of your wife.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your recent mishap with a bottle of vodka, a 50-gallon drum of turpentine, a Zippo, and a busload of orphans will inspire a very special episode of Baywatch.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your search for the ultimate in nudity will finally end this week when you discover a special German-made electric razor which shaves off skin and muscle.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be overcome by lust in the middle of the workday, forcing yourself upon the nearest piece of warm flesh. Fortunately, though, you are a self-employed veterinarian.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be both flattered and threatened by a report in The New York Times linking the assassinations of John and Robert Kennedy to your fat ass.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A tall, dark stranger will appear to you in a dream, look tenderly into your eyes and extol the virtues of Pall Mall cigarettes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Now that fur is no longer in vogue, you should stop making trophy jackets from the scalps of your enemies.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After years of searching, you will finally achieve your life's goal by tracking down the cunning and elusive Jan-Michael Vincent.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will lose your lifelong faith in the powers of duct tape and staples when they fail to mend your broken heart.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After years of being a contented Buddhist, you will discover a superior spiritual path hidden within the lyrics of Styx's "Come Sail Away."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After picking salt shakers out of your feet for the thousandth time, you finally decide to give up table dancing for good.

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