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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscope for the week of April 9, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your dyslexia ruins your enjoyment of origami when you repeatedly attempt and fail to unfold a crane into a piece of paper.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your attempt to use pornography to fill the void in your passionless marriage backfires when all the skin mags you buy feature 12-page color spreads of your wife.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your recent mishap with a bottle of vodka, a 50-gallon drum of turpentine, a Zippo, and a busload of orphans will inspire a very special episode of Baywatch.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your search for the ultimate in nudity will finally end this week when you discover a special German-made electric razor which shaves off skin and muscle.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be overcome by lust in the middle of the workday, forcing yourself upon the nearest piece of warm flesh. Fortunately, though, you are a self-employed veterinarian.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be both flattered and threatened by a report in The New York Times linking the assassinations of John and Robert Kennedy to your fat ass.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A tall, dark stranger will appear to you in a dream, look tenderly into your eyes and extol the virtues of Pall Mall cigarettes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Now that fur is no longer in vogue, you should stop making trophy jackets from the scalps of your enemies.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After years of searching, you will finally achieve your life's goal by tracking down the cunning and elusive Jan-Michael Vincent.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will lose your lifelong faith in the powers of duct tape and staples when they fail to mend your broken heart.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After years of being a contented Buddhist, you will discover a superior spiritual path hidden within the lyrics of Styx's "Come Sail Away."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After picking salt shakers out of your feet for the thousandth time, you finally decide to give up table dancing for good.
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