Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your dyslexia ruins your enjoyment of origami when you repeatedly attempt and fail to unfold a crane into a piece of paper.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your attempt to use pornography to fill the void in your passionless marriage backfires when all the skin mags you buy feature 12-page color spreads of your wife.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your recent mishap with a bottle of vodka, a 50-gallon drum of turpentine, a Zippo, and a busload of orphans will inspire a very special episode of Baywatch.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your search for the ultimate in nudity will finally end this week when you discover a special German-made electric razor which shaves off skin and muscle.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will be overcome by lust in the middle of the workday, forcing yourself upon the nearest piece of warm flesh. Fortunately, though, you are a self-employed veterinarian.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will be both flattered and threatened by a report in The New York Times linking the assassinations of John and Robert Kennedy to your fat ass.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A tall, dark stranger will appear to you in a dream, look tenderly into your eyes and extol the virtues of Pall Mall cigarettes.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Now that fur is no longer in vogue, you should stop making trophy jackets from the scalps of your enemies.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
After years of searching, you will finally achieve your life's goal by tracking down the cunning and elusive Jan-Michael Vincent.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will lose your lifelong faith in the powers of duct tape and staples when they fail to mend your broken heart.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
After years of being a contented Buddhist, you will discover a superior spiritual path hidden within the lyrics of Styx's "Come Sail Away."
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
After picking salt shakers out of your feet for the thousandth time, you finally decide to give up table dancing for good.
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