Horoscope for the week of April 9, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 13

Man Not Sure What To Do About Vet's Request For Dog-Urine Sample

MISSOULA, MT–Dog owner Darryl Burkhard, 36, said Tuesday that he is unsure how to fulfill his veterinarian's orders to extract a urine sample from ailing cocker spaniel Sneakers. "The vet just casually asked me to bring in a sample, like I'd automatically know how to do that," Burkhard said. "Do I take Sneakers for a walk and then stick a cup under him at just the right moment? Or do I, like, fasten a cup to his genitals with a belt and wait for him to eventually go? Either way, I'm probably looking at some sort of really unpleasant dog-piss-related situation."

Girl From Coffee Shop Seen At Bar With Guy From Record Store

OLYMPIA, WA–Marissa Quirk, 21, that girl from the coffee shop, was spotted Monday at McCoy's Tavern with Greg Clarke, 23, the good-looking hipster guy from the record store. "I go into Crazee Espresso and Rainy Day Records a lot, so when I saw them at McCoy's together, I was like, 'It figures they know each other,'" said Dan Duckett, 22, who has long harbored a crush on Quirk. "It reminded me of that time I saw the guy from the vintage-clothing store with the cute girl who always announces the bands in the student union."

Side Effects Sound Awesome

SAN JOSE, CA–Watching a TV commercial for the prescription allergy medication Nasonol, local resident Troy Henderson, 23, remarked Tuesday that the drug's possible side effects "sound awesome." "Dizziness, drowsiness, excitability, loss of motor function, irregular heartbeat, tingling sensations in the chest and sinuses–man, Nasonol's got it all," Henderson said. "I gotta score some of that." Henderson, who does not suffer from any allergies, said he plans to call his pollen-allergic friend Steve to "hook me up."

Office Manager Still Undecided About Sharpie Redesign

HARTFORD, CT–Four days after the arrival of a shipment of office supplies from Staples, P&K Insurance office manager Patty Hildebrandt, 41, remains ambivalent about Sharpie's new "Twin-Tip" double-ended permanent marker. "Putting a fine tip and a broad tip on the same pen is very convenient, not to mention cost-effective," Hildebrandt said Tuesday. "Still, neither of the twin tips really works as well as a single-ended marker, probably because they're sharing the same ink." Hildebrandt recently took a strong stand against 3M's accordion-style Post-It notes, calling them "an abomination."

Dow Up 300 After Deaths Of 400

NEW YORK—Buoyed by positive news from the war front, the Dow Jones Industrial Average soared more than 300 points Monday after the killing of more than 400 Republican Guard soldiers near the northern Iraqi town of Mosul. "These deaths have really boosted investor optimism and confidence," New York Stock Exchange chairman Dick Grasso said. "Before this, we'd tried lowering interest rates, lowering taxes, and all sorts of other things to jump-start the market, but nothing worked. Lowering the population of Iraq finally seems to be doing the trick."
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Horoscope for the week of April 9, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll finally be contacted by your long-lost birth parents, but the nine signatures on the letter bring about more questions than answers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will be requested by the President's Special Commission For The Study Of Television to hold the rabbit ears just like that until Guiding Light is over.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Most of the people who told you to "just believe in yourself" didn't realize that you think you're the illegitimate son of Osiris and the Michelin Man.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your efforts to start a new religion in which you're worshipped as the messiah would go farther if you didn't have long hair, a beard, and stigmata.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It turns out that your weakness isn't the color yellow after all, but bullets, knives, and angry packs of badgers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You still have no idea what makes women tick, despite having asked literally hundreds of watchmakers.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You've asked the man in the mirror to change his ways, but he only responds by howling like a fiend and force-feeding you shards of broken glass.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    In spite of the circumstances that brought you together, it would deeply hurt the executioner if you took it personally.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll suffer the kind of low-down, yellow-dog, non-poetic blues that inspire people to urinate on you while you lie weeping in the gutter.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While it's true that God's plan cannot be known by men, be assured that at no time has it ever had anything to do with you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Though they say you can never step in the same river twice, you'll find that you can fall headfirst into the same drainage ditch five times.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will soon come to appreciate the little things in life, such as the amount of it you have left.
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