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Horoscope for the week of April 9, 2003

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Horoscope for the week of April 9, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll finally be contacted by your long-lost birth parents, but the nine signatures on the letter bring about more questions than answers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be requested by the President's Special Commission For The Study Of Television to hold the rabbit ears just like that until Guiding Light is over.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Most of the people who told you to "just believe in yourself" didn't realize that you think you're the illegitimate son of Osiris and the Michelin Man.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your efforts to start a new religion in which you're worshipped as the messiah would go farther if you didn't have long hair, a beard, and stigmata.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It turns out that your weakness isn't the color yellow after all, but bullets, knives, and angry packs of badgers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You still have no idea what makes women tick, despite having asked literally hundreds of watchmakers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've asked the man in the mirror to change his ways, but he only responds by howling like a fiend and force-feeding you shards of broken glass.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    In spite of the circumstances that brought you together, it would deeply hurt the executioner if you took it personally.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll suffer the kind of low-down, yellow-dog, non-poetic blues that inspire people to urinate on you while you lie weeping in the gutter.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true that God's plan cannot be known by men, be assured that at no time has it ever had anything to do with you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though they say you can never step in the same river twice, you'll find that you can fall headfirst into the same drainage ditch five times.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon come to appreciate the little things in life, such as the amount of it you have left.

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