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Horoscope for the week of April 9, 2003

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope for the week of April 9, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll finally be contacted by your long-lost birth parents, but the nine signatures on the letter bring about more questions than answers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be requested by the President's Special Commission For The Study Of Television to hold the rabbit ears just like that until Guiding Light is over.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Most of the people who told you to "just believe in yourself" didn't realize that you think you're the illegitimate son of Osiris and the Michelin Man.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your efforts to start a new religion in which you're worshipped as the messiah would go farther if you didn't have long hair, a beard, and stigmata.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It turns out that your weakness isn't the color yellow after all, but bullets, knives, and angry packs of badgers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You still have no idea what makes women tick, despite having asked literally hundreds of watchmakers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've asked the man in the mirror to change his ways, but he only responds by howling like a fiend and force-feeding you shards of broken glass.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    In spite of the circumstances that brought you together, it would deeply hurt the executioner if you took it personally.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll suffer the kind of low-down, yellow-dog, non-poetic blues that inspire people to urinate on you while you lie weeping in the gutter.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true that God's plan cannot be known by men, be assured that at no time has it ever had anything to do with you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though they say you can never step in the same river twice, you'll find that you can fall headfirst into the same drainage ditch five times.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon come to appreciate the little things in life, such as the amount of it you have left.

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