Horoscope for the week of April 9, 2003

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Recent News

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.


Horoscope for the week of April 9, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll finally be contacted by your long-lost birth parents, but the nine signatures on the letter bring about more questions than answers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be requested by the President's Special Commission For The Study Of Television to hold the rabbit ears just like that until Guiding Light is over.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Most of the people who told you to "just believe in yourself" didn't realize that you think you're the illegitimate son of Osiris and the Michelin Man.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your efforts to start a new religion in which you're worshipped as the messiah would go farther if you didn't have long hair, a beard, and stigmata.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It turns out that your weakness isn't the color yellow after all, but bullets, knives, and angry packs of badgers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You still have no idea what makes women tick, despite having asked literally hundreds of watchmakers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've asked the man in the mirror to change his ways, but he only responds by howling like a fiend and force-feeding you shards of broken glass.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    In spite of the circumstances that brought you together, it would deeply hurt the executioner if you took it personally.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll suffer the kind of low-down, yellow-dog, non-poetic blues that inspire people to urinate on you while you lie weeping in the gutter.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true that God's plan cannot be known by men, be assured that at no time has it ever had anything to do with you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though they say you can never step in the same river twice, you'll find that you can fall headfirst into the same drainage ditch five times.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon come to appreciate the little things in life, such as the amount of it you have left.