Horoscope for the week of August 1, 2001

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Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


Horoscope for the week of August 1, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your children will grow up in a world very different from the one you live in, thanks to a lucrative deal you will soon make with the Rigellians.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There's a part of you that wants to go to a remote, far-off place and start eating everything in sight.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will wake up in a Calcutta flophouse between two dead Thai prostitutes, which can mean only one thing: You're now officially in a rut.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Next time someone comes to your house to tell you that your husband has been shot, you should at least try to act surprised.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Learning to love again will be hard for you: You've been burned before, and the thick scar tissue still cracks every time you move.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You are highly prized by those around you, mostly due to your high concentrations of silver and antimony.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Confusion, a loss of self, and disorientation are your lot next week when you are dubbed into Portuguese and rereleased in Brazil.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars wish to reveal a part of your destiny, but not in a straightforward fashion. Let's just say it's bigger than a breadbox.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Cupid will take aim at your heart next week, killing you with the .45 he keeps handy for major assholes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon have some very entertaining stories about how three species of wombats became endangered.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will spend much of the next week lying around aimlessly, largely because of the lack of adenosine triphosphate in your limbs.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    By strange coincidence, this week is the 60,000th anniversary of the invention of the hand ax, a device that figures heavily in your future.