adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of August 1, 2001

Top Headlines

Recent News

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of August 1, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your children will grow up in a world very different from the one you live in, thanks to a lucrative deal you will soon make with the Rigellians.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There's a part of you that wants to go to a remote, far-off place and start eating everything in sight.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will wake up in a Calcutta flophouse between two dead Thai prostitutes, which can mean only one thing: You're now officially in a rut.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Next time someone comes to your house to tell you that your husband has been shot, you should at least try to act surprised.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Learning to love again will be hard for you: You've been burned before, and the thick scar tissue still cracks every time you move.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You are highly prized by those around you, mostly due to your high concentrations of silver and antimony.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Confusion, a loss of self, and disorientation are your lot next week when you are dubbed into Portuguese and rereleased in Brazil.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars wish to reveal a part of your destiny, but not in a straightforward fashion. Let's just say it's bigger than a breadbox.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Cupid will take aim at your heart next week, killing you with the .45 he keeps handy for major assholes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon have some very entertaining stories about how three species of wombats became endangered.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will spend much of the next week lying around aimlessly, largely because of the lack of adenosine triphosphate in your limbs.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    By strange coincidence, this week is the 60,000th anniversary of the invention of the hand ax, a device that figures heavily in your future.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close