Horoscope for the week of August 1, 2001

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Horoscope for the week of August 1, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your children will grow up in a world very different from the one you live in, thanks to a lucrative deal you will soon make with the Rigellians.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There's a part of you that wants to go to a remote, far-off place and start eating everything in sight.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will wake up in a Calcutta flophouse between two dead Thai prostitutes, which can mean only one thing: You're now officially in a rut.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Next time someone comes to your house to tell you that your husband has been shot, you should at least try to act surprised.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Learning to love again will be hard for you: You've been burned before, and the thick scar tissue still cracks every time you move.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You are highly prized by those around you, mostly due to your high concentrations of silver and antimony.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Confusion, a loss of self, and disorientation are your lot next week when you are dubbed into Portuguese and rereleased in Brazil.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars wish to reveal a part of your destiny, but not in a straightforward fashion. Let's just say it's bigger than a breadbox.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Cupid will take aim at your heart next week, killing you with the .45 he keeps handy for major assholes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon have some very entertaining stories about how three species of wombats became endangered.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will spend much of the next week lying around aimlessly, largely because of the lack of adenosine triphosphate in your limbs.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    By strange coincidence, this week is the 60,000th anniversary of the invention of the hand ax, a device that figures heavily in your future.


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