Horoscope for the week of August 1, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 26

Area Love Knows Only Court-Ordered Bounds

COLUMBUS, OH–The passionate love felt by Columbus resident Jonathan Duffy for Ohio State University graduate student Danielle Graves can be stopped by no force outside the ruling of Fifth Circuit Court Judge Harlan Jameson, Duffy said Monday. "Wild horses cannot drag me away from the 100-yard perimeter I've carefully measured around her property," said Duffy, finishing a collage of photos of Graves walking to and from classes, watering her lawn, and ducking behind neighbors' houses. "No court-appointed psychiatrist can medicate away the love a man feels for his spirit bride."

Non-Alcoholic Beer Inventor Unveils New Non-Adhesive Glue

ST. LOUIS–Hot on the heels of his successful line of non-curative medicines, non-alcoholic-beer inventor Thomas O'Doul unveiled "Elmer's Slick," a glue that looks and feels like ordinary white glue but has no adhesive properties. "Say goodbye to your fingers getting all stuck together, just because you want to glue things," O'Doul said at a press conference Monday. "With Elmer's Slick, you can enjoy gluing without all the messy adhesiveness." O'Doul said he next plans to develop a flame-retardant gasoline and the world's first gelatinous construction lumber.

Few Animals Harmed In Making Of Film

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Producers of the upcoming Sony Pictures historical epic Genghis Khan assured animal-rights activists Monday that "practically no animals were harmed in the making of the film." "The Humane Society and SPCA will be pleased to know that, of the 1,600-plus horses used in Khan's climactic battle sequence, almost none were injured," executive producer David Shell said. "And of those, only a small handful sustained injuries that could be categorized as, you know, serious." Shell noted that the albino Siberian tiger used as the beloved pet of Genghis Khan's enemy "probably would have eventually been beheaded in nature, anyway."

With Friends Like These...

Until recently, I never really believed much in the generation gap. I figured, if you're young at heart (and I like to think that my heart is 19 years old, blonde, and gorgeous!), a person's age means little. But, after getting to know my downstairs neighbors, I'm starting to see why the old fogies get a little frustrated with young people: They can be pretty "out there" sometimes!

Honoring The King of Pop

On Sept. 7, ‘N Sync, Britney Spears, Destiny’s Child, and other superstars will gather at Madison Square Garden for a concert paying tribute to Michael Jackson. What is planned for the event?

The Missile-Defense Standoff

The U.S. and Russia are clashing over the Bush Administration's plans to develop a missile-defense system, which would defy 1972's ABM Treaty. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 1, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your children will grow up in a world very different from the one you live in, thanks to a lucrative deal you will soon make with the Rigellians.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    There's a part of you that wants to go to a remote, far-off place and start eating everything in sight.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will wake up in a Calcutta flophouse between two dead Thai prostitutes, which can mean only one thing: You're now officially in a rut.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Next time someone comes to your house to tell you that your husband has been shot, you should at least try to act surprised.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Learning to love again will be hard for you: You've been burned before, and the thick scar tissue still cracks every time you move.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You are highly prized by those around you, mostly due to your high concentrations of silver and antimony.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Confusion, a loss of self, and disorientation are your lot next week when you are dubbed into Portuguese and rereleased in Brazil.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars wish to reveal a part of your destiny, but not in a straightforward fashion. Let's just say it's bigger than a breadbox.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Cupid will take aim at your heart next week, killing you with the .45 he keeps handy for major assholes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will soon have some very entertaining stories about how three species of wombats became endangered.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will spend much of the next week lying around aimlessly, largely because of the lack of adenosine triphosphate in your limbs.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    By strange coincidence, this week is the 60,000th anniversary of the invention of the hand ax, a device that figures heavily in your future.
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