adBlockCheck

Recent News

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of August 1, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your children will grow up in a world very different from the one you live in, thanks to a lucrative deal you will soon make with the Rigellians.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There's a part of you that wants to go to a remote, far-off place and start eating everything in sight.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will wake up in a Calcutta flophouse between two dead Thai prostitutes, which can mean only one thing: You're now officially in a rut.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Next time someone comes to your house to tell you that your husband has been shot, you should at least try to act surprised.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Learning to love again will be hard for you: You've been burned before, and the thick scar tissue still cracks every time you move.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You are highly prized by those around you, mostly due to your high concentrations of silver and antimony.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Confusion, a loss of self, and disorientation are your lot next week when you are dubbed into Portuguese and rereleased in Brazil.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars wish to reveal a part of your destiny, but not in a straightforward fashion. Let's just say it's bigger than a breadbox.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Cupid will take aim at your heart next week, killing you with the .45 he keeps handy for major assholes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon have some very entertaining stories about how three species of wombats became endangered.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will spend much of the next week lying around aimlessly, largely because of the lack of adenosine triphosphate in your limbs.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    By strange coincidence, this week is the 60,000th anniversary of the invention of the hand ax, a device that figures heavily in your future.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close