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Horoscope for the week of August 10, 2005

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What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
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Horoscope for the week of August 10, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You always say The Man is holding you down, but you never mention the intense sexual rush it gives you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your torments will continue apace, but their intensity will slacken, as God is distracted lately by his hobby of striking random Boy Scouts with lightning.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Heart-rending TV ads will soon begin asking people to send donations in order to wipe you out once and for all.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You thought that your new lifestyle would be a nonstop party in the lap of luxury, but apparently Mr. Hefner has strict rules for his "permanent houseguests."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Delightful changes that will transform your life into a giddy playground may still be ahead for you, provided you can summon the gumption to get out of bed before 3 in the afternoon.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Officials will say that, although your death was indeed a tragedy, it could have been prevented simply by paying closer attention to either the warning signs on the time machine or your senior-year history unit on the Crimean War.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will indeed come back from your adventure in a pine box, but thanks to advances in medical technology, it's a pine box outfitted with the life-support systems you now need to live.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be honored by the mayor of your city for your continued restraint in not expressing your feelings through poetry, song, interpretive dance, or ultra-large-scale fiber art.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    In this cruel metaphysical polka of life, it sometimes seems like for every step forward, you take one step back, two hops to each side, and do a twirl.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your relations with the natives continue to blossom, largely because your rather clever translator refuses to tell them precisely what it is you're saying.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will conveniently obtain employment in your city hospital's burn ward just as your new invention, a revolutionary, faster and hotter gas grill, encounters its first major stumbling block.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The technical details are still being worked out, but executives promise that your first few hilarious and heartwarming years will soon be released as a deluxe DVD package.

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