Horoscope for the week of August 10, 2005

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Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of August 10, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You always say The Man is holding you down, but you never mention the intense sexual rush it gives you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your torments will continue apace, but their intensity will slacken, as God is distracted lately by his hobby of striking random Boy Scouts with lightning.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Heart-rending TV ads will soon begin asking people to send donations in order to wipe you out once and for all.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You thought that your new lifestyle would be a nonstop party in the lap of luxury, but apparently Mr. Hefner has strict rules for his "permanent houseguests."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Delightful changes that will transform your life into a giddy playground may still be ahead for you, provided you can summon the gumption to get out of bed before 3 in the afternoon.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Officials will say that, although your death was indeed a tragedy, it could have been prevented simply by paying closer attention to either the warning signs on the time machine or your senior-year history unit on the Crimean War.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will indeed come back from your adventure in a pine box, but thanks to advances in medical technology, it's a pine box outfitted with the life-support systems you now need to live.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be honored by the mayor of your city for your continued restraint in not expressing your feelings through poetry, song, interpretive dance, or ultra-large-scale fiber art.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    In this cruel metaphysical polka of life, it sometimes seems like for every step forward, you take one step back, two hops to each side, and do a twirl.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your relations with the natives continue to blossom, largely because your rather clever translator refuses to tell them precisely what it is you're saying.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will conveniently obtain employment in your city hospital's burn ward just as your new invention, a revolutionary, faster and hotter gas grill, encounters its first major stumbling block.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The technical details are still being worked out, but executives promise that your first few hilarious and heartwarming years will soon be released as a deluxe DVD package.


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