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Horoscope for the week of August 10, 2005

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Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.
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Horoscope for the week of August 10, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You always say The Man is holding you down, but you never mention the intense sexual rush it gives you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your torments will continue apace, but their intensity will slacken, as God is distracted lately by his hobby of striking random Boy Scouts with lightning.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Heart-rending TV ads will soon begin asking people to send donations in order to wipe you out once and for all.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You thought that your new lifestyle would be a nonstop party in the lap of luxury, but apparently Mr. Hefner has strict rules for his "permanent houseguests."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Delightful changes that will transform your life into a giddy playground may still be ahead for you, provided you can summon the gumption to get out of bed before 3 in the afternoon.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Officials will say that, although your death was indeed a tragedy, it could have been prevented simply by paying closer attention to either the warning signs on the time machine or your senior-year history unit on the Crimean War.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will indeed come back from your adventure in a pine box, but thanks to advances in medical technology, it's a pine box outfitted with the life-support systems you now need to live.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be honored by the mayor of your city for your continued restraint in not expressing your feelings through poetry, song, interpretive dance, or ultra-large-scale fiber art.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    In this cruel metaphysical polka of life, it sometimes seems like for every step forward, you take one step back, two hops to each side, and do a twirl.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your relations with the natives continue to blossom, largely because your rather clever translator refuses to tell them precisely what it is you're saying.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will conveniently obtain employment in your city hospital's burn ward just as your new invention, a revolutionary, faster and hotter gas grill, encounters its first major stumbling block.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The technical details are still being worked out, but executives promise that your first few hilarious and heartwarming years will soon be released as a deluxe DVD package.

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