adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of August 11, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The many and varied experiences of this week will prompt you to drink more and cheaper beer than usual.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It’s high time you moved past the really tough things in your life. Grit your teeth, buckle down and finish the last level of Ape Escape.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You and your lover will be chagrined to learn that your special song is actually about a runaway horse.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite your great efforts, the public does not yet recognize you as "the Phil Spector of sanitary engineers."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will actually get to meet the man who wrote the book of love this week. Frankly, you are not surprised to find he's a vindictive asshole.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Urges you do not completely understand will make you want to have a lot of sex, eat a lot of food and watch a lot of TV this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your constant paranoia is becoming tedious to the federal agent in charge of recording and transcribing your telephone conversations.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The rumor around town is that you're just a low-down dog, but don't pay any mind: You know you’re Greendale’s Hunter Pride, an AKC-registered chocolate Labrador retriever.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars say The Sixth Sense is the horror-suspense film of the summer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will panic next Wednesday at 8:22 p.m. when, without warning, the sun disappears from the sky.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Venus descending in Pisces means she's tired of this Pisces bullshit. Screw Pisces.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close