Aries | March 21 to April 19
The many and varied experiences of this week will prompt you to drink more and cheaper beer than usual.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It’s high time you moved past the really tough things in your life. Grit your teeth, buckle down and finish the last level of Ape Escape.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You and your lover will be chagrined to learn that your special song is actually about a runaway horse.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Despite your great efforts, the public does not yet recognize you as "the Phil Spector of sanitary engineers."
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will actually get to meet the man who wrote the book of love this week. Frankly, you are not surprised to find he's a vindictive asshole.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Urges you do not completely understand will make you want to have a lot of sex, eat a lot of food and watch a lot of TV this week.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your constant paranoia is becoming tedious to the federal agent in charge of recording and transcribing your telephone conversations.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The rumor around town is that you're just a low-down dog, but don't pay any mind: You know you’re Greendale’s Hunter Pride, an AKC-registered chocolate Labrador retriever.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The stars say The Sixth Sense is the horror-suspense film of the summer.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will panic next Wednesday at 8:22 p.m. when, without warning, the sun disappears from the sky.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Venus descending in Pisces means she's tired of this Pisces bullshit. Screw Pisces.
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