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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of August 11, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The many and varied experiences of this week will prompt you to drink more and cheaper beer than usual.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It’s high time you moved past the really tough things in your life. Grit your teeth, buckle down and finish the last level of Ape Escape.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You and your lover will be chagrined to learn that your special song is actually about a runaway horse.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite your great efforts, the public does not yet recognize you as "the Phil Spector of sanitary engineers."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will actually get to meet the man who wrote the book of love this week. Frankly, you are not surprised to find he's a vindictive asshole.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Urges you do not completely understand will make you want to have a lot of sex, eat a lot of food and watch a lot of TV this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your constant paranoia is becoming tedious to the federal agent in charge of recording and transcribing your telephone conversations.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The rumor around town is that you're just a low-down dog, but don't pay any mind: You know you’re Greendale’s Hunter Pride, an AKC-registered chocolate Labrador retriever.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars say The Sixth Sense is the horror-suspense film of the summer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will panic next Wednesday at 8:22 p.m. when, without warning, the sun disappears from the sky.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Venus descending in Pisces means she's tired of this Pisces bullshit. Screw Pisces.

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