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Horoscope for the week of August 11, 1999

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of August 11, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The many and varied experiences of this week will prompt you to drink more and cheaper beer than usual.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It’s high time you moved past the really tough things in your life. Grit your teeth, buckle down and finish the last level of Ape Escape.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You and your lover will be chagrined to learn that your special song is actually about a runaway horse.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite your great efforts, the public does not yet recognize you as "the Phil Spector of sanitary engineers."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will actually get to meet the man who wrote the book of love this week. Frankly, you are not surprised to find he's a vindictive asshole.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Urges you do not completely understand will make you want to have a lot of sex, eat a lot of food and watch a lot of TV this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your constant paranoia is becoming tedious to the federal agent in charge of recording and transcribing your telephone conversations.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The rumor around town is that you're just a low-down dog, but don't pay any mind: You know you’re Greendale’s Hunter Pride, an AKC-registered chocolate Labrador retriever.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars say The Sixth Sense is the horror-suspense film of the summer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will panic next Wednesday at 8:22 p.m. when, without warning, the sun disappears from the sky.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Venus descending in Pisces means she's tired of this Pisces bullshit. Screw Pisces.

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