Horoscope for the week of August 11, 1999

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Horoscope for the week of August 11, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The many and varied experiences of this week will prompt you to drink more and cheaper beer than usual.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It’s high time you moved past the really tough things in your life. Grit your teeth, buckle down and finish the last level of Ape Escape.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You and your lover will be chagrined to learn that your special song is actually about a runaway horse.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite your great efforts, the public does not yet recognize you as "the Phil Spector of sanitary engineers."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will actually get to meet the man who wrote the book of love this week. Frankly, you are not surprised to find he's a vindictive asshole.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Urges you do not completely understand will make you want to have a lot of sex, eat a lot of food and watch a lot of TV this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your constant paranoia is becoming tedious to the federal agent in charge of recording and transcribing your telephone conversations.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The rumor around town is that you're just a low-down dog, but don't pay any mind: You know you’re Greendale’s Hunter Pride, an AKC-registered chocolate Labrador retriever.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars say The Sixth Sense is the horror-suspense film of the summer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will panic next Wednesday at 8:22 p.m. when, without warning, the sun disappears from the sky.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Venus descending in Pisces means she's tired of this Pisces bullshit. Screw Pisces.


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