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Horoscope for the week of August 11, 1999

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of August 11, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The many and varied experiences of this week will prompt you to drink more and cheaper beer than usual.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It’s high time you moved past the really tough things in your life. Grit your teeth, buckle down and finish the last level of Ape Escape.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You and your lover will be chagrined to learn that your special song is actually about a runaway horse.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Despite your great efforts, the public does not yet recognize you as "the Phil Spector of sanitary engineers."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will actually get to meet the man who wrote the book of love this week. Frankly, you are not surprised to find he's a vindictive asshole.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Urges you do not completely understand will make you want to have a lot of sex, eat a lot of food and watch a lot of TV this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your constant paranoia is becoming tedious to the federal agent in charge of recording and transcribing your telephone conversations.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The rumor around town is that you're just a low-down dog, but don't pay any mind: You know you’re Greendale’s Hunter Pride, an AKC-registered chocolate Labrador retriever.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars say The Sixth Sense is the horror-suspense film of the summer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will panic next Wednesday at 8:22 p.m. when, without warning, the sun disappears from the sky.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Venus descending in Pisces means she's tired of this Pisces bullshit. Screw Pisces.

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