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Horoscope for the week of August 11, 2004

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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Horoscope for the week of August 11, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Investigators will say that your death was caused by shoddily wired bathroom lighting, but that's just wishful thinking since you're standing right there.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Government officials will call your new doomsday device "brilliant in its simplicity" and "a marvel of American ingenuity," but they won't be able to say so for long.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be forced to expand the list of shit you have to put up with to include "goat."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Suppressed-memory therapy will do wonders for you, but only until you recover the long-lost knowledge that suppressed memories are bullshit.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Gay pizza deliverymen are a dime a dozen, which is fortunate for you, as you'll soon be on the management end of that deal.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Finding families for homeless animals is all well and good, but you could have prevented the tramplings if you'd considered the elephants' feelings on the matter.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon be exactly as popular as the trombone player in a chubby-chaser bar. This might not make a lot of sense now, but trust us, you'll see.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    No one will believe that it looked like the Girl Scouts were going for their guns, but believe it—in an alternate universe, you've been filled with lead from the waist down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's true you were trapped in the gourmet popcorn poppery, but you still don't see why they insisted on sending help.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll wake to find that the unexplained mental quirk that turned you into a leather fetishist has finally been worked out, but just wait until you get a load of a few cotton-polyester blends.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars found it hard to concentrate on your future this week, as they themselves aren't exactly teenagers anymore.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You definitely know a good thing when you see it, at least as long as the price tag is clearly visible.

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