Horoscope for the week of August 11, 2004

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of August 11, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Investigators will say that your death was caused by shoddily wired bathroom lighting, but that's just wishful thinking since you're standing right there.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Government officials will call your new doomsday device "brilliant in its simplicity" and "a marvel of American ingenuity," but they won't be able to say so for long.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be forced to expand the list of shit you have to put up with to include "goat."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Suppressed-memory therapy will do wonders for you, but only until you recover the long-lost knowledge that suppressed memories are bullshit.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Gay pizza deliverymen are a dime a dozen, which is fortunate for you, as you'll soon be on the management end of that deal.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Finding families for homeless animals is all well and good, but you could have prevented the tramplings if you'd considered the elephants' feelings on the matter.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon be exactly as popular as the trombone player in a chubby-chaser bar. This might not make a lot of sense now, but trust us, you'll see.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    No one will believe that it looked like the Girl Scouts were going for their guns, but believe it—in an alternate universe, you've been filled with lead from the waist down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's true you were trapped in the gourmet popcorn poppery, but you still don't see why they insisted on sending help.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll wake to find that the unexplained mental quirk that turned you into a leather fetishist has finally been worked out, but just wait until you get a load of a few cotton-polyester blends.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars found it hard to concentrate on your future this week, as they themselves aren't exactly teenagers anymore.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You definitely know a good thing when you see it, at least as long as the price tag is clearly visible.