Horoscope for the week of August 11, 2004

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Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo

WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 11, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Investigators will say that your death was caused by shoddily wired bathroom lighting, but that's just wishful thinking since you're standing right there.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Government officials will call your new doomsday device "brilliant in its simplicity" and "a marvel of American ingenuity," but they won't be able to say so for long.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be forced to expand the list of shit you have to put up with to include "goat."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Suppressed-memory therapy will do wonders for you, but only until you recover the long-lost knowledge that suppressed memories are bullshit.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Gay pizza deliverymen are a dime a dozen, which is fortunate for you, as you'll soon be on the management end of that deal.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Finding families for homeless animals is all well and good, but you could have prevented the tramplings if you'd considered the elephants' feelings on the matter.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon be exactly as popular as the trombone player in a chubby-chaser bar. This might not make a lot of sense now, but trust us, you'll see.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    No one will believe that it looked like the Girl Scouts were going for their guns, but believe it—in an alternate universe, you've been filled with lead from the waist down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's true you were trapped in the gourmet popcorn poppery, but you still don't see why they insisted on sending help.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll wake to find that the unexplained mental quirk that turned you into a leather fetishist has finally been worked out, but just wait until you get a load of a few cotton-polyester blends.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars found it hard to concentrate on your future this week, as they themselves aren't exactly teenagers anymore.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You definitely know a good thing when you see it, at least as long as the price tag is clearly visible.