Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1997

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

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Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You don't ordinarily give money to panhandlers, but your heart will give in this week when a bum asks you for $3.75 to rent Tango And Cash.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Tattoos are for fainthearted poseurs: Sew an actual half-naked Polynesian dancing woman onto your left bicep.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will become sterile this week after wearing your favorite glow-in-the-dark watch on your genitals.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Admit the truth: Though your lover is a fast machine and keeps her motor clean, she is not the best damn woman you have ever seen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars indicate that next week will be a blood-soaked disaster for you. Resolve to enjoy yourself regardless.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The presence of Uranus in your sign leads to the temptation of making many jokes. Do not give in.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your attempt to break your Ex-Lax addiction by eating chocolate ends in disappointment when it fails to produce explosive defecation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The ghost of Bob Hope will appear to you in a dream and complain for hours about not being dead.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Heartbreak awaits when your 'love-seat' turns out to be only a short sofa.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You are held liable when the cyst on your chest bursts, drowning a nurse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your antlers will soon fall off, leaving you with nothing to attract the opposite sex.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your wife wants only one thing in life. Make sure she never gets it.