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Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1997

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You don't ordinarily give money to panhandlers, but your heart will give in this week when a bum asks you for $3.75 to rent Tango And Cash.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Tattoos are for fainthearted poseurs: Sew an actual half-naked Polynesian dancing woman onto your left bicep.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will become sterile this week after wearing your favorite glow-in-the-dark watch on your genitals.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Admit the truth: Though your lover is a fast machine and keeps her motor clean, she is not the best damn woman you have ever seen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars indicate that next week will be a blood-soaked disaster for you. Resolve to enjoy yourself regardless.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The presence of Uranus in your sign leads to the temptation of making many jokes. Do not give in.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your attempt to break your Ex-Lax addiction by eating chocolate ends in disappointment when it fails to produce explosive defecation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The ghost of Bob Hope will appear to you in a dream and complain for hours about not being dead.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Heartbreak awaits when your 'love-seat' turns out to be only a short sofa.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You are held liable when the cyst on your chest bursts, drowning a nurse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your antlers will soon fall off, leaving you with nothing to attract the opposite sex.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your wife wants only one thing in life. Make sure she never gets it.

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