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Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1997

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You don't ordinarily give money to panhandlers, but your heart will give in this week when a bum asks you for $3.75 to rent Tango And Cash.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Tattoos are for fainthearted poseurs: Sew an actual half-naked Polynesian dancing woman onto your left bicep.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will become sterile this week after wearing your favorite glow-in-the-dark watch on your genitals.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Admit the truth: Though your lover is a fast machine and keeps her motor clean, she is not the best damn woman you have ever seen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars indicate that next week will be a blood-soaked disaster for you. Resolve to enjoy yourself regardless.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The presence of Uranus in your sign leads to the temptation of making many jokes. Do not give in.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your attempt to break your Ex-Lax addiction by eating chocolate ends in disappointment when it fails to produce explosive defecation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The ghost of Bob Hope will appear to you in a dream and complain for hours about not being dead.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Heartbreak awaits when your 'love-seat' turns out to be only a short sofa.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You are held liable when the cyst on your chest bursts, drowning a nurse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your antlers will soon fall off, leaving you with nothing to attract the opposite sex.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your wife wants only one thing in life. Make sure she never gets it.

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