Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1997

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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You don't ordinarily give money to panhandlers, but your heart will give in this week when a bum asks you for $3.75 to rent Tango And Cash.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Tattoos are for fainthearted poseurs: Sew an actual half-naked Polynesian dancing woman onto your left bicep.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will become sterile this week after wearing your favorite glow-in-the-dark watch on your genitals.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Admit the truth: Though your lover is a fast machine and keeps her motor clean, she is not the best damn woman you have ever seen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars indicate that next week will be a blood-soaked disaster for you. Resolve to enjoy yourself regardless.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The presence of Uranus in your sign leads to the temptation of making many jokes. Do not give in.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your attempt to break your Ex-Lax addiction by eating chocolate ends in disappointment when it fails to produce explosive defecation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The ghost of Bob Hope will appear to you in a dream and complain for hours about not being dead.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Heartbreak awaits when your 'love-seat' turns out to be only a short sofa.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You are held liable when the cyst on your chest bursts, drowning a nurse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your antlers will soon fall off, leaving you with nothing to attract the opposite sex.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your wife wants only one thing in life. Make sure she never gets it.


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