Aries | March 21 to April 19
You don't ordinarily give money to panhandlers, but your heart will give in this week when a bum asks you for $3.75 to rent Tango And Cash.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Tattoos are for fainthearted poseurs: Sew an actual half-naked Polynesian dancing woman onto your left bicep.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will become sterile this week after wearing your favorite glow-in-the-dark watch on your genitals.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Admit the truth: Though your lover is a fast machine and keeps her motor clean, she is not the best damn woman you have ever seen.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars indicate that next week will be a blood-soaked disaster for you. Resolve to enjoy yourself regardless.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The presence of Uranus in your sign leads to the temptation of making many jokes. Do not give in.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your attempt to break your Ex-Lax addiction by eating chocolate ends in disappointment when it fails to produce explosive defecation.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The ghost of Bob Hope will appear to you in a dream and complain for hours about not being dead.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Heartbreak awaits when your 'love-seat' turns out to be only a short sofa.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You are held liable when the cyst on your chest bursts, drowning a nurse.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your antlers will soon fall off, leaving you with nothing to attract the opposite sex.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your wife wants only one thing in life. Make sure she never gets it.
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