Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1997

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

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Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You don't ordinarily give money to panhandlers, but your heart will give in this week when a bum asks you for $3.75 to rent Tango And Cash.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Tattoos are for fainthearted poseurs: Sew an actual half-naked Polynesian dancing woman onto your left bicep.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will become sterile this week after wearing your favorite glow-in-the-dark watch on your genitals.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Admit the truth: Though your lover is a fast machine and keeps her motor clean, she is not the best damn woman you have ever seen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars indicate that next week will be a blood-soaked disaster for you. Resolve to enjoy yourself regardless.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The presence of Uranus in your sign leads to the temptation of making many jokes. Do not give in.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your attempt to break your Ex-Lax addiction by eating chocolate ends in disappointment when it fails to produce explosive defecation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The ghost of Bob Hope will appear to you in a dream and complain for hours about not being dead.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Heartbreak awaits when your 'love-seat' turns out to be only a short sofa.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You are held liable when the cyst on your chest bursts, drowning a nurse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your antlers will soon fall off, leaving you with nothing to attract the opposite sex.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your wife wants only one thing in life. Make sure she never gets it.


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