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Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1998

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Take heart: The solution to all your problems can be found in The Bible—provided you are the leader of a nomadic tribe of neolithic sheepherders with a strict hygienic code.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your erotic dreams about Ernie, Bert and Kermit will force you to come to terms with your mupposexuality.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Due to technical difficulties, Cancer will unfortunately not be able to provide you with a future this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mere hours after reading this horoscope, you will weaken and die. There is no reason to be alarmed, however, as you are hexagenia limbata, the Great Yellow Mayfly.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you know you are just being paranoid, you will be unable to shake the eerie feeling that someone is watching you through the video camera mounted in your maximum-security prison cell.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Communication is the bedrock of every good relationship. Take those nurses out of that soundproof basement once a day and menace them with an axe, screaming obscenities.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While reporting a reckless driver, you discover that 1-800-EAT-SHIT is a hoax by the bumper-sticker people.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    God will appear to you in a dream this week and assure you that He hears your hilariously unreasonable prayers.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Be careful what you wish for. Though you will never, ever get it, it's always good to be careful.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don’t let your revels in the newly remodeled St. Marks Bath House keep you from your wife and kids.

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