Aries | March 21 to April 19
Take heart: The solution to all your problems can be found in The Bible—provided you are the leader of a nomadic tribe of neolithic sheepherders with a strict hygienic code.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your erotic dreams about Ernie, Bert and Kermit will force you to come to terms with your mupposexuality.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Due to technical difficulties, Cancer will unfortunately not be able to provide you with a future this week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Mere hours after reading this horoscope, you will weaken and die. There is no reason to be alarmed, however, as you are hexagenia limbata, the Great Yellow Mayfly.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Though you know you are just being paranoid, you will be unable to shake the eerie feeling that someone is watching you through the video camera mounted in your maximum-security prison cell.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Communication is the bedrock of every good relationship. Take those nurses out of that soundproof basement once a day and menace them with an axe, screaming obscenities.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
While reporting a reckless driver, you discover that 1-800-EAT-SHIT is a hoax by the bumper-sticker people.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
God will appear to you in a dream this week and assure you that He hears your hilariously unreasonable prayers.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Be careful what you wish for. Though you will never, ever get it, it's always good to be careful.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Don’t let your revels in the newly remodeled St. Marks Bath House keep you from your wife and kids.
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