Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1998

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Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Take heart: The solution to all your problems can be found in The Bible—provided you are the leader of a nomadic tribe of neolithic sheepherders with a strict hygienic code.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your erotic dreams about Ernie, Bert and Kermit will force you to come to terms with your mupposexuality.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Due to technical difficulties, Cancer will unfortunately not be able to provide you with a future this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mere hours after reading this horoscope, you will weaken and die. There is no reason to be alarmed, however, as you are hexagenia limbata, the Great Yellow Mayfly.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you know you are just being paranoid, you will be unable to shake the eerie feeling that someone is watching you through the video camera mounted in your maximum-security prison cell.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Communication is the bedrock of every good relationship. Take those nurses out of that soundproof basement once a day and menace them with an axe, screaming obscenities.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While reporting a reckless driver, you discover that 1-800-EAT-SHIT is a hoax by the bumper-sticker people.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    God will appear to you in a dream this week and assure you that He hears your hilariously unreasonable prayers.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Be careful what you wish for. Though you will never, ever get it, it's always good to be careful.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don’t let your revels in the newly remodeled St. Marks Bath House keep you from your wife and kids.