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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Take heart: The solution to all your problems can be found in The Bible—provided you are the leader of a nomadic tribe of neolithic sheepherders with a strict hygienic code.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your erotic dreams about Ernie, Bert and Kermit will force you to come to terms with your mupposexuality.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Due to technical difficulties, Cancer will unfortunately not be able to provide you with a future this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mere hours after reading this horoscope, you will weaken and die. There is no reason to be alarmed, however, as you are hexagenia limbata, the Great Yellow Mayfly.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you know you are just being paranoid, you will be unable to shake the eerie feeling that someone is watching you through the video camera mounted in your maximum-security prison cell.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Communication is the bedrock of every good relationship. Take those nurses out of that soundproof basement once a day and menace them with an axe, screaming obscenities.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While reporting a reckless driver, you discover that 1-800-EAT-SHIT is a hoax by the bumper-sticker people.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    God will appear to you in a dream this week and assure you that He hears your hilariously unreasonable prayers.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Be careful what you wish for. Though you will never, ever get it, it's always good to be careful.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don’t let your revels in the newly remodeled St. Marks Bath House keep you from your wife and kids.

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