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Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1998

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Take heart: The solution to all your problems can be found in The Bible—provided you are the leader of a nomadic tribe of neolithic sheepherders with a strict hygienic code.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your erotic dreams about Ernie, Bert and Kermit will force you to come to terms with your mupposexuality.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Due to technical difficulties, Cancer will unfortunately not be able to provide you with a future this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mere hours after reading this horoscope, you will weaken and die. There is no reason to be alarmed, however, as you are hexagenia limbata, the Great Yellow Mayfly.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you know you are just being paranoid, you will be unable to shake the eerie feeling that someone is watching you through the video camera mounted in your maximum-security prison cell.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Communication is the bedrock of every good relationship. Take those nurses out of that soundproof basement once a day and menace them with an axe, screaming obscenities.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While reporting a reckless driver, you discover that 1-800-EAT-SHIT is a hoax by the bumper-sticker people.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    God will appear to you in a dream this week and assure you that He hears your hilariously unreasonable prayers.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Be careful what you wish for. Though you will never, ever get it, it's always good to be careful.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don’t let your revels in the newly remodeled St. Marks Bath House keep you from your wife and kids.

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