Horoscope for the week of August 13, 2003

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

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Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of August 13, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Things suddenly get awkward when your coworkers notice your resemblance to the Easter Island statues and put two and two together.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be damned if you know what those guys on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they're definitely having a much better time than you are.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's time to acknowledge that your "trusty right-hand man" is really just a little face you drew on your thumb and forefinger.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    When the credits roll at the end of your life, the words "Directed By Henry Jaglom" will go a long way toward explaining things.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week's events will give you cause to reconsider the wisdom of the phrase "Never give up."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Stop telling everyone you are popular with the ladies. Only your magnificent body is popular with the ladies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There is nothing morally wrong with anal sex, but your failure to exercise sufficient precautions has gotten you ass-pregnant.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will abandon your attempt to make the world's largest pancake after finding out how depressingly serious other people are about it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There's nothing wrong with waiting tables while waiting for your big break, unless you're that girl Annette at the corner diner.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You are the very picture of goodwill, honesty, and social grace. Note that use of the word "picture" also implies a certain two-dimensionality.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have many thoughtful questions about fate, destiny, and the future. It's a shame so many concern the Red Sox.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Sometimes, there are things a friend is too nice to tell you. Luckily, you don't have any friends like that.


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