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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of August 13, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Things suddenly get awkward when your coworkers notice your resemblance to the Easter Island statues and put two and two together.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be damned if you know what those guys on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they're definitely having a much better time than you are.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's time to acknowledge that your "trusty right-hand man" is really just a little face you drew on your thumb and forefinger.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    When the credits roll at the end of your life, the words "Directed By Henry Jaglom" will go a long way toward explaining things.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week's events will give you cause to reconsider the wisdom of the phrase "Never give up."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Stop telling everyone you are popular with the ladies. Only your magnificent body is popular with the ladies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There is nothing morally wrong with anal sex, but your failure to exercise sufficient precautions has gotten you ass-pregnant.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will abandon your attempt to make the world's largest pancake after finding out how depressingly serious other people are about it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There's nothing wrong with waiting tables while waiting for your big break, unless you're that girl Annette at the corner diner.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You are the very picture of goodwill, honesty, and social grace. Note that use of the word "picture" also implies a certain two-dimensionality.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have many thoughtful questions about fate, destiny, and the future. It's a shame so many concern the Red Sox.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Sometimes, there are things a friend is too nice to tell you. Luckily, you don't have any friends like that.

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