adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Notable Female Writers Throughout History

Jane Austen died 200 years ago today, but she continues to be widely read and influential to today’s writers. The Onion highlights some of the most notable female authors throughout history.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of August 13, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Things suddenly get awkward when your coworkers notice your resemblance to the Easter Island statues and put two and two together.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be damned if you know what those guys on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they're definitely having a much better time than you are.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's time to acknowledge that your "trusty right-hand man" is really just a little face you drew on your thumb and forefinger.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    When the credits roll at the end of your life, the words "Directed By Henry Jaglom" will go a long way toward explaining things.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week's events will give you cause to reconsider the wisdom of the phrase "Never give up."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Stop telling everyone you are popular with the ladies. Only your magnificent body is popular with the ladies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There is nothing morally wrong with anal sex, but your failure to exercise sufficient precautions has gotten you ass-pregnant.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will abandon your attempt to make the world's largest pancake after finding out how depressingly serious other people are about it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There's nothing wrong with waiting tables while waiting for your big break, unless you're that girl Annette at the corner diner.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You are the very picture of goodwill, honesty, and social grace. Note that use of the word "picture" also implies a certain two-dimensionality.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have many thoughtful questions about fate, destiny, and the future. It's a shame so many concern the Red Sox.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Sometimes, there are things a friend is too nice to tell you. Luckily, you don't have any friends like that.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close