Aries | March 21 to April 19
Things suddenly get awkward when your coworkers notice your resemblance to the Easter Island statues and put two and two together.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll be damned if you know what those guys on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they're definitely having a much better time than you are.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It's time to acknowledge that your "trusty right-hand man" is really just a little face you drew on your thumb and forefinger.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
When the credits roll at the end of your life, the words "Directed By Henry Jaglom" will go a long way toward explaining things.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
This week's events will give you cause to reconsider the wisdom of the phrase "Never give up."
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Stop telling everyone you are popular with the ladies. Only your magnificent body is popular with the ladies.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
There is nothing morally wrong with anal sex, but your failure to exercise sufficient precautions has gotten you ass-pregnant.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will abandon your attempt to make the world's largest pancake after finding out how depressingly serious other people are about it.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
There's nothing wrong with waiting tables while waiting for your big break, unless you're that girl Annette at the corner diner.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You are the very picture of goodwill, honesty, and social grace. Note that use of the word "picture" also implies a certain two-dimensionality.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You have many thoughtful questions about fate, destiny, and the future. It's a shame so many concern the Red Sox.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Sometimes, there are things a friend is too nice to tell you. Luckily, you don't have any friends like that.
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