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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of August 13, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Things suddenly get awkward when your coworkers notice your resemblance to the Easter Island statues and put two and two together.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be damned if you know what those guys on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they're definitely having a much better time than you are.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's time to acknowledge that your "trusty right-hand man" is really just a little face you drew on your thumb and forefinger.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    When the credits roll at the end of your life, the words "Directed By Henry Jaglom" will go a long way toward explaining things.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week's events will give you cause to reconsider the wisdom of the phrase "Never give up."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Stop telling everyone you are popular with the ladies. Only your magnificent body is popular with the ladies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There is nothing morally wrong with anal sex, but your failure to exercise sufficient precautions has gotten you ass-pregnant.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will abandon your attempt to make the world's largest pancake after finding out how depressingly serious other people are about it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There's nothing wrong with waiting tables while waiting for your big break, unless you're that girl Annette at the corner diner.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You are the very picture of goodwill, honesty, and social grace. Note that use of the word "picture" also implies a certain two-dimensionality.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have many thoughtful questions about fate, destiny, and the future. It's a shame so many concern the Red Sox.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Sometimes, there are things a friend is too nice to tell you. Luckily, you don't have any friends like that.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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