Horoscope for the week of August 15, 2001

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of August 15, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    If you put too much gasoline on the bandanna over your face, you'll get sick. Not enough and you'll be able to smell the corpses. Strike a balance.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Next time you find yourself in a hostage situation, take a hostage people care about.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be unable to cope with next Friday, mainly because our society does so little to prepare one for encounters with scary dragonflies.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your much-publicized solo circumnavigation of the Earth hits a snag when you learn that "circumnavigation" means "to go all the way around."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Today's youth sickens you. You didn't fight a secret war against the nuclear mole people at Earth's core so they could wear baggy pants and swear.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It will occur to you that no one in the phone book has a realistic-sounding name. Change them all, if possible.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Children are a way to achieve a kind of immortality, as recipients of their healthy young organs can extend life beyond its natural span.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate, without actually saying it in as many words, that they really wish you'd be leaving pretty soon.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your attempt to reach civilization by fashioning a crude raft will astound everyone else at the office.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The only peace for you will be the cold, dark peace of the grave. Fortunately, there are ways to enjoy this peace before actually dying.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though it's true you have a face that could stop a clock, you will soon meet someone who can throw a clock much harder than you're used to.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You have not learned from the history of insignificant little people who work at insurance companies and are, therefore, doomed to repeat it.