Aries | March 21 to April 19
If you put too much gasoline on the bandanna over your face, you'll get sick. Not enough and you'll be able to smell the corpses. Strike a balance.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Next time you find yourself in a hostage situation, take a hostage people care about.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be unable to cope with next Friday, mainly because our society does so little to prepare one for encounters with scary dragonflies.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your much-publicized solo circumnavigation of the Earth hits a snag when you learn that "circumnavigation" means "to go all the way around."
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Today's youth sickens you. You didn't fight a secret war against the nuclear mole people at Earth's core so they could wear baggy pants and swear.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It will occur to you that no one in the phone book has a realistic-sounding name. Change them all, if possible.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Children are a way to achieve a kind of immortality, as recipients of their healthy young organs can extend life beyond its natural span.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars indicate, without actually saying it in as many words, that they really wish you'd be leaving pretty soon.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your attempt to reach civilization by fashioning a crude raft will astound everyone else at the office.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The only peace for you will be the cold, dark peace of the grave. Fortunately, there are ways to enjoy this peace before actually dying.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Though it's true you have a face that could stop a clock, you will soon meet someone who can throw a clock much harder than you're used to.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You have not learned from the history of insignificant little people who work at insurance companies and are, therefore, doomed to repeat it.
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