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Horoscope for the week of August 15, 2001

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of August 15, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    If you put too much gasoline on the bandanna over your face, you'll get sick. Not enough and you'll be able to smell the corpses. Strike a balance.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Next time you find yourself in a hostage situation, take a hostage people care about.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be unable to cope with next Friday, mainly because our society does so little to prepare one for encounters with scary dragonflies.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your much-publicized solo circumnavigation of the Earth hits a snag when you learn that "circumnavigation" means "to go all the way around."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Today's youth sickens you. You didn't fight a secret war against the nuclear mole people at Earth's core so they could wear baggy pants and swear.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It will occur to you that no one in the phone book has a realistic-sounding name. Change them all, if possible.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Children are a way to achieve a kind of immortality, as recipients of their healthy young organs can extend life beyond its natural span.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate, without actually saying it in as many words, that they really wish you'd be leaving pretty soon.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your attempt to reach civilization by fashioning a crude raft will astound everyone else at the office.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The only peace for you will be the cold, dark peace of the grave. Fortunately, there are ways to enjoy this peace before actually dying.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though it's true you have a face that could stop a clock, you will soon meet someone who can throw a clock much harder than you're used to.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You have not learned from the history of insignificant little people who work at insurance companies and are, therefore, doomed to repeat it.

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