Horoscope for the week of August 15, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 28

ESL Textbook Concentrates On Food-Preparation Vocabulary

NEW YORK–An English as a Second Language textbook focuses predominantly on food-preparation vocabulary, night-school student Eduardo Reyes reported Monday. "I must admit, I would like to learn how to say more than, 'I have diced the onions,' and, 'Did he want scrambled or over-easy?'" said a disconsolate Reyes, speaking through a translator, following his first lesson. "I had hoped to learn words for the different parts of the body so I can pursue my dream of becoming a doctor. I have instead learned much about the grilling of chickens."

Candidate Turns To Focus Group For Position On Rape

RICHMOND, VA– Wanting to "feel out the popular attitude before committing to a position," Virginia House of Delegates candidate Mark Earley turned to focus-group analysis Monday to determine Virginians' stance on the hot-button issue of rape. "So far, results indicate that the state's residents skew heavily toward anti-rape," Earley said. "A good 99.9 percent of Virginians say they feel strongly that the state would be a better place if rape were reduced." Earley has not yet declared whether he will adopt a hardline anti-rape stance or take a more moderate position to avoid alienating the state's estimated 35 pro-rape voters.

Cuba To Buy Car

HAVANA–In a bid to bring its citizens greater independence, the nation of Cuba decided Tuesday to pool its resources and purchase a car. "We know of an '82 Buick Skylark in Haiti that we should be able to fix up and make usable," Cuban transportation minister Alvaro Perez Morales said. "Having a car will make it easier for our citizens to do everything from grocery shopping to commuting to work." Use of the car will be determined by lottery, with a winner chosen daily from the nation's pool of 11 million citizens.

I've Never Been So Accurately Insulted In All My Life

Well, you crossed the line, that's for sure. I've been insulted before, but until today, I'd never been attacked with such appalling accuracy. I cannot believe you had the gall to unleash that torrent of utterly valid criticisms. Vicious, founded attacks like yours cut deeper than any knife.

Celebrity Meltdowns

Mariah Carey, Ben Affleck, and Backstreet Boy A.J. McLean are among the celebrities to check into rehab after recent breakdowns. What do you think?

Peeping Tom Tired Of Watching People Watch Television

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO–Jonathan Hargrove, a Colorado Springs-area peeping Tom, expressed exasperation Tuesday, when a fifth consecutive victim did nothing more with her evening than watch hours of television. "I thought peering in on strangers would be more, I don't know, exciting," said the 44-year-old Hargrove, speaking from his hydrangea-bush hiding place. "I guess I somehow expected other people's lives to be more sexy or interesting than mine." Hargrove did note, however, that Big Brother 2 is "really starting to heat up."

Headline News' Makeover

Last week, CNN Headline News unveiled its much-hyped makeover, intended to lure younger viewers. Among the changes:
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Horoscope for the week of August 15, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    If you put too much gasoline on the bandanna over your face, you'll get sick. Not enough and you'll be able to smell the corpses. Strike a balance.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Next time you find yourself in a hostage situation, take a hostage people care about.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will be unable to cope with next Friday, mainly because our society does so little to prepare one for encounters with scary dragonflies.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your much-publicized solo circumnavigation of the Earth hits a snag when you learn that "circumnavigation" means "to go all the way around."
  • Leo

    Leo

    Today's youth sickens you. You didn't fight a secret war against the nuclear mole people at Earth's core so they could wear baggy pants and swear.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It will occur to you that no one in the phone book has a realistic-sounding name. Change them all, if possible.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Children are a way to achieve a kind of immortality, as recipients of their healthy young organs can extend life beyond its natural span.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars indicate, without actually saying it in as many words, that they really wish you'd be leaving pretty soon.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your attempt to reach civilization by fashioning a crude raft will astound everyone else at the office.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The only peace for you will be the cold, dark peace of the grave. Fortunately, there are ways to enjoy this peace before actually dying.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Though it's true you have a face that could stop a clock, you will soon meet someone who can throw a clock much harder than you're used to.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You have not learned from the history of insignificant little people who work at insurance companies and are, therefore, doomed to repeat it.
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