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Horoscope for the week of August 15, 2001

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 15, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    If you put too much gasoline on the bandanna over your face, you'll get sick. Not enough and you'll be able to smell the corpses. Strike a balance.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Next time you find yourself in a hostage situation, take a hostage people care about.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be unable to cope with next Friday, mainly because our society does so little to prepare one for encounters with scary dragonflies.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your much-publicized solo circumnavigation of the Earth hits a snag when you learn that "circumnavigation" means "to go all the way around."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Today's youth sickens you. You didn't fight a secret war against the nuclear mole people at Earth's core so they could wear baggy pants and swear.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It will occur to you that no one in the phone book has a realistic-sounding name. Change them all, if possible.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Children are a way to achieve a kind of immortality, as recipients of their healthy young organs can extend life beyond its natural span.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate, without actually saying it in as many words, that they really wish you'd be leaving pretty soon.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your attempt to reach civilization by fashioning a crude raft will astound everyone else at the office.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The only peace for you will be the cold, dark peace of the grave. Fortunately, there are ways to enjoy this peace before actually dying.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though it's true you have a face that could stop a clock, you will soon meet someone who can throw a clock much harder than you're used to.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You have not learned from the history of insignificant little people who work at insurance companies and are, therefore, doomed to repeat it.

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