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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Horoscope for the week of August 15, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    If you put too much gasoline on the bandanna over your face, you'll get sick. Not enough and you'll be able to smell the corpses. Strike a balance.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Next time you find yourself in a hostage situation, take a hostage people care about.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be unable to cope with next Friday, mainly because our society does so little to prepare one for encounters with scary dragonflies.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your much-publicized solo circumnavigation of the Earth hits a snag when you learn that "circumnavigation" means "to go all the way around."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Today's youth sickens you. You didn't fight a secret war against the nuclear mole people at Earth's core so they could wear baggy pants and swear.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It will occur to you that no one in the phone book has a realistic-sounding name. Change them all, if possible.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Children are a way to achieve a kind of immortality, as recipients of their healthy young organs can extend life beyond its natural span.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate, without actually saying it in as many words, that they really wish you'd be leaving pretty soon.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your attempt to reach civilization by fashioning a crude raft will astound everyone else at the office.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The only peace for you will be the cold, dark peace of the grave. Fortunately, there are ways to enjoy this peace before actually dying.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though it's true you have a face that could stop a clock, you will soon meet someone who can throw a clock much harder than you're used to.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You have not learned from the history of insignificant little people who work at insurance companies and are, therefore, doomed to repeat it.

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