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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Horoscope for the week of August 17, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon have a romantic encounter with a dark stranger... By dark, the zodiac means "enigmatic and mysterious"—not that the stranger is black.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There are times when you wonder how a promising backyard-wrestling star wound up driving an Army transport truck in Iraq, but you usually remember pretty quickly.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You have no idea why all the surviving members of Art Blakey's Jazz Messengers decided to burn your house down with you in it, but as a jazz aficionado, you're glad they brought their instruments along to pass the time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars can't believe you fell for it when they said you wouldn't be caught if you drove your Explorer through the crowd at Sun Creek Pancake Days. Enjoy prison.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll soon take your leave of this world, which has become your own personal hell, and enter a hell shared by billions of miserable bastards.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The bear's probably going to be pretty hung over when it wakes up, so it would be best to go somewhere else to wonder how your bank robbery went wrong.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You still don't think your bail should get bigger every time you get arrested.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Although the incumbent will stand firm on his platform of fair taxes, better schools, and safer streets, you'll win in a landslide from your platform of human skulls.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The days are long past when you could get a healthy baby for less than a hundred grand, but you'd be surprised how many sick ones that kind of money will land you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You knew that house cats liked to play cruelly with their prey before eating it, but you had no idea that they grew to the size of the one outside your door right now.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've been a chronic underachiever most of your career, which is pretty good news considering that you're a professional rapist.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Science has no explanation for the antlers that appeared on your forehead yesterday morning. The Elizabethans, however, had a word for it. It sounds like "uckoldry."

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