Horoscope for the week of August 17, 2005

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

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Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of August 17, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon have a romantic encounter with a dark stranger... By dark, the zodiac means "enigmatic and mysterious"—not that the stranger is black.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There are times when you wonder how a promising backyard-wrestling star wound up driving an Army transport truck in Iraq, but you usually remember pretty quickly.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You have no idea why all the surviving members of Art Blakey's Jazz Messengers decided to burn your house down with you in it, but as a jazz aficionado, you're glad they brought their instruments along to pass the time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars can't believe you fell for it when they said you wouldn't be caught if you drove your Explorer through the crowd at Sun Creek Pancake Days. Enjoy prison.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll soon take your leave of this world, which has become your own personal hell, and enter a hell shared by billions of miserable bastards.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The bear's probably going to be pretty hung over when it wakes up, so it would be best to go somewhere else to wonder how your bank robbery went wrong.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You still don't think your bail should get bigger every time you get arrested.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Although the incumbent will stand firm on his platform of fair taxes, better schools, and safer streets, you'll win in a landslide from your platform of human skulls.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The days are long past when you could get a healthy baby for less than a hundred grand, but you'd be surprised how many sick ones that kind of money will land you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You knew that house cats liked to play cruelly with their prey before eating it, but you had no idea that they grew to the size of the one outside your door right now.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've been a chronic underachiever most of your career, which is pretty good news considering that you're a professional rapist.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Science has no explanation for the antlers that appeared on your forehead yesterday morning. The Elizabethans, however, had a word for it. It sounds like "uckoldry."


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