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Horoscope for the week of August 17, 2005

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of August 17, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon have a romantic encounter with a dark stranger... By dark, the zodiac means "enigmatic and mysterious"—not that the stranger is black.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There are times when you wonder how a promising backyard-wrestling star wound up driving an Army transport truck in Iraq, but you usually remember pretty quickly.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You have no idea why all the surviving members of Art Blakey's Jazz Messengers decided to burn your house down with you in it, but as a jazz aficionado, you're glad they brought their instruments along to pass the time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars can't believe you fell for it when they said you wouldn't be caught if you drove your Explorer through the crowd at Sun Creek Pancake Days. Enjoy prison.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll soon take your leave of this world, which has become your own personal hell, and enter a hell shared by billions of miserable bastards.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The bear's probably going to be pretty hung over when it wakes up, so it would be best to go somewhere else to wonder how your bank robbery went wrong.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You still don't think your bail should get bigger every time you get arrested.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Although the incumbent will stand firm on his platform of fair taxes, better schools, and safer streets, you'll win in a landslide from your platform of human skulls.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The days are long past when you could get a healthy baby for less than a hundred grand, but you'd be surprised how many sick ones that kind of money will land you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You knew that house cats liked to play cruelly with their prey before eating it, but you had no idea that they grew to the size of the one outside your door right now.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've been a chronic underachiever most of your career, which is pretty good news considering that you're a professional rapist.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Science has no explanation for the antlers that appeared on your forehead yesterday morning. The Elizabethans, however, had a word for it. It sounds like "uckoldry."

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