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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of August 18, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars realize you are a self-made man and no one can tell you what to do, but if you don’t stop drinking bleach, things will take a nasty turn.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Trouble looms in your life when others try to take charge of your situation. If they persist, start shooting hostages.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The dark, romantic stranger in your life turns out to be Barry White, causing discomfort for everyone involved.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    God has come to you in the form of a little lost lamb and welcomed you with His warm, loving embrace. At least, that's what you should tell the animal-control officer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Leo warns you that if you don’t stop telling him you loved him in Titanic, you'll be looking for a new zodiac sign.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fame and fortune are yours this week in an alternate dimension where enormous geekazoids are rich and famous.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will spend six hours in a small room with someone who wants to share his vast knowledge of presidential trivia.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio regrets to announce that it has given up the zodiac to become a designer fragrance. If you liked CK1, you’ll love ScorpioTM!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will become renowned throughout the land for your wisdom. (Note: The stars reserve the right to determine what constitutes "the land.")
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Avoid naked men wielding bloody axes this week, which, believe us, isn't going to be as easy as it sounds.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There is turmoil in your earth sign this week when you declare war against tough stains and ground-in dirt.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Certain minor conflicts in your life will be resolved, but not without the services of Andrew, the office technical whiz.

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