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Horoscope for the week of August 18, 1999

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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Horoscope for the week of August 18, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars realize you are a self-made man and no one can tell you what to do, but if you don’t stop drinking bleach, things will take a nasty turn.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Trouble looms in your life when others try to take charge of your situation. If they persist, start shooting hostages.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The dark, romantic stranger in your life turns out to be Barry White, causing discomfort for everyone involved.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    God has come to you in the form of a little lost lamb and welcomed you with His warm, loving embrace. At least, that's what you should tell the animal-control officer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Leo warns you that if you don’t stop telling him you loved him in Titanic, you'll be looking for a new zodiac sign.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fame and fortune are yours this week in an alternate dimension where enormous geekazoids are rich and famous.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will spend six hours in a small room with someone who wants to share his vast knowledge of presidential trivia.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio regrets to announce that it has given up the zodiac to become a designer fragrance. If you liked CK1, you’ll love ScorpioTM!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will become renowned throughout the land for your wisdom. (Note: The stars reserve the right to determine what constitutes "the land.")
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Avoid naked men wielding bloody axes this week, which, believe us, isn't going to be as easy as it sounds.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There is turmoil in your earth sign this week when you declare war against tough stains and ground-in dirt.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Certain minor conflicts in your life will be resolved, but not without the services of Andrew, the office technical whiz.

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