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Horoscope for the week of August 18, 1999

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VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

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Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

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Horoscope for the week of August 18, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars realize you are a self-made man and no one can tell you what to do, but if you don’t stop drinking bleach, things will take a nasty turn.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Trouble looms in your life when others try to take charge of your situation. If they persist, start shooting hostages.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The dark, romantic stranger in your life turns out to be Barry White, causing discomfort for everyone involved.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    God has come to you in the form of a little lost lamb and welcomed you with His warm, loving embrace. At least, that's what you should tell the animal-control officer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Leo warns you that if you don’t stop telling him you loved him in Titanic, you'll be looking for a new zodiac sign.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fame and fortune are yours this week in an alternate dimension where enormous geekazoids are rich and famous.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will spend six hours in a small room with someone who wants to share his vast knowledge of presidential trivia.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio regrets to announce that it has given up the zodiac to become a designer fragrance. If you liked CK1, you’ll love ScorpioTM!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will become renowned throughout the land for your wisdom. (Note: The stars reserve the right to determine what constitutes "the land.")
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Avoid naked men wielding bloody axes this week, which, believe us, isn't going to be as easy as it sounds.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There is turmoil in your earth sign this week when you declare war against tough stains and ground-in dirt.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Certain minor conflicts in your life will be resolved, but not without the services of Andrew, the office technical whiz.

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